(no subject)
Well, my livejournal's quite dead. And I have been lamenting my loss of self expression that I had so treasured before. I think alot of my silence had to do with fear and shame on my part. Fear that whatever I said could have been "wrong", and thus persecuted and judged for it. Also shame, that although thoughts were my own and true to myself, I didn't want my thoughts to be mine. And so because of my cowardice, I have muffled one of my most passionate and truthful part of myself. And this, I should be ashamed of. But I shouldn't be. Because books have told me that it is just a lesson, a process which is necessary. My mind believes it, my heart still numbs itself and my soul is in doubt of itself.
Here comes the obligatory disclaimer that all this is just rambling and should be ignored. But this, is up to you.
Bleargh, really. That's all I'm feeling right now. I wish things would just have remained the way it was, that I didn't break up with ina, that I'd still be able to hold her and be comfortable. But then again, I'm happy I did break up with her. It's one of the things that I'm most proud of in a long time. It was really hard for me to come to terms with my ownselfnand emotions and issues and really do what I thought was the right thing. Only thing I really regret is that I had to do it to someone I still love. I can't love her as a lover. But as a person, I love her to bits. For who she is, who she was and wants to be. I loved the times I had with her, our routines and our comfort wig each other.
Anyway I'm getting sleep so I'll just try to say what I wanted to. I know This relationship has to end sooner or later, and you're okay with that. You love on a day to day basis, and when you let go, you let go. Maybe it's not easy for you, but it looked easy. Objectively, I know that's okay. Or maybe it isn't, I dint wanna argue wad should or shouldn't be. All I wish for right now is this: that if we would hug, I wish you'd do so, so that I'd feel like holding on to each other is for our dear lives. And that you'd look like letting go of this would be harder.
Bleargh. Whatever Terrance. Goodnight.
I hope youd read this, and miss me and still feel like you need me as much as I need you. Probably pointlessly.
Here comes the obligatory disclaimer that all this is just rambling and should be ignored. But this, is up to you.
Bleargh, really. That's all I'm feeling right now. I wish things would just have remained the way it was, that I didn't break up with ina, that I'd still be able to hold her and be comfortable. But then again, I'm happy I did break up with her. It's one of the things that I'm most proud of in a long time. It was really hard for me to come to terms with my ownselfnand emotions and issues and really do what I thought was the right thing. Only thing I really regret is that I had to do it to someone I still love. I can't love her as a lover. But as a person, I love her to bits. For who she is, who she was and wants to be. I loved the times I had with her, our routines and our comfort wig each other.
Anyway I'm getting sleep so I'll just try to say what I wanted to. I know This relationship has to end sooner or later, and you're okay with that. You love on a day to day basis, and when you let go, you let go. Maybe it's not easy for you, but it looked easy. Objectively, I know that's okay. Or maybe it isn't, I dint wanna argue wad should or shouldn't be. All I wish for right now is this: that if we would hug, I wish you'd do so, so that I'd feel like holding on to each other is for our dear lives. And that you'd look like letting go of this would be harder.
Bleargh. Whatever Terrance. Goodnight.
I hope youd read this, and miss me and still feel like you need me as much as I need you. Probably pointlessly.