Now, I'm taken down a notch or two....
Has it been this hard in past experiences? I don't know, does a measly piece of jewelry or two make the difference? Or is the fact that after sabotaging a relationship four times, each time I felt a piece of me ripped inside? I know how this probably will work. First month, be whiney and complain and miserable to anyone who will listen. People will give me oh, I'm sorry and comforting words, but eventually within that month, they will become sick of hearing it, and I will grow outwardly silent. The following month, I will inwardly mope, and be depressed. On the outside, I will keep up appearances to please others. Then what is next? I hear "Oh he just got cold feet." and "There's another story behind this." Along with "Maybe he'll come around and you can work things out.", and "You don't need him, your better off this way." I tell so many stories, probably no one believes me anymore. The truth to the matter is, I screwed up way back when. I should have stopped then. Stopped with the bullshit and the lies, and ended the drama. It's hard trying to move on from a four year relationship that has damaged both parties, it's not easy for me, because some part of me will always care for the other person. I can't just end it, even thought that would be probably healthier for both people. It's taken me almost a year to maybe see that person more as a friend, and not be jealous over things that happen, or be so affected by them. It takes time, and you were a rebound. I'm sorry, you weren't meant to be but you were. And I was hoping you'd understand, but betraying your trust probably destroyed that possibility. Now your more than just a rebound. With that said, and I'm hoping you know. I don't hold any ill thoughts toward you. I just miss you. I'm wishing this would get easier faster. 99% of everything reminds me of you. I want to still do so much more with you. And we can't, can we? We'll never walk through Philadelphia again, even if we were to fight? Or enjoy the outdoors, or hold each other? Talk about how frustrated with our lives we are? Nothing is ever gonna happen again.
I was angry with you when you didn't text me the first five days, and then you miraculously did, and I thought we'd work it out. Then I got all messed up and hormonal with what was happening, and I didn't hear from you again for another five days. Which just pissed me off even more. I don't know if that's love, or wanting something I can no longer have. I keep hoping we can try, maybe go back to not expecting too much.If that would make things easier? You can even have the one ring back I still have. Wow, now I'm asking to buy you back. Pathetic. That's what I am. I'm a pathetic upset, void-less emotional black hole bi*ch @ss punk.
Damn it, I was attempting to imagine what it felt wrapped in your arms last night so I could attempt sleeping without drugs, and I couldn't. I'm so cold and numb. I remember what it felt like, but it's no substitute. While I sit here crying AGAIN, and frustrated AGAIN, because I don't know what to say. In some way your right, pushing me away to go start again might help me, but I don't want it. And in you saying that if we go back out and I hurt you again by cheating on you, it'll just hurt you even more. It would be best to end it now....I guess. It seems wrong to end it, IMO. Or maybe it seems wrong that we took the path we did, and it ends how it is currently ending. I know once I get my furniture, and you find a new person, I will be a distant memory and those texts messages I looked forward to getting all tonight and this break, and before, I will no longer receive....Shit, I'm crying again. MAN, I'm so heart broken. This must be what heart break actually feels like. Damn, I'm selfish. I'm sorry to all those I f'd with, and broke their hearts. This isn't nice.
I'm sure storybook love isn't real, but I'm not sure how real love is. So how can I guarantee that I love you? I can promise you this. I won't cheat on you again...uh that's right, I'm not dating you anymore. There's a ton of songs I've been listening too, stuff I didn't listen to when we were together. Yet they all seem to have a lost soul/love theme too them. Heh. I feel like the ring is symbolic with its cracked heart now. I dunno, I seem to be rambling now. I'm gonna stop. Sorry if you read this. I'm a bit of a mess right now.
An aside, because I'm a mess DOES NOT MEAN I'm looking for anything. People who talk about "helping" me get over it, and actually mean trying to get in my pants. That's pathetic and really heartless. Maybe you haven't felt like this, but having sex with you isn't gonna help me. So back off, Ok? And realize I'm not healed yet.
Hopefully the healing will begin soon. At least I've stopped crying for the time being... That's a good sign?
I was angry with you when you didn't text me the first five days, and then you miraculously did, and I thought we'd work it out. Then I got all messed up and hormonal with what was happening, and I didn't hear from you again for another five days. Which just pissed me off even more. I don't know if that's love, or wanting something I can no longer have. I keep hoping we can try, maybe go back to not expecting too much.If that would make things easier? You can even have the one ring back I still have. Wow, now I'm asking to buy you back. Pathetic. That's what I am. I'm a pathetic upset, void-less emotional black hole bi*ch @ss punk.
Damn it, I was attempting to imagine what it felt wrapped in your arms last night so I could attempt sleeping without drugs, and I couldn't. I'm so cold and numb. I remember what it felt like, but it's no substitute. While I sit here crying AGAIN, and frustrated AGAIN, because I don't know what to say. In some way your right, pushing me away to go start again might help me, but I don't want it. And in you saying that if we go back out and I hurt you again by cheating on you, it'll just hurt you even more. It would be best to end it now....I guess. It seems wrong to end it, IMO. Or maybe it seems wrong that we took the path we did, and it ends how it is currently ending. I know once I get my furniture, and you find a new person, I will be a distant memory and those texts messages I looked forward to getting all tonight and this break, and before, I will no longer receive....Shit, I'm crying again. MAN, I'm so heart broken. This must be what heart break actually feels like. Damn, I'm selfish. I'm sorry to all those I f'd with, and broke their hearts. This isn't nice.
I'm sure storybook love isn't real, but I'm not sure how real love is. So how can I guarantee that I love you? I can promise you this. I won't cheat on you again...uh that's right, I'm not dating you anymore. There's a ton of songs I've been listening too, stuff I didn't listen to when we were together. Yet they all seem to have a lost soul/love theme too them. Heh. I feel like the ring is symbolic with its cracked heart now. I dunno, I seem to be rambling now. I'm gonna stop. Sorry if you read this. I'm a bit of a mess right now.
An aside, because I'm a mess DOES NOT MEAN I'm looking for anything. People who talk about "helping" me get over it, and actually mean trying to get in my pants. That's pathetic and really heartless. Maybe you haven't felt like this, but having sex with you isn't gonna help me. So back off, Ok? And realize I'm not healed yet.
Hopefully the healing will begin soon. At least I've stopped crying for the time being... That's a good sign?