(no subject)
As I get older, I realize that I'm not as passive as I once was before. It's quite interesting the struggle and mixed emotions I feel which tends to contradict each other. I realize that my life has always been based and defined around the people and environment around me, right now, it's just me and the world.
I have not found peace with who I am, or who I am going to be. As I walk down the streets, I look at the people walking all with purpose and often times in comfort which I envy. I'm working to find peace and direction once again, and look forward to when I find it.
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I came to a realization last night, my biggest self-esteem issue I have is the feeling of second-best. This really affects how I feel, yet it also drives me (at times). The feeling of second-best doesn't mean I'm not good enough, nor the potential to be good enough, I'm secure in that, it means that I feel that the people around me have made that decision or that's the way they feel and for me, I have no control over those decisions.
As banditprincess has stated to me, I can be manipulative in my ways to project my ideas/views, while making people believe its of their own choice. As others have told me, they feel that I do not do things without some purpose. The feeling of second-best could be in my nature where I probably like to feel in control, through any chaos.
Couple this feeling with my passive nature, an you get a mess of emotions. At some point I'll need to let things out and speak up for the good of myself.
One day. I'll probably happen sooner than I would ever think.
I have not found peace with who I am, or who I am going to be. As I walk down the streets, I look at the people walking all with purpose and often times in comfort which I envy. I'm working to find peace and direction once again, and look forward to when I find it.
---
I came to a realization last night, my biggest self-esteem issue I have is the feeling of second-best. This really affects how I feel, yet it also drives me (at times). The feeling of second-best doesn't mean I'm not good enough, nor the potential to be good enough, I'm secure in that, it means that I feel that the people around me have made that decision or that's the way they feel and for me, I have no control over those decisions.
As banditprincess has stated to me, I can be manipulative in my ways to project my ideas/views, while making people believe its of their own choice. As others have told me, they feel that I do not do things without some purpose. The feeling of second-best could be in my nature where I probably like to feel in control, through any chaos.
Couple this feeling with my passive nature, an you get a mess of emotions. At some point I'll need to let things out and speak up for the good of myself.
One day. I'll probably happen sooner than I would ever think.