January Talkmeme - Faith and Fandom
beatrice_otter asked: Any ways your faith has affected or been affected by your fannish experiences? (Only if you're comfortable talking about stuff like that in public.)
Fifteen years ago I probably would have fit the social morality profile of an Evangelical Christian (as the US defines it). Now, I still believe firmly in Christ alone, grace alone, faith alone (my definition of 'Christian') but I'm a lot more flexible on the question of "what is sin?" Because sinful is what we are as humans, and while what we do as people is the outpouring of that, it's a lot more pervasive than "doing this is a sin". Sin is a separation from God, a relationship that is broken and not what it's meant to be. And nobody has an unbroken relationship with God, gay or straight, Evangelical Christian or indifferent atheist, [insert whatever polarity here]. Nothing we can do is untainted; Mother Theresa is not pure, the Dalai Lama is not pure, the Pope is not pure - the best we have are grubby rags for a party invite that said "come dressed gloriously, if necessary I can clothe you" and then we go to the party and insist that our rags are enough - and they're not.
This is why Jesus.
I think there's also a certain amount of cultural expectation and context bound up in the idea of Christianity these days.
Fandom and fannish experience have shown me that there's a lot of people in the world who don't fit the kind of life I grew up in, whose questions of faith and belief are very different, because of culture, because of social pressure, because of who they perceive themselves to be, because of what they focus on. And so I think fandom has made me a lot more understanding of humanity and how we fail - not because the people in fandom are spiritual failures, but because it's brought a deeper comprehension of the breadth of humanity to me - and my own strengths, failings, and why I need God.
In terms of my faith informing my fannish preferences; I made a realisation in 2014, which was that the way I view sexuality - even outside marriage - is that it's a tool for a specific purpose. Sex isn't an itch to be scratched, or a hunger to be sated - and it's not casual. Sex creates intimacy, both for men and for women, although women are more attuned to it socially and possibly evolutionarily.
So my characters might start off as fuck-buddies, but they will become intimate from continuing sexual encounters. deep as the scar that's under my skin is a fic of that nature: Steve and Maria start off with what appear to be casual sexual encounters, but even that first time is intimate, personal. That's partly due to their natures, too - I think Steve could do casual sex, but it wouldn't be his preference, he'd much rather have a partner he could trust, laugh with, enjoy on a personal level and not just a sexual one. And Maria certainly wouldn't willingly bed anyone she couldn't trust - both as a woman and as a woman in a position of power.
I've done a lot of things that I'm not sure are particularly godly in fandom. Threesome fic, sworn a lot, adopted OMG as an exclamation, and I don't know that I'd be comfortable with my Christian friends knowing about my fanfic. They know I write, they don't know what I write or how much of it, and they're not curious.
Interestingly, fandom has expanded my view of the world, but it hasn't changed my worldview. In fact, it's only confirmed it.
Does that make me a better/worse Christian? I don't think there's a 'better' or 'worse' in a Christian - I'm still fallen, still clinging to the hems of grace, still struggling to be loving and obedient to God, still focused on more than just me-me-me. I still need to read my Bible more, to listen to what God has to say to me more. I should do more study of faith and doctrines beyond what I learn in bible study, and I should pray more often. These struggles haven't changed in 20 years, and there's a part of me that's worried that I don't want to change - 20 years is a long time to stay standing still!
And yes, this is hard to talk about, but less in a 'dis/comfort' way because I think about it a lot; more in a) a personally spiritually challenging way, b) the knowledge that people will pigeonhole me according to whatever their experience and understanding permit. Which is daunting, because I hate being categorised - don't we all? But I've been thinking about it more in the last couple of years, and I think it's necessary for me to be more open about my faith. I do feel like I downplayed it for many years.