Frustration is winning for now...
Ok, so it's been an entire month since I've written. Honestly, there really hasn't been a whole lot to write about but that isn't why I haven't written. I simply haven't written b/c again, I've been so frustrated with the current state of my life & with my inability to shape my life to my liking, that I've come close to giving up at times. Many times I've thought about writing about these feelings, but felt that rehashing my frustrations in this journal would only bring me closer to giving up.
Part of my problem now, in addition to my frustration, is that my loneliness has caused me to see-saw back to conforming in hopes of meeting a girl who I WANT to be with, instead of settling for what comes along.
For so long, I was fine without someone & found it easy to focus on working toward being who I want to be, but recently all my frustrations (i.e. no money, not having what I need to be who I want, not having someone to feel something for, etc.) have compunded one another & have me in a state much like the body reverts to when it's starving - seeking out only what it needs for it's immediate survival and abandoning all of it's secondary needs.
Don't get me wrong, being who I want to be is still important to me and still what I feel I need to find happiness, but right now I'm in survival mode & therefore trying to channel my energy into getting through school. Until I get through school and find employment that will actually allow me to get ahead, I don't see how anything else I want is possible.
Part of my problem now, in addition to my frustration, is that my loneliness has caused me to see-saw back to conforming in hopes of meeting a girl who I WANT to be with, instead of settling for what comes along.
For so long, I was fine without someone & found it easy to focus on working toward being who I want to be, but recently all my frustrations (i.e. no money, not having what I need to be who I want, not having someone to feel something for, etc.) have compunded one another & have me in a state much like the body reverts to when it's starving - seeking out only what it needs for it's immediate survival and abandoning all of it's secondary needs.
Don't get me wrong, being who I want to be is still important to me and still what I feel I need to find happiness, but right now I'm in survival mode & therefore trying to channel my energy into getting through school. Until I get through school and find employment that will actually allow me to get ahead, I don't see how anything else I want is possible.