blah feeling.

Mar 29, 2010 02:41

garghhhhh

inner demons are so hard to vanquish. i figure that this is gna be a problem that'll plague me for the rest of my life.

I'm too self critical, too judgemental of myself. And this is made worse by having a very judgemental workplace and a paranoid and critical authoratharian manager. Growing up i felt outcast, didn't quite fit in in school, and had a authoratarian brother and a missing father presence.

so most of this equaled to me having alot of anxiety about how i appear to others. and when i did something that displeased others, especially to ones i loved, i tended to have alot of exaggerated self guilt. I would deal with that guilt either by a)running away, b)convincing myself that the issue mattered less to me than it did, c)shifting blame to that the other party, d)being apologetic and appearing pitiful, e)lashing out against loved ones, which is the worst.

Btw, this is really a no holds barred reflection, a uncomfortable honest reflection. But i'm gna do it anyway.

I have a few ways which i deal with this. One is talking about it; blogging, talking to friends about it, which sometimes is enough to deal with that anxiety.

I love it when i was at andrew's party. With crazy friends whom i can be myself and as crazy as possible without fear of being judged, and with people who in fact embrace it. but then that's a luxury that i don't have now, working at a place where people like them are few and far between.

I know that i shouldn't beat myself over it. Its normal and everyone makes mistakes, but sometimes no matter what i do, i just can't get over it. well at least blogging about it helped quite abit now.. I know i should love myself more and give myself a break. i guess.

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh feeling shitty now. i need love. x( kay im gna bathe then sleep. this house is empty and i feel lonely >.
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