confessions of the ex pot head
"Tell you what, I think it made me lose a good 20 IQ points" he said yesterday.
I would have to say I feel the same way. And that nothing has quite been the same since I first smoked it. Everything still feels a little far away. Just a little too far to touch, a little too strange and distant for me to empathise with. I used to feel what people around me felt - I'm still suseptible to group emotions but I can't tune into people the way I used to. But maybe that's just the hormonal shift of becoming an adult and no longer being a child or adolescent.
Maybe because it was so hazy at the time I can't really remember it. I lost my memory too. I used to remember her so madly that I smoked and smoked and smoked to kill off her memory an here I am in the future, barely able to remember what it was like to hold her hand that last time.
But I won't lie to you. When I think about weed I just want some more. I love the taste of it, the smell of it, grinding it up and loading the cone. Taking out the tobacco of a cigarette and smoking it in public. Going to TAFE off my nut and giggling at the lecturers. Though I'm certain I wasn't the only one who was off their face in that class.
The mad hallucinations I would experience when I took certain drugs and had cones on top of it. The complete escape from the life I knew. I loved that drug. I loved it more than alcohol. I loved it more than anything else I knew. I used to sit on livejournal and write some dumb things because I found them hilarious (you can still find the entries at the start of this- it's been that long since I was a stoner)
Would I go back to it? If I didn't have such terrible consequences to it, definitely. But I look at my comerades from those days and how strange they are now. My dealer for example, once a seriously sweet and intelligent guy; I saw him last nearly 2 years ago and he was quiet, reserved and untalkative. He had stopped dealing, that was certain, but he had stopped being himself too.
My ex boyfriend Mark became something completely different. And barely recollects the time we were together, even though we weren't stoners - nor had we tried it - while we were 'together' (If you call teen romance a relationship)
I miss weed, I really do. I want to smoke myself stupidly skinny again.
(Note: if you smoke a lot, or even just a little before bed every night, it absolutely crushes your appetite and the thought of food is disgusting to you. You can still get the munchies if you get high through the day but eventually it does wear off. For the most part, if I knew I was hungry, I would have to get high in order to even contemplate eating. I went days without food. Goodness knows if I even drank anything. I became so thin that I looked completely different. Once there were photos on livejournal of me at that time - but photobucket destroyed my account.)
Maybe it's just wanting to lose weight which makes me think of weed. But you would be astonished to know just how damned much I talk about it. Considering I haven't smoked it at all for...
I don't even remember the last time I had any
Oh that's right it was at the hostel last year.
Prior to that. Probably five years.
It's now been six years since I stopped smoking at least 4 times a day.
And if I could manage it (avoiding parents) I was smoking a good fourteen times a day. And thats not just one cone at a time - it was more like 3-8 cones in a sitting.
And how did I stop?
I was too stubborn to admit to another person they were smarter than me, and stopped smoking on the spot to prove them otherwise.
I still miss that guy. And it's been four years since I last saw him too