I do believe in all the things you see
I've been needing to get my life out into words for quite some time this past month. I figured i'd do it here
Friday I was arrested with possession of marijuana on a drug free school zone, and i guess it still just hasnt hit me. It wasnt that I was flaunting it, the drug dogs werent even there. It was the fact that the dealer got caught and ratted out every kid he had sold to that day. This is quite out of character for me to be arrested. I hardly speak in class, and havnt gone further than saturday school. Now im suspended for 45 days and left with a nice fucking court date on January 3rd. All because i had not even 2 bowls of pot on me. And I guess what really botheres me is the way the school treats you. like shit, complete shit. Like i was some fucking burden to the world. My mom had to release me from the police department after almost 5 hours of dealing with all the bullshit, and i was so ready to get home.
The thing is, im not a bad kid. Im really not. Amazing how much god pours karma over me anytime i make a bad choice. amazing. This is the worst year of my life. I live two very different lives. One in the day time, thats the miserable desiree. The one that is so cynical towards every human being in that god damn school. The desiree that looks hung over as fuck every day and sleeps through every period. My night life contains the best memories. No one even knows the people I hang out with during the evening. And thats what I do. Party every night, sleep all day. It doesnt bother me. I guess what really hurts is all these habits. Seems to be too many, cant keep up with them all. When im not toaking it up, i'm a drunk. I've consumed at least 7 beers a night, but I love my friends. I really do. the 10, 12 of us cant really bare going a night without it. Were all the same. All alcoholic stoners that love eachother. and i really do, i couldnt imagine life without any of them.
I cant help but understand my whole life is a lie, everything i've ever learned is just a bunch of words put together to mean something from nothing. These morals, rules, right, and wrong. I cant help but know its make believe or made up from some acid tripping government back in the day so our society could stay whole. Life? hah. a big fucking joke. This is life... school, work, money, marriage, kids, get old, die. Thats all you know though. And thats all we'll ever know. Thats a pretty sad way to live if you ask me. We cant even be ourselves, all of us follow eachother. All of us. Were all soaked up in the t.v. screen checking out the latest styles just to set ourselves apart. I cant imagine the world 100 years from now or what it will consist of. Weve turned this place into hell. Im sorry but we have. I dont see the beauty anymore because ive realized too much. I wish i never learned it either. I believe in absolutely nothing. I'm a negative person, and a complainer. This is why i turn to substances daily. At least i've knocked out all the other unnessessary shit in my life. ( man - made drugs ) . Yea, at least i knocked all that shit out.
I have problems that I dont want to take care of, because im stubborn and will never change. Then I think about all the people I let down because of it, and how fucking shitty of a person I am sometimes. But when the night falls, and im dancing and laughing thats when I forget about it all. I guess thats when I really feel alive, and not care about a damn thing, because life really does feel infinite all over again. And all the cynical emotions dissapear. I enjoy that. I need that for my life so much more.
I could ramble for days and days, but i'd rather sleep. Anything to make time pass during the day is what i need. Something about the daytime brings me down.
I've fallen down, and im just waiting to rise back up .