Merlin -- Arthur the Explorer
Title: Arthur the Explorer
Fandom: Merlin X Dora the Explorer
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: PG-13 (lol)
Word Count: 4,511 (oh, God)
Warnings: foul language; anachronisms galore; a Fourth Wall made of Swiss cheese; edited songs; references to tons of other shows/books/movies; a character from 2.10 in a non-spoilery capacity; enough crack to put most dealers out of business
Summary: Can you help Arthur and Merlin get to the big waterfall? …Great!
Author's Note: I took a break from quasi-srs!fic to write a crack-crossover which hopefully you will join me in being unable to unsee. I swear it’s not my fault... And to my very dear eltea -- THANKS FOR HELPING! :D Especially since you don’t even know Dora. XD
If anyone needs a quick primer, though, all you really need to know is that Dora brings the Map and her Backpack on her three-stage exploration adventures. She is always accompanied by her best friend, Boots, a monkey who wears (you guessed it) red boots, and they often get help from other friends. Swiper the Fox is her kleptomaniacal archnemesis, and there is much ‘interaction’ and ‘educational fun’ to be had.
Obviously, it’s exactly like Merlin, except that it teaches you Spanish instead of Ye Olde Religion Language, and no one ever dies.
…or do they?
ARTHUR THE EXPLORER
episode one
A-A-A-Arthur, A-A-A-Arthur
A-A-A-Arthur, A-A-A-Arthur
Arthur, Arthur, Arthur goes exploring!
With Merlin; otherwise it would be boring
Grab your Rucksack! Let’s go!
Jump in-vamanos!
You can lead the wa-ay-
Hey, hey!
A-A-Arthur, A-A-Arthur
A-A-Arthur, A-A-Arthur
Trickler, no tricking! Trickler, no tricking!
“And I would have gotten away with it, too
If it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
Arthur the Explorer!
[ARTHUR is standing on a super-saturated background of slightly-crudely-drawn jungle trees and the like. His head looks slightly more American-football-shaped than usual.]
ARTHUR: (extremely unenthusiastically) Hi, I’m Arthur Pendragon! I love exploring. Do you want to explore with me today? (long, slightly awkward pause) You do? Great! Today I got a letter from my daddy, see? (he holds up a letter) Will you help me read it? (he opens the letter and holds it out towards the camera)
LETTER: (slowly and painfully sounded out by a voiceover) Dear Arthur, You’re a really good explorer! Today, I need you to go to the druid camp on the other side of Albion, by the big waterfall. It will be a long and treacherous journey, but I know you’ll do a great job. Love, Dad. P.S. When you get there, please slaughter all the druids to exterminate their disgusting magic and keep Camelot safe. Thanks!
ARTHUR: (folding the letter) Wow. Do you know what the word “slaughter” means? It means to kill somebody mercilessly. My dad sure hates sorcerers. Can you help me find the druids’ camp? (long, slightly awkward pause) Great!
[MERLIN arrives, wearing red boots that match his neckerchief.]
MERLIN: Hi, Arthur!
ARTHUR: Hi, Merlin!
MERLIN: Are we going to go on an adventure today, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yes, we-oh, God damn it, Merlin, do I really have to do this?!
MERLIN: I’m not exactly excited about it either-
ARTHUR: You look excited.
MERLIN: -but since the economic downturn in Camelot, we’ve all had to make sacrifices.
ARTHUR: I’m going to sue my agent out of everything he owns.
MERLIN: Hey, at least it wasn’t Boo-bah.
ARTHUR: Nightmares.
MERLIN: Me, too.
ARTHUR: Nightmares.
MERLIN: I know; sometimes you scream in the middle of the night. Anyway, be a good sport. Where are we exploring today, Arthur?
ARTHUR: We’re going to the big waterfall on the other side of Camelot. (winks broadly at the audience) There’s nothing special about it, except that it’s the biggest waterfall in Albion!
MERLIN: Oh, wow!
ARTHUR: Seriously. But how do we get to the big waterfall?
MERLIN: Who do we ask when we don’t know where to go?
(There is a long, slightly awkward pause.)
MAP: (muffled) Christ, you lot are slow.
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: The Map!
[The MAP swooshes out of Arthur’s Rucksack and plasters itself over the screen. The smaller, Microsoft-Word-paperclip-esque representation in the bottom-left corner raises an eyebrow.]
MAP: Where do Arthur and Merlin need to go to get to the big waterfall?
[The MAP displays that the path to the Waterfall starts in the Jungle, then leads through the Insalubrious Swamp, thence over the Rickety Bridge and up the Leg-Cramp-Aggravating Hill.]
MAP: Say it with me-Swamp, Bridge, Aggravating Hill! Swamp, Bridge, Aggravating Hill! Now tell those two imbeciles so we can get the hell out of here.
[The MAP refurls itself and slides back into Arthur’s Rucksack.]
ARTHUR: Where did the Map say we have to go?
MERLIN: A better question-why does the Map sound like Gaius?
ARTHUR: To scar me for eternity. Which is working, by the way.
[There is a long, slightly awkward pause as they stare at the screen, waiting for instruction.]
ARTHUR: The Insalubrious Swamp, the Rickety Bridge, and the Leg-Cramp-Aggravating Hill?
MERLIN: This sounds like an extremely transparent method of dividing the episode into manageable sections.
ARTHUR: Come on, Merlin. Stop monkeying around.
MERLIN: I hope you get the worst leg cramps of your life.
[They start skipping and sing.]
TOGETHER: Come on, vamanos!
Everybody, let’s go!
Come on, let’s get to it-
I know that we can do it!
ARTHUR: Where are we going?
[Clap, clap, clap.]
MERLIN: The waterfall! Where are we going?
[Clap, clap, clap.]
ARTHUR: The waterfall!
MERLIN: Where are we-
ARTHUR: Stop that before we get in an infinite feedback loop.
MERLIN: Aww. It’s kind of fun.
ARTHUR: That’s how it always starts.
[They approach the Insalubrious Swamp, which is a broad expanse of marsh-brown, sluggish, and bubbling; it looks very insalubrious indeed.]
MERLIN: We should’ve gone with Teletubbies.
ARTHUR: Are you kidding? That living vacuum-thing scares the crap out of me.
MERLIN: Oh, well. Arthur, the swamp is big and icky! How do we get across?
ARTHUR: I vote we swim.
MERLIN: I will die first.
ARTHUR: (rolls his eyes) Fine. Since Merlin is such a huge and total wuss, how do you think we should get across?
[The camera pans back to reveal long trails of stepping stones that lead over the marshland. There is a long silence.]
ARTHUR: The stepping stones? Where?
[Crickets chirp.]
ARTHUR: Oh, those extremely obvious stepping stones! I thought you meant the other ones. Thanks for helping!
MERLIN: I still don’t like the look of this.
ARTHUR: Huge and total wuss, like I said. (turns to camera) Can you say ‘Merlin is a huge and total wuss’?
MERLIN: Don’t abuse the system.
ARTHUR: We need to jump across the stepping stones. Can you help us practice jumping? Get up, and… jump, jump, jump! Salta!
[Merlin and Arthur jump up and down half a dozen times.]
ARTHUR: Great jumping, everyone! (he steps onto the first stone, then looks both ways, finding two potential routes of stepping stones) Uh oh! I don’t know which direction to go. Can you help us get across? One path will be yellow-
[The leftward path of stones, which stops in the middle of the marsh, obediently lights up yellow.]
ARTHUR: -and the other will be red.
[The rightward fork, which leads all the way across, becomes reddish.]
ARTHUR: Those are the colors of Camelot, and it has nothing to do with that Gryffindor thing, so stop asking. Which path should I take?
[A long, slightly awkward silence.]
ARTHUR: The red path? Okay! Come on, Merlin, before the rocks sink and we die! Jump with us-jump, jump, jump!
[They start hopping across the stones.]
MERLIN: This is like Saturday Night Fever, if John Travolta worked in sewage.
[Arthur and Merlin disco all the way to the other side, where they step back onto solid ground.]
ARTHUR: Great jumping, everyone! Where do we go next?
[Four thumbnails appear on the bottom of the screen, each representing a stage of the journey. The Rickety Bridge one lights up.]
ARTHUR: Okay! Come on, Mer-holy shit!
MERLIN: What?! What is it?!
ARTHUR: (stares) Is that-you have a tail!
MERLIN: (turns to look behind him and discovers that he has, at some point, acquired a prehensile tail) …there are no words for this.
ARTHUR: Holy shit!
MERLIN: Okay, that’s a good start.
ARTHUR: Merlin, what if you’re turning into the monkey?
MERLIN: That would be pretty ridiculous, even for either of these shows.
ARTHUR: You have a tail!
MERLIN: Fair point.
ARTHUR: Dear God, we have to get out of here. Come on, hurry!
[They race down the path to the next obstacle, which is the Rickety Bridge. The Bridge spans a yawning chasm into the Earth, both sides lined with crumbling shale, and is itself one of those classic rope-and-timber bridges that always fall apart at the worst possible moment.]
ARTHUR: I hate my life.
MERLIN: You’re not the one with a tail.
ARTHUR: (looks at him) Huh.
MERLIN: What?
ARTHUR: (looks at the bridge) Nothing. (in a very small voice) It’skindofcute.
MERLIN: (blushes) Really? (his tail curls happily)
ARTHUR: (clears his throat) Anyway, let’s get across this stupid bridge. It doesn’t look likely to hold our weight, so we’ll have to tiptoe. (turns to the camera, wearily) Can you tiptoe? Get up, and… tiptoe, tiptoe!
[Arthur and Merlin demonstrate tiptoeing for a moment, then carefully begin sidling across the Bridge, which creaks ominously.]
MERLIN: They wouldn’t kill us on a children’s show, right?
ARTHUR: Have you seen ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’?
MERLIN: No, why?
ARTHUR: Carnage.
[Merlin whimpers. They continue to move carefully across the Bridge, planks cracking and falling all around them, requiring them to jump over the holes. The thick ropes that pass for railings on either side are quickly fraying.]
MERLIN: They can’t mess with our canon on somebody else’s show!
ARTHUR: (grimly) Tell that to “Torchwood.”
MERLIN: Shit!
[Even as he clings to the rope, the moorings at the side they came from snap, and the whole bridge plummets to slam against the cliff face on the far side.]
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: Aaaaaaah!
[The Bridge rebounds from the cliffside a few times, swinging, and then slows to a stop. Merlin has caught onto Arthur’s wrists, his prehensile tail tightly clasped around one of the planks, his red-booted feet tangled in the ropes. He has squeezed his eyes shut.]
ARTHUR: (panting, looks down, regrets it, sets his jaw, and then looks up) Merlin.
MERLIN: (eyes still screwed shut) We’re dead, aren’t we?
ARTHUR: (grins) I’m going to be really, really disappointed if this is heaven.
MERLIN: (cracks an eye open) You’re still here; must be hell.
ARTHUR: Har, har. Merlin, listen. I’m going to grab onto the bridge itself, and then you can see if there’s anything useful in my rucksack.
MERLIN: My tail hurts!
ARTHUR: Every time I think I’ve heard everything… Merlin. Focus. We’re going to be all right. (he digs the toes of his boots in between two steady boards, testing his weight a little) Okay. Carefully let go of one of my hands.
MERLIN: I don’t want to drop you!
ARTHUR: That’s new. Come on, Merlin; it’s fine. I promise.
[Reluctantly, watching through one eye, Merlin releases his grip on Arthur’s right wrist, still holding tightly to the other. Arthur immediately latches onto another strong board with his newly-free hand.]
ARTHUR: See? We’re fine. You can completely let go of me now.
MERLIN: (whispering) Don’t want to.
ARTHUR: (smiles faintly) Merlin, it’s all right. Let go of me and look in my rucksack.
MERLIN: (takes a deep, shaky breath) Right. Sorry.
[Merlin releases Arthur’s other wrist, and Arthur gets a good hold on the bridge. Merlin shifts, holding onto the boards himself, and tries to position his feet and tail more securely.]
MERLIN: (bravely) Okay. Rucksack.
RUCKSACK: Yay!
MERLIN: You’re right, Arthur; we’re getting out of this show if it kills us.
ARTHUR: When it kills us.
RUCKSACK: (singing) Rucksack, Rucksack
Rucksack, Rucksack
I’m the Rucksack, loaded up with things and knickkn-
ARTHUR: (loudly) We get it.
RUCKSACK: (pouting) Spoilsport. (clears throat) Can you find something to help Arthur and Merlin get up the cliff?
[The Rucksack’s contents fill the screen. The available items are a pair of gloves, a baseball bat, a lollipop, a grappling hook, and a porn magazine.]
ARTHUR: (voice strained) That’s not mine!
MERLIN: (impressed) How come physics only applies when we’re falling?
RUCKSACK: (proudly) I’m bigger on the inside.
ARTHUR: That’s what she said.
RUCKSACK: I hope you guys get off this show; you’re killing the ratings.
ARTHUR: I hope it gets canceled. Forever. Merlin, get the grappling hook.
[The grappling hook item is selected, lights up, and then flies into Merlin’s hand as the Rucksack screen disappears.]
MERLIN: Got it. How does this thing work?
ARTHUR: You throw it. It’s pretty straightforward.
MERLIN: It looks more like “straight up.”
ARTHUR: Maybe I should take the agonizing death option while I’ve got it.
MERLIN: You’d never. Okay, here I go…
[Merlin, still hanging by his feet and tail, winds the end of the grappling hook’s rope around his left hand and starts swinging the hook around in gradually-faster circles with his right.]
ARTHUR: (interested) Nice technique.
MERLIN: (distractedly) I do have some viable skills.
[Merlin releases the grapple, which sails into the air and arcs neatly over the top of the cliff. A distant scraping is audible as it presumably skitters across the ground.]
MERLIN: (muttering) Come on, catch.
[There is a quiet clunk that sounds like metal on stone. Merlin pulls on the rope, then pulls harder, then pulls very hard, and the grapple doesn’t come loose.]
MERLIN: (pauses) I think it’ll hold.
ARTHUR: (frowns) You think, or you know?
MERLIN: (glances at him) I said “think,” Arthur.
ARTHUR: Are you willing to bet your life on it?
[Merlin sighs, drops the loose end of the rope down to Arthur, and begins pulling himself up the cliffside with it, extricating himself from where he’d been tangled in the bridge and instead using the slats like ladder rungs to the best of his ability. After clearly not pausing to take the opportunity to admire Merlin’s arse (tail and all), Arthur reaches one hand out to take the rope, waits until Merlin is over the top, and then starts climbing after. He hefts himself over the top of the cliff face and rolls onto his back on the ground.]
ARTHUR: (panting and looking up at Merlin) Oh, God. Okay. Where are we going next?
[The location thumbnails appear on the bottom of the screen again, but Merlin waves them away.]
MERLIN: The Leg-Cramp-Aggravating Hill. (he offers Arthur a hand up)
ARTHUR: (accepting it and pulling himself to his feet, nearly bowling Merlin over in the process) Right. (stares)
MERLIN: (worriedly) What?
[Arthur points wordlessly to Merlin’s ears-which are now round, pale brown, and fuzzy, and which are situated on top of his head.]
MERLIN: (going a little pale as he touches them, his voice slightly unsteady) Damn. I really thought the ear situation couldn’t get any worse.
ARTHUR: I like your ears. (pauses) Well, your normal ears. (considers the new ones) These will take some getting used to.
MERLIN: (patting them, looking somewhat ill) Am I honestly going to turn into a monkey?
ARTHUR: (staunchly) No, Merlin, because… (struck with inspiration) …the Waterfall has healing powers.
MERLIN: (new ears perking up) It does?
ARTHUR: That’s right. So let’s just get past this Aggravating Hill, and you’ll be fine.
[Arthur claps Merlin on the back encouragingly, and they warily approach the Hill, which is steep, dry, and slightly rocky.]
ARTHUR: I guess we should just try it.
MERLIN: (nervously) You go first.
ARTHUR: (mutters) Huge and total wuss.
[Arthur ventures forward and begins climbing up the hill. Pebbles skitter and bounce down the hillside, but, carefully, he makes some progress. All is going well until he screams suddenly.]
MERLIN: (scrambling towards him) Arthur, what is it?!
ARTHUR: (collapsing in a heap; semi-coherently) Oh, sweet Jesus-
MERLIN: (trips and falls) Ow. Arthur, what-
ARTHUR: (manages to sit up; massages his calves, grimacing) Worst leg cramps of my life.
MERLIN: (sprawled on the hillside, his tail flicking) …oh, dear.
ARTHUR: (groans) Well, Merlin, we had a good run.
MERLIN: Or a good stumble.
[There is a distant rumbling, grinding noise, which, as it comes closer, sounds like an engine.]
ARTHUR: What the hell is that?
MERLIN: (attempting at cheer) Well, this can’t get any worse.
ARTHUR: Don’t say that. Ever.
MERLIN: Well, it can’t.
[The sound grows louder until its source is revealed: MORGANA drives up in a black Jeep.]
ARTHUR: You have got to be shitting me.
MORGANA: (jumping out) Salut!
[Arthur and Merlin exchange glances.]
MORGANA: Qu’est-ce qui se passe?
ARTHUR: Isn’t this show supposed to teach Spanish?
MERLIN: (itches at one of his ears) Yeah, generally. Though if you think about it… Morgana Le Fay; Le Morte D’Arthur…
ARTHUR: …the what?!
MERLIN: (quickly) Uh, nothing. Anyway, let’s celebrate diversity. Morgana, nous ne pouvons pas… uh…
ARTHUR: Nous ne pouvons pas grimper cette Colline d’Aggravation.
MORGANA: Ah! Ici, c’est ma jeep. Je vous conduirai.
MERLIN: Youpi!
[Arthur and Merlin get into Morgana’s Jeep, and, with much hard rock music and engine noises, they ascend. She drops them off where the path takes up again.]
ARTHUR: (looks to the camera scathingly) Say “merci” to thank Morgana, even though everybody knows we didn’t really need her help. Say it with me-merci, Morgana!
(Long, slightly awkward pause.)
MORGANA: De rien!
ARTHUR: …même que nous n’avions pas vraiment besoin de ton aide.
MORGANA: Je te déteste.
[Morgana jumps back into her Jeep and drives away, breaking speed limit laws and possibly the sound barrier as she goes. Arthur scowls after her.]
MERLIN: Arthur-
ARTHUR: I hate that woman.
MERLIN: Arthur-
ARTHUR: She and her sudden-onset Frenchness mock me.
MERLIN: Prat.
ARTHUR: (spins, angrily) What do you want?!
[Merlin points wordlessly to TRICKLER, who is wearing a motley bandana and some gloves.]
ARTHUR: Oh, shit! Come on, everybody-
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: Trickler, no tricking! Trickler, no tricking! Trickler-
TRICKLER: Nice try!
[Trickler darts in and steals Merlin’s boots, sending Merlin tumbling to the ground. Trickler flings the footwear so far it soars into the distance. The boots wink as they disappear near the horizon.]
TRICKLER: Who’s laughing now, bitches?
ARTHUR: No one, actually.
TRICKLER: But-oh. Well, ha! Ha, ha, ha!
[Arthur calmly unsheathes his sword.]
TRICKLER: (gulps) Later, losers!
[Trickler starts to flee, then reconsiders and pauses at the edge of the frame to call back.]
TRICKLER: (wickedly) Enjoying the enchantment, Merlin?
MERLIN: (dazedly) The-?
[Arthur turns to glance at Merlin and stops short, staring, permitting a giggling Trickler to get away.]
MERLIN: (uneasily) Arthur, what-
[Arthur merely points to Merlin’s feet. With the boots gone, it is revealed that he now has a pair of monkey paws.]
MERLIN: (blankly) Fuck my life.
ARTHUR: Mine, too, while you’re at it. Can you even walk on those?
[Merlin attempts to get up, tremulously, only to stumble and faceplant as he tries to put weight on the paws.]
ARTHUR: Apparently not. Here.
[Arthur gathers Merlin up in both arms, to Merlin’s intense and red-faced chagrin.]
ARTHUR: It’s a good thing you’re made of toothpicks.
MERLIN: (meekly) You kidding? I’m pure steel.
ARTHUR: (snorts) Yeah. “Steel.” That was the word I was thinking of.
MERLIN: (curls a little closer instinctively, his tail twitching) How far is this healing waterfall?
[Arthur tops a rise and winces heavily.]
ARTHUR: Just past the druid camp…
MERLIN: The-Arthur!
ARTHUR: I had to, okay? My father’s orders and the plot of the show. What was I supposed to do?
[Merlin looks out over the druids’ camp where it lies at the fringes of the forest, a thriving, disorderly congregation of tents and other makeshift homes. Wash lines dip between tents and trees, tents and poles, tents and other tents; and small fires, decked with cauldrons and cooking gear, dot the open spaces.]
MERLIN: (squaring his jaw; voice tight but unrelenting) Arthur Pendragon, don’t you even think about-
ARTHUR: (shouting) I need a healer!
[The chattering commotion grinds to a halt as people start to take notice of the newcomers, but the silence doesn’t last-murmuring breaks out, low and mistrustful, as they see the sword at Arthur’s side, the finery of his clothes, and all the marks of his rank. They read signs like these effortlessly, which is why they’re still alive.]
ARTHUR: (frustrated) Somebody! Please! He’s turning into a fucking monkey!
MERLIN: (weakly) Maybe not the most persuasive preface.
ARTHUR: If you don’t help me, you’ll be squeaking instead of smart-mouthing in a minute.
[Merlin looks as though Arthur might be right-he’s pale, and he’s started shaking a little, nestling closer to Arthur’s chest. Something, at least, is very wrong. The druids can tell, but Arthur can’t be sure if it’s pity or wariness they register now.]
MERLIN: At least I won’t have to clean up after you.
ARTHUR: If I can train regular Merlin, I can train a monkey. (he looks to the druids, desperately) Come on, please. Anyone, please. I know I’m not-somebody you want to see here, somebody you ever want to see, but this isn’t his fault. Trickler did it, and he’s dying, and he needs your help. I can’t fix this.
MERLIN: (mumbles into Arthur’s chest) You’re kind of gorgeous when you go all noble.
ARTHUR: (smiles weakly) “Kind of”? How about “completely”?
[Merlin laughs softly and then coughs. A WOMAN steps forward from the frontmost cluster of druids-a woman with her dark hair in a braid down her back; a woman with a long, pale face and long, pale hands, which reach towards Merlin. Arthur resists the urge to shy away, and the woman lays her fingers on Merlin’s chest and closes her eyes.]
DRUID WOMAN: I can fix it.
ARTHUR: (faintly with relief) Please.
[The woman’s eyelids rise, and her eyes glow golden, one hand rising to Merlin’s transformed ears. There’s a rush of gold particles, of ether, of vapor made of tiny stars, a glowing mist that wraps its tendrils around Merlin’s face, his waist, his hands, his feet. Merlin arches his back, drawing in a gasping deep breath, and gold dust streams into Arthur’s eyes. By the time he’s blinked it away-and inhaled significantly more of it than he would like to think about-Merlin’s appendages have returned to normal, and there’s color in his cheeks again. The woman steps back, rejoining the other druids, who catch at her sleeves and mutter things Arthur doesn’t care to try to hear.]
MERLIN: (biting his lip on a grin) You can put me down now.
ARTHUR: (smiles slowly) Don’t want to.
MERLIN: (face pinkish) Really, though.
[Arthur sets Merlin on his bare feet, and the boy wriggles his toes in the grass, then glances behind him.]
MERLIN: Kind of miss it.
[Given that Arthur would never admit to his agreement, Merlin merely turns to him, solemn now.]
MERLIN: These people have done us a kindness, Arthur. Return the favor. It doesn’t matter what your father says-what anyone says. They’re just people, people like our people, people like us, people going about living the only way they can.
ARTHUR: I can’t tell if you’re secretly a sorcerer or just a hippie.
MERLIN: Arthur-
ARTHUR: They can’t deny what they are. Who am I to tell them to, if for every Trickler there’s a healer willing to use it as a gift?
MERLIN: (smiling softly) There is, and more. Let them be. (he twitches, then glances towards the crowd)
[MORDRED has emerged at the front of the group, wide-eyed and interested.]
MERLIN: Except for that little shit. He wants all of us dead.
MORDRED: What?!
MERLIN: Get ’im!
[A merry chase ensues. Merlin seems to have it out for Mordred, and Arthur follows, because odds are a barefooted Merlin careening around at the boundary of the forest, straight through a streambed, and then to the edge of the Waterfall will end in tears (or at least very bloody feet). Once Merlin has cornered Mordred at the falls, the yelling begins.]
ARTHUR: I should have stayed home today.
MERLIN: -and if you talk to me in my head again, so help me, I will end you!
MORDRED: You couldn’t end a gnat, Emrys. You’re soft.
MERLIN: I’m not “soft”! I just didn’t cut out my own soul at the age of seven, thanks!
MORDRED: You’re the Pendragons’ lapdog. You’ve betrayed me, and all the druids, and everything we stand for. You’ve betrayed your magic and yourself.
MERLIN: It’s not that simple! Something’s got to get sacrificed; you just can’t make it all fit!
MORDRED: That’s what your mum said last night.
MERLIN: That’s it-!
[Before Arthur can scramble close enough to intervene, Merlin raises his hand, spits a few spiky words of magic, and blasts Mordred off of the waterfall with a huge burst of power. The druid boy plummets like a stone.]
MORDRED: (voice dwindling) Fuck you and the horse you rode in on…!
[Merlin folds his arms tightly across his chest, frowning darkly. Arthur’s knees give out, and he sits down a meter or so from his sorcerous servant.]
ARTHUR: (blankly) I quit. I quit. I am fucking done.
MERLIN: (glances at him, guilt-stricken) Oh. Sorry.
ARTHUR: (vaguely) No, no, I… will… just take my paycheck now and go get a job in retail. In a suburb somewhere. Maybe I’ll try London. Mannequins never hurt anyone.
MERLIN: You can’t quit.
ARTHUR: (getting up, resolute) Watch me, witch-boy.
MERLIN: You can quit in two minutes, but you can’t quit now.
ARTHUR: What’s that sup-
[Music begins.]
MERLIN: (singing) We did it! We did it! We did it, yay!
ARTHUR: Aw, hell, no.
MERLIN: (still stinging) Lo hicimos-we did it!
[Arthur sighs heavily and rakes both hands through his hair.]
MERLIN: We crossed the swamp with stones and didn’t fail
Yeah, we did it!
We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray!
ARTHUR: (reluctantly) We survived the bridge, and Merlin grew a tail
Yeah, we did it…
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it!
ARTHUR: We didn’t need Morgana’s help at all-
MERLIN: And we kicked Mordred’s punk ass off a waterfall!
Yay!
ARTHUR: Whoo!
MERLIN: Hooray!
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: We did it!
[Pause.]
MERLIN: …whoo!
ARTHUR: (turns to the camera, pained) What was your favorite part of the trip today?
[Long, slightly awkward pause.]
ARTHUR: I liked that part, too. My favorite was saying that Merlin was a huge and total wuss. Which is still true, by the way.
MERLIN: My favorite part was almost getting turned into a monkey.
ARTHUR: (startled) Really?
MERLIN: (flatly) No.
ARTHUR: (heaves a deep, deep sigh) Come here.
MERLIN: (cautiously) Why?
ARTHUR: (waves him over) Get on my back.
MERLIN: …what?!
ARTHUR: Get on my back. I’ll carry you. You can’t walk all the way back without shoes, Merlin.
MERLIN: (clambers in an ungainly fashion into the piggyback position, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck and making a valiant effort not to strangle him) How’s this?
ARTHUR: I’ll live. Probably.
MERLIN: (sighs) I love you.
[There is a long and slightly awkward pause as he realizes what he has just said. Then Arthur goes Camelot-or-Gryffindor red and briskly starts off, Merlin clinging.]
ARTHUR: Shut up, idiot.
MERLIN: (beaming blindingly) You shut up, prat.
THE END
Credits:
ARTHUR - Arthur Pendragon
MERLIN - Merlin Emrys
THE MAP (voice) - Gaius
MORGANA - Morgana
TRICKLER - as himself
DRUID WOMAN - ??
MORDRED - whatever, no one likes him anyway
No druids were harmed during the making of this episode
…okay, that’s a lie.
ROT IN HELL, DEVIL-SPAWN!
Fandom: Merlin X Dora the Explorer
Pairing: Arthur/Merlin
Rating: PG-13 (lol)
Word Count: 4,511 (oh, God)
Warnings: foul language; anachronisms galore; a Fourth Wall made of Swiss cheese; edited songs; references to tons of other shows/books/movies; a character from 2.10 in a non-spoilery capacity; enough crack to put most dealers out of business
Summary: Can you help Arthur and Merlin get to the big waterfall? …Great!
Author's Note: I took a break from quasi-srs!fic to write a crack-crossover which hopefully you will join me in being unable to unsee. I swear it’s not my fault... And to my very dear eltea -- THANKS FOR HELPING! :D Especially since you don’t even know Dora. XD
If anyone needs a quick primer, though, all you really need to know is that Dora brings the Map and her Backpack on her three-stage exploration adventures. She is always accompanied by her best friend, Boots, a monkey who wears (you guessed it) red boots, and they often get help from other friends. Swiper the Fox is her kleptomaniacal archnemesis, and there is much ‘interaction’ and ‘educational fun’ to be had.
Obviously, it’s exactly like Merlin, except that it teaches you Spanish instead of Ye Olde Religion Language, and no one ever dies.
…or do they?
ARTHUR THE EXPLORER
episode one
A-A-A-Arthur, A-A-A-Arthur
A-A-A-Arthur, A-A-A-Arthur
Arthur, Arthur, Arthur goes exploring!
With Merlin; otherwise it would be boring
Grab your Rucksack! Let’s go!
Jump in-vamanos!
You can lead the wa-ay-
Hey, hey!
A-A-Arthur, A-A-Arthur
A-A-Arthur, A-A-Arthur
Trickler, no tricking! Trickler, no tricking!
“And I would have gotten away with it, too
If it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
Arthur the Explorer!
[ARTHUR is standing on a super-saturated background of slightly-crudely-drawn jungle trees and the like. His head looks slightly more American-football-shaped than usual.]
ARTHUR: (extremely unenthusiastically) Hi, I’m Arthur Pendragon! I love exploring. Do you want to explore with me today? (long, slightly awkward pause) You do? Great! Today I got a letter from my daddy, see? (he holds up a letter) Will you help me read it? (he opens the letter and holds it out towards the camera)
LETTER: (slowly and painfully sounded out by a voiceover) Dear Arthur, You’re a really good explorer! Today, I need you to go to the druid camp on the other side of Albion, by the big waterfall. It will be a long and treacherous journey, but I know you’ll do a great job. Love, Dad. P.S. When you get there, please slaughter all the druids to exterminate their disgusting magic and keep Camelot safe. Thanks!
ARTHUR: (folding the letter) Wow. Do you know what the word “slaughter” means? It means to kill somebody mercilessly. My dad sure hates sorcerers. Can you help me find the druids’ camp? (long, slightly awkward pause) Great!
[MERLIN arrives, wearing red boots that match his neckerchief.]
MERLIN: Hi, Arthur!
ARTHUR: Hi, Merlin!
MERLIN: Are we going to go on an adventure today, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Yes, we-oh, God damn it, Merlin, do I really have to do this?!
MERLIN: I’m not exactly excited about it either-
ARTHUR: You look excited.
MERLIN: -but since the economic downturn in Camelot, we’ve all had to make sacrifices.
ARTHUR: I’m going to sue my agent out of everything he owns.
MERLIN: Hey, at least it wasn’t Boo-bah.
ARTHUR: Nightmares.
MERLIN: Me, too.
ARTHUR: Nightmares.
MERLIN: I know; sometimes you scream in the middle of the night. Anyway, be a good sport. Where are we exploring today, Arthur?
ARTHUR: We’re going to the big waterfall on the other side of Camelot. (winks broadly at the audience) There’s nothing special about it, except that it’s the biggest waterfall in Albion!
MERLIN: Oh, wow!
ARTHUR: Seriously. But how do we get to the big waterfall?
MERLIN: Who do we ask when we don’t know where to go?
(There is a long, slightly awkward pause.)
MAP: (muffled) Christ, you lot are slow.
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: The Map!
[The MAP swooshes out of Arthur’s Rucksack and plasters itself over the screen. The smaller, Microsoft-Word-paperclip-esque representation in the bottom-left corner raises an eyebrow.]
MAP: Where do Arthur and Merlin need to go to get to the big waterfall?
[The MAP displays that the path to the Waterfall starts in the Jungle, then leads through the Insalubrious Swamp, thence over the Rickety Bridge and up the Leg-Cramp-Aggravating Hill.]
MAP: Say it with me-Swamp, Bridge, Aggravating Hill! Swamp, Bridge, Aggravating Hill! Now tell those two imbeciles so we can get the hell out of here.
[The MAP refurls itself and slides back into Arthur’s Rucksack.]
ARTHUR: Where did the Map say we have to go?
MERLIN: A better question-why does the Map sound like Gaius?
ARTHUR: To scar me for eternity. Which is working, by the way.
[There is a long, slightly awkward pause as they stare at the screen, waiting for instruction.]
ARTHUR: The Insalubrious Swamp, the Rickety Bridge, and the Leg-Cramp-Aggravating Hill?
MERLIN: This sounds like an extremely transparent method of dividing the episode into manageable sections.
ARTHUR: Come on, Merlin. Stop monkeying around.
MERLIN: I hope you get the worst leg cramps of your life.
[They start skipping and sing.]
TOGETHER: Come on, vamanos!
Everybody, let’s go!
Come on, let’s get to it-
I know that we can do it!
ARTHUR: Where are we going?
[Clap, clap, clap.]
MERLIN: The waterfall! Where are we going?
[Clap, clap, clap.]
ARTHUR: The waterfall!
MERLIN: Where are we-
ARTHUR: Stop that before we get in an infinite feedback loop.
MERLIN: Aww. It’s kind of fun.
ARTHUR: That’s how it always starts.
[They approach the Insalubrious Swamp, which is a broad expanse of marsh-brown, sluggish, and bubbling; it looks very insalubrious indeed.]
MERLIN: We should’ve gone with Teletubbies.
ARTHUR: Are you kidding? That living vacuum-thing scares the crap out of me.
MERLIN: Oh, well. Arthur, the swamp is big and icky! How do we get across?
ARTHUR: I vote we swim.
MERLIN: I will die first.
ARTHUR: (rolls his eyes) Fine. Since Merlin is such a huge and total wuss, how do you think we should get across?
[The camera pans back to reveal long trails of stepping stones that lead over the marshland. There is a long silence.]
ARTHUR: The stepping stones? Where?
[Crickets chirp.]
ARTHUR: Oh, those extremely obvious stepping stones! I thought you meant the other ones. Thanks for helping!
MERLIN: I still don’t like the look of this.
ARTHUR: Huge and total wuss, like I said. (turns to camera) Can you say ‘Merlin is a huge and total wuss’?
MERLIN: Don’t abuse the system.
ARTHUR: We need to jump across the stepping stones. Can you help us practice jumping? Get up, and… jump, jump, jump! Salta!
[Merlin and Arthur jump up and down half a dozen times.]
ARTHUR: Great jumping, everyone! (he steps onto the first stone, then looks both ways, finding two potential routes of stepping stones) Uh oh! I don’t know which direction to go. Can you help us get across? One path will be yellow-
[The leftward path of stones, which stops in the middle of the marsh, obediently lights up yellow.]
ARTHUR: -and the other will be red.
[The rightward fork, which leads all the way across, becomes reddish.]
ARTHUR: Those are the colors of Camelot, and it has nothing to do with that Gryffindor thing, so stop asking. Which path should I take?
[A long, slightly awkward silence.]
ARTHUR: The red path? Okay! Come on, Merlin, before the rocks sink and we die! Jump with us-jump, jump, jump!
[They start hopping across the stones.]
MERLIN: This is like Saturday Night Fever, if John Travolta worked in sewage.
[Arthur and Merlin disco all the way to the other side, where they step back onto solid ground.]
ARTHUR: Great jumping, everyone! Where do we go next?
[Four thumbnails appear on the bottom of the screen, each representing a stage of the journey. The Rickety Bridge one lights up.]
ARTHUR: Okay! Come on, Mer-holy shit!
MERLIN: What?! What is it?!
ARTHUR: (stares) Is that-you have a tail!
MERLIN: (turns to look behind him and discovers that he has, at some point, acquired a prehensile tail) …there are no words for this.
ARTHUR: Holy shit!
MERLIN: Okay, that’s a good start.
ARTHUR: Merlin, what if you’re turning into the monkey?
MERLIN: That would be pretty ridiculous, even for either of these shows.
ARTHUR: You have a tail!
MERLIN: Fair point.
ARTHUR: Dear God, we have to get out of here. Come on, hurry!
[They race down the path to the next obstacle, which is the Rickety Bridge. The Bridge spans a yawning chasm into the Earth, both sides lined with crumbling shale, and is itself one of those classic rope-and-timber bridges that always fall apart at the worst possible moment.]
ARTHUR: I hate my life.
MERLIN: You’re not the one with a tail.
ARTHUR: (looks at him) Huh.
MERLIN: What?
ARTHUR: (looks at the bridge) Nothing. (in a very small voice) It’skindofcute.
MERLIN: (blushes) Really? (his tail curls happily)
ARTHUR: (clears his throat) Anyway, let’s get across this stupid bridge. It doesn’t look likely to hold our weight, so we’ll have to tiptoe. (turns to the camera, wearily) Can you tiptoe? Get up, and… tiptoe, tiptoe!
[Arthur and Merlin demonstrate tiptoeing for a moment, then carefully begin sidling across the Bridge, which creaks ominously.]
MERLIN: They wouldn’t kill us on a children’s show, right?
ARTHUR: Have you seen ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark’?
MERLIN: No, why?
ARTHUR: Carnage.
[Merlin whimpers. They continue to move carefully across the Bridge, planks cracking and falling all around them, requiring them to jump over the holes. The thick ropes that pass for railings on either side are quickly fraying.]
MERLIN: They can’t mess with our canon on somebody else’s show!
ARTHUR: (grimly) Tell that to “Torchwood.”
MERLIN: Shit!
[Even as he clings to the rope, the moorings at the side they came from snap, and the whole bridge plummets to slam against the cliff face on the far side.]
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: Aaaaaaah!
[The Bridge rebounds from the cliffside a few times, swinging, and then slows to a stop. Merlin has caught onto Arthur’s wrists, his prehensile tail tightly clasped around one of the planks, his red-booted feet tangled in the ropes. He has squeezed his eyes shut.]
ARTHUR: (panting, looks down, regrets it, sets his jaw, and then looks up) Merlin.
MERLIN: (eyes still screwed shut) We’re dead, aren’t we?
ARTHUR: (grins) I’m going to be really, really disappointed if this is heaven.
MERLIN: (cracks an eye open) You’re still here; must be hell.
ARTHUR: Har, har. Merlin, listen. I’m going to grab onto the bridge itself, and then you can see if there’s anything useful in my rucksack.
MERLIN: My tail hurts!
ARTHUR: Every time I think I’ve heard everything… Merlin. Focus. We’re going to be all right. (he digs the toes of his boots in between two steady boards, testing his weight a little) Okay. Carefully let go of one of my hands.
MERLIN: I don’t want to drop you!
ARTHUR: That’s new. Come on, Merlin; it’s fine. I promise.
[Reluctantly, watching through one eye, Merlin releases his grip on Arthur’s right wrist, still holding tightly to the other. Arthur immediately latches onto another strong board with his newly-free hand.]
ARTHUR: See? We’re fine. You can completely let go of me now.
MERLIN: (whispering) Don’t want to.
ARTHUR: (smiles faintly) Merlin, it’s all right. Let go of me and look in my rucksack.
MERLIN: (takes a deep, shaky breath) Right. Sorry.
[Merlin releases Arthur’s other wrist, and Arthur gets a good hold on the bridge. Merlin shifts, holding onto the boards himself, and tries to position his feet and tail more securely.]
MERLIN: (bravely) Okay. Rucksack.
RUCKSACK: Yay!
MERLIN: You’re right, Arthur; we’re getting out of this show if it kills us.
ARTHUR: When it kills us.
RUCKSACK: (singing) Rucksack, Rucksack
Rucksack, Rucksack
I’m the Rucksack, loaded up with things and knickkn-
ARTHUR: (loudly) We get it.
RUCKSACK: (pouting) Spoilsport. (clears throat) Can you find something to help Arthur and Merlin get up the cliff?
[The Rucksack’s contents fill the screen. The available items are a pair of gloves, a baseball bat, a lollipop, a grappling hook, and a porn magazine.]
ARTHUR: (voice strained) That’s not mine!
MERLIN: (impressed) How come physics only applies when we’re falling?
RUCKSACK: (proudly) I’m bigger on the inside.
ARTHUR: That’s what she said.
RUCKSACK: I hope you guys get off this show; you’re killing the ratings.
ARTHUR: I hope it gets canceled. Forever. Merlin, get the grappling hook.
[The grappling hook item is selected, lights up, and then flies into Merlin’s hand as the Rucksack screen disappears.]
MERLIN: Got it. How does this thing work?
ARTHUR: You throw it. It’s pretty straightforward.
MERLIN: It looks more like “straight up.”
ARTHUR: Maybe I should take the agonizing death option while I’ve got it.
MERLIN: You’d never. Okay, here I go…
[Merlin, still hanging by his feet and tail, winds the end of the grappling hook’s rope around his left hand and starts swinging the hook around in gradually-faster circles with his right.]
ARTHUR: (interested) Nice technique.
MERLIN: (distractedly) I do have some viable skills.
[Merlin releases the grapple, which sails into the air and arcs neatly over the top of the cliff. A distant scraping is audible as it presumably skitters across the ground.]
MERLIN: (muttering) Come on, catch.
[There is a quiet clunk that sounds like metal on stone. Merlin pulls on the rope, then pulls harder, then pulls very hard, and the grapple doesn’t come loose.]
MERLIN: (pauses) I think it’ll hold.
ARTHUR: (frowns) You think, or you know?
MERLIN: (glances at him) I said “think,” Arthur.
ARTHUR: Are you willing to bet your life on it?
[Merlin sighs, drops the loose end of the rope down to Arthur, and begins pulling himself up the cliffside with it, extricating himself from where he’d been tangled in the bridge and instead using the slats like ladder rungs to the best of his ability. After clearly not pausing to take the opportunity to admire Merlin’s arse (tail and all), Arthur reaches one hand out to take the rope, waits until Merlin is over the top, and then starts climbing after. He hefts himself over the top of the cliff face and rolls onto his back on the ground.]
ARTHUR: (panting and looking up at Merlin) Oh, God. Okay. Where are we going next?
[The location thumbnails appear on the bottom of the screen again, but Merlin waves them away.]
MERLIN: The Leg-Cramp-Aggravating Hill. (he offers Arthur a hand up)
ARTHUR: (accepting it and pulling himself to his feet, nearly bowling Merlin over in the process) Right. (stares)
MERLIN: (worriedly) What?
[Arthur points wordlessly to Merlin’s ears-which are now round, pale brown, and fuzzy, and which are situated on top of his head.]
MERLIN: (going a little pale as he touches them, his voice slightly unsteady) Damn. I really thought the ear situation couldn’t get any worse.
ARTHUR: I like your ears. (pauses) Well, your normal ears. (considers the new ones) These will take some getting used to.
MERLIN: (patting them, looking somewhat ill) Am I honestly going to turn into a monkey?
ARTHUR: (staunchly) No, Merlin, because… (struck with inspiration) …the Waterfall has healing powers.
MERLIN: (new ears perking up) It does?
ARTHUR: That’s right. So let’s just get past this Aggravating Hill, and you’ll be fine.
[Arthur claps Merlin on the back encouragingly, and they warily approach the Hill, which is steep, dry, and slightly rocky.]
ARTHUR: I guess we should just try it.
MERLIN: (nervously) You go first.
ARTHUR: (mutters) Huge and total wuss.
[Arthur ventures forward and begins climbing up the hill. Pebbles skitter and bounce down the hillside, but, carefully, he makes some progress. All is going well until he screams suddenly.]
MERLIN: (scrambling towards him) Arthur, what is it?!
ARTHUR: (collapsing in a heap; semi-coherently) Oh, sweet Jesus-
MERLIN: (trips and falls) Ow. Arthur, what-
ARTHUR: (manages to sit up; massages his calves, grimacing) Worst leg cramps of my life.
MERLIN: (sprawled on the hillside, his tail flicking) …oh, dear.
ARTHUR: (groans) Well, Merlin, we had a good run.
MERLIN: Or a good stumble.
[There is a distant rumbling, grinding noise, which, as it comes closer, sounds like an engine.]
ARTHUR: What the hell is that?
MERLIN: (attempting at cheer) Well, this can’t get any worse.
ARTHUR: Don’t say that. Ever.
MERLIN: Well, it can’t.
[The sound grows louder until its source is revealed: MORGANA drives up in a black Jeep.]
ARTHUR: You have got to be shitting me.
MORGANA: (jumping out) Salut!
[Arthur and Merlin exchange glances.]
MORGANA: Qu’est-ce qui se passe?
ARTHUR: Isn’t this show supposed to teach Spanish?
MERLIN: (itches at one of his ears) Yeah, generally. Though if you think about it… Morgana Le Fay; Le Morte D’Arthur…
ARTHUR: …the what?!
MERLIN: (quickly) Uh, nothing. Anyway, let’s celebrate diversity. Morgana, nous ne pouvons pas… uh…
ARTHUR: Nous ne pouvons pas grimper cette Colline d’Aggravation.
MORGANA: Ah! Ici, c’est ma jeep. Je vous conduirai.
MERLIN: Youpi!
[Arthur and Merlin get into Morgana’s Jeep, and, with much hard rock music and engine noises, they ascend. She drops them off where the path takes up again.]
ARTHUR: (looks to the camera scathingly) Say “merci” to thank Morgana, even though everybody knows we didn’t really need her help. Say it with me-merci, Morgana!
(Long, slightly awkward pause.)
MORGANA: De rien!
ARTHUR: …même que nous n’avions pas vraiment besoin de ton aide.
MORGANA: Je te déteste.
[Morgana jumps back into her Jeep and drives away, breaking speed limit laws and possibly the sound barrier as she goes. Arthur scowls after her.]
MERLIN: Arthur-
ARTHUR: I hate that woman.
MERLIN: Arthur-
ARTHUR: She and her sudden-onset Frenchness mock me.
MERLIN: Prat.
ARTHUR: (spins, angrily) What do you want?!
[Merlin points wordlessly to TRICKLER, who is wearing a motley bandana and some gloves.]
ARTHUR: Oh, shit! Come on, everybody-
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: Trickler, no tricking! Trickler, no tricking! Trickler-
TRICKLER: Nice try!
[Trickler darts in and steals Merlin’s boots, sending Merlin tumbling to the ground. Trickler flings the footwear so far it soars into the distance. The boots wink as they disappear near the horizon.]
TRICKLER: Who’s laughing now, bitches?
ARTHUR: No one, actually.
TRICKLER: But-oh. Well, ha! Ha, ha, ha!
[Arthur calmly unsheathes his sword.]
TRICKLER: (gulps) Later, losers!
[Trickler starts to flee, then reconsiders and pauses at the edge of the frame to call back.]
TRICKLER: (wickedly) Enjoying the enchantment, Merlin?
MERLIN: (dazedly) The-?
[Arthur turns to glance at Merlin and stops short, staring, permitting a giggling Trickler to get away.]
MERLIN: (uneasily) Arthur, what-
[Arthur merely points to Merlin’s feet. With the boots gone, it is revealed that he now has a pair of monkey paws.]
MERLIN: (blankly) Fuck my life.
ARTHUR: Mine, too, while you’re at it. Can you even walk on those?
[Merlin attempts to get up, tremulously, only to stumble and faceplant as he tries to put weight on the paws.]
ARTHUR: Apparently not. Here.
[Arthur gathers Merlin up in both arms, to Merlin’s intense and red-faced chagrin.]
ARTHUR: It’s a good thing you’re made of toothpicks.
MERLIN: (meekly) You kidding? I’m pure steel.
ARTHUR: (snorts) Yeah. “Steel.” That was the word I was thinking of.
MERLIN: (curls a little closer instinctively, his tail twitching) How far is this healing waterfall?
[Arthur tops a rise and winces heavily.]
ARTHUR: Just past the druid camp…
MERLIN: The-Arthur!
ARTHUR: I had to, okay? My father’s orders and the plot of the show. What was I supposed to do?
[Merlin looks out over the druids’ camp where it lies at the fringes of the forest, a thriving, disorderly congregation of tents and other makeshift homes. Wash lines dip between tents and trees, tents and poles, tents and other tents; and small fires, decked with cauldrons and cooking gear, dot the open spaces.]
MERLIN: (squaring his jaw; voice tight but unrelenting) Arthur Pendragon, don’t you even think about-
ARTHUR: (shouting) I need a healer!
[The chattering commotion grinds to a halt as people start to take notice of the newcomers, but the silence doesn’t last-murmuring breaks out, low and mistrustful, as they see the sword at Arthur’s side, the finery of his clothes, and all the marks of his rank. They read signs like these effortlessly, which is why they’re still alive.]
ARTHUR: (frustrated) Somebody! Please! He’s turning into a fucking monkey!
MERLIN: (weakly) Maybe not the most persuasive preface.
ARTHUR: If you don’t help me, you’ll be squeaking instead of smart-mouthing in a minute.
[Merlin looks as though Arthur might be right-he’s pale, and he’s started shaking a little, nestling closer to Arthur’s chest. Something, at least, is very wrong. The druids can tell, but Arthur can’t be sure if it’s pity or wariness they register now.]
MERLIN: At least I won’t have to clean up after you.
ARTHUR: If I can train regular Merlin, I can train a monkey. (he looks to the druids, desperately) Come on, please. Anyone, please. I know I’m not-somebody you want to see here, somebody you ever want to see, but this isn’t his fault. Trickler did it, and he’s dying, and he needs your help. I can’t fix this.
MERLIN: (mumbles into Arthur’s chest) You’re kind of gorgeous when you go all noble.
ARTHUR: (smiles weakly) “Kind of”? How about “completely”?
[Merlin laughs softly and then coughs. A WOMAN steps forward from the frontmost cluster of druids-a woman with her dark hair in a braid down her back; a woman with a long, pale face and long, pale hands, which reach towards Merlin. Arthur resists the urge to shy away, and the woman lays her fingers on Merlin’s chest and closes her eyes.]
DRUID WOMAN: I can fix it.
ARTHUR: (faintly with relief) Please.
[The woman’s eyelids rise, and her eyes glow golden, one hand rising to Merlin’s transformed ears. There’s a rush of gold particles, of ether, of vapor made of tiny stars, a glowing mist that wraps its tendrils around Merlin’s face, his waist, his hands, his feet. Merlin arches his back, drawing in a gasping deep breath, and gold dust streams into Arthur’s eyes. By the time he’s blinked it away-and inhaled significantly more of it than he would like to think about-Merlin’s appendages have returned to normal, and there’s color in his cheeks again. The woman steps back, rejoining the other druids, who catch at her sleeves and mutter things Arthur doesn’t care to try to hear.]
MERLIN: (biting his lip on a grin) You can put me down now.
ARTHUR: (smiles slowly) Don’t want to.
MERLIN: (face pinkish) Really, though.
[Arthur sets Merlin on his bare feet, and the boy wriggles his toes in the grass, then glances behind him.]
MERLIN: Kind of miss it.
[Given that Arthur would never admit to his agreement, Merlin merely turns to him, solemn now.]
MERLIN: These people have done us a kindness, Arthur. Return the favor. It doesn’t matter what your father says-what anyone says. They’re just people, people like our people, people like us, people going about living the only way they can.
ARTHUR: I can’t tell if you’re secretly a sorcerer or just a hippie.
MERLIN: Arthur-
ARTHUR: They can’t deny what they are. Who am I to tell them to, if for every Trickler there’s a healer willing to use it as a gift?
MERLIN: (smiling softly) There is, and more. Let them be. (he twitches, then glances towards the crowd)
[MORDRED has emerged at the front of the group, wide-eyed and interested.]
MERLIN: Except for that little shit. He wants all of us dead.
MORDRED: What?!
MERLIN: Get ’im!
[A merry chase ensues. Merlin seems to have it out for Mordred, and Arthur follows, because odds are a barefooted Merlin careening around at the boundary of the forest, straight through a streambed, and then to the edge of the Waterfall will end in tears (or at least very bloody feet). Once Merlin has cornered Mordred at the falls, the yelling begins.]
ARTHUR: I should have stayed home today.
MERLIN: -and if you talk to me in my head again, so help me, I will end you!
MORDRED: You couldn’t end a gnat, Emrys. You’re soft.
MERLIN: I’m not “soft”! I just didn’t cut out my own soul at the age of seven, thanks!
MORDRED: You’re the Pendragons’ lapdog. You’ve betrayed me, and all the druids, and everything we stand for. You’ve betrayed your magic and yourself.
MERLIN: It’s not that simple! Something’s got to get sacrificed; you just can’t make it all fit!
MORDRED: That’s what your mum said last night.
MERLIN: That’s it-!
[Before Arthur can scramble close enough to intervene, Merlin raises his hand, spits a few spiky words of magic, and blasts Mordred off of the waterfall with a huge burst of power. The druid boy plummets like a stone.]
MORDRED: (voice dwindling) Fuck you and the horse you rode in on…!
[Merlin folds his arms tightly across his chest, frowning darkly. Arthur’s knees give out, and he sits down a meter or so from his sorcerous servant.]
ARTHUR: (blankly) I quit. I quit. I am fucking done.
MERLIN: (glances at him, guilt-stricken) Oh. Sorry.
ARTHUR: (vaguely) No, no, I… will… just take my paycheck now and go get a job in retail. In a suburb somewhere. Maybe I’ll try London. Mannequins never hurt anyone.
MERLIN: You can’t quit.
ARTHUR: (getting up, resolute) Watch me, witch-boy.
MERLIN: You can quit in two minutes, but you can’t quit now.
ARTHUR: What’s that sup-
[Music begins.]
MERLIN: (singing) We did it! We did it! We did it, yay!
ARTHUR: Aw, hell, no.
MERLIN: (still stinging) Lo hicimos-we did it!
[Arthur sighs heavily and rakes both hands through his hair.]
MERLIN: We crossed the swamp with stones and didn’t fail
Yeah, we did it!
We did it! We did it! We did it! Hooray!
ARTHUR: (reluctantly) We survived the bridge, and Merlin grew a tail
Yeah, we did it…
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it!
ARTHUR: We didn’t need Morgana’s help at all-
MERLIN: And we kicked Mordred’s punk ass off a waterfall!
Yay!
ARTHUR: Whoo!
MERLIN: Hooray!
MERLIN AND ARTHUR: We did it!
[Pause.]
MERLIN: …whoo!
ARTHUR: (turns to the camera, pained) What was your favorite part of the trip today?
[Long, slightly awkward pause.]
ARTHUR: I liked that part, too. My favorite was saying that Merlin was a huge and total wuss. Which is still true, by the way.
MERLIN: My favorite part was almost getting turned into a monkey.
ARTHUR: (startled) Really?
MERLIN: (flatly) No.
ARTHUR: (heaves a deep, deep sigh) Come here.
MERLIN: (cautiously) Why?
ARTHUR: (waves him over) Get on my back.
MERLIN: …what?!
ARTHUR: Get on my back. I’ll carry you. You can’t walk all the way back without shoes, Merlin.
MERLIN: (clambers in an ungainly fashion into the piggyback position, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck and making a valiant effort not to strangle him) How’s this?
ARTHUR: I’ll live. Probably.
MERLIN: (sighs) I love you.
[There is a long and slightly awkward pause as he realizes what he has just said. Then Arthur goes Camelot-or-Gryffindor red and briskly starts off, Merlin clinging.]
ARTHUR: Shut up, idiot.
MERLIN: (beaming blindingly) You shut up, prat.
THE END
Credits:
ARTHUR - Arthur Pendragon
MERLIN - Merlin Emrys
THE MAP (voice) - Gaius
MORGANA - Morgana
TRICKLER - as himself
DRUID WOMAN - ??
MORDRED - whatever, no one likes him anyway
No druids were harmed during the making of this episode
…okay, that’s a lie.
ROT IN HELL, DEVIL-SPAWN!