(no subject)
so donnie and i had a chat last night and he admitted to me that the problems in the relationship are completely HIS fault and not due to anything ive done wrong....thats relieving and frustrating at the same time because im the "do-er" in the relationship....like i get shit taken care of and i get everything done and i stay on top of things and all that isnt donnies strong point but now since he admits that i cant do anything different to make things better i feel kinda stuck like if it gets even worse im helpless?
he said that he DOES want to marry me just not right now....but definitely in the future that makes me feel better too because donnie has a hard time expressing clearly how hes feeling and last time we talked about it i left the conversation feeling unsure of whether he was having doubts and not wanting to get married IN GENERAL or if it was that he was having doubts about me and not wanting to marry ME....so i think he just isnt ready to get married right now like he def. wants to stay together and can see himself marrying me but he isnt ready now and im not either and thats ok but i feel like i am more sure that i will be ready in a few years where he has no IDEA when he is going to be ready
i think im going to have to take a step back because i feel like maybe i push talking about marriage on him too much...but its hard for me not to because like when you meet the person that you want to marry like i have NO DOUBT in my mind that i want to be w/ donnie for the rest of my life and marry him and be his wife and have his kids and everything i have no DOUBTS its hard to not want it to happen sooner rather than later....like i feel like after college for me is when i will really be ready to get married financially, emotionally, and just once i graduate college i feel like tht will be a good time before i start grad school and law school b/c once i start those i wont want to have to plan a wedding and do all that stuff and it will just be another 4 years till we get married and by that point i will be 25 and we will have been together since i was 17....thats a long fucking time to date someone w/o getting married....it seems stupid like i never understood those couples that dated for like 15 years then decided to get married...its like didnt you realize at some point in those 15 years that you wanted to marry that person? esp if its not some weird situation like the couple doesnt believe in the instution of marriage rather they just waited...15 years....thats stupid....
whereas donnie i think like...i dunno he isnt ready to give up being unmarried like i know its going to change alot but i honestly dont feel like it will change a ton...its different when you get married young...because your still YOUNG so its not that weird to go out and do stuff that young people do as a couple....i mean if ur getting into your 30's and are deciding to get married then maybe it will change because at that stage in your life i feel like you should be phasing out bar-hopping and partying anyways...like i want to still hang out w/ all our friends and go to bars and have fun the only difference is that we will not be constantly talking about the future and what we want and we will be living together which we basically do alredy because we spend almost all our time together and he will have breaks from me because i will still be just as busy when we live together as i am now and therefore he wont be around me all the time cuz i have work and school and homework and class and all that...crap....lol
i dunno...these are just things ive been thinking about i think i just want the security of being married but not security in the sense of dependency but security of just i dunno its hard to explain...i just want to know whats going to happen...i hate the thought of my future and the vastness of my life...
he said that he DOES want to marry me just not right now....but definitely in the future that makes me feel better too because donnie has a hard time expressing clearly how hes feeling and last time we talked about it i left the conversation feeling unsure of whether he was having doubts and not wanting to get married IN GENERAL or if it was that he was having doubts about me and not wanting to marry ME....so i think he just isnt ready to get married right now like he def. wants to stay together and can see himself marrying me but he isnt ready now and im not either and thats ok but i feel like i am more sure that i will be ready in a few years where he has no IDEA when he is going to be ready
i think im going to have to take a step back because i feel like maybe i push talking about marriage on him too much...but its hard for me not to because like when you meet the person that you want to marry like i have NO DOUBT in my mind that i want to be w/ donnie for the rest of my life and marry him and be his wife and have his kids and everything i have no DOUBTS its hard to not want it to happen sooner rather than later....like i feel like after college for me is when i will really be ready to get married financially, emotionally, and just once i graduate college i feel like tht will be a good time before i start grad school and law school b/c once i start those i wont want to have to plan a wedding and do all that stuff and it will just be another 4 years till we get married and by that point i will be 25 and we will have been together since i was 17....thats a long fucking time to date someone w/o getting married....it seems stupid like i never understood those couples that dated for like 15 years then decided to get married...its like didnt you realize at some point in those 15 years that you wanted to marry that person? esp if its not some weird situation like the couple doesnt believe in the instution of marriage rather they just waited...15 years....thats stupid....
whereas donnie i think like...i dunno he isnt ready to give up being unmarried like i know its going to change alot but i honestly dont feel like it will change a ton...its different when you get married young...because your still YOUNG so its not that weird to go out and do stuff that young people do as a couple....i mean if ur getting into your 30's and are deciding to get married then maybe it will change because at that stage in your life i feel like you should be phasing out bar-hopping and partying anyways...like i want to still hang out w/ all our friends and go to bars and have fun the only difference is that we will not be constantly talking about the future and what we want and we will be living together which we basically do alredy because we spend almost all our time together and he will have breaks from me because i will still be just as busy when we live together as i am now and therefore he wont be around me all the time cuz i have work and school and homework and class and all that...crap....lol
i dunno...these are just things ive been thinking about i think i just want the security of being married but not security in the sense of dependency but security of just i dunno its hard to explain...i just want to know whats going to happen...i hate the thought of my future and the vastness of my life...