Doug
Tonight I am going to write about Doug.
When I met him, I was probably 15 years old. I don't know why I liked him, but the attraction was automatic. He was not typically beautiful, and I suppose neither was I. He was tall, and he smiled at me, but that wasn't quite it. Just my heart seized up. I don't remember any real flirting, or even words, just feelings.
I can see the room I was in, feel his proximity to me in my memory. I wanted to be close to him. There was a mutual curiosity between us, an interest. Whose idea was it to take a walk in the woods? I'm not sure, but I'd at that point become a walker in my spare time. I had begun to love the woods of Pennsylvania, and any time in them. Emily was with us, maybe also Miki. Perhaps Marty. Somehow Doug and I ended up alone. I can't remember how, had he said something about an overlook? I don't remember hands touching, just the looking, then the kiss.
The rest of the story is a collection of reaching out and letting go. He was at Pitt. I was in Indiana. Did I see him so rarely because he was living so far away? When I saw him, there was always a dance and a question. Would we be alone that night?
He told me recently of the days his heart broke, but I don't think I told him of mine. We were at his apartment in Oakland. We, the crowd, us. Justin, probably, Jesse, my best friend, Emily, Miki, who else? Hal? Dan? It was a group. I do not know who else was there, I just remember we were all waiting for Lisa. Doug wanted us all to meet Lisa. She was late, coming from a movie with friends.
This day was more vivid for me.
She wore a long white button down shirt, sheer material, blouse like, but not see through. Or was it one of his blue shirts? Memory is unreliable. She had it on over jeans. Her hair was dark, shiney, around shoulder length. It was very neat. Everything about her was neat and clean. She was pretty. Really pretty. And she was his.
Did it take my breath away? He was taken again, but this time, it was real. There were introductions. She was scared. Her face turned away a lot.
It did hit me. Disappointment. Hiding. I distanced myself, there was beer, I'm sure. Cigarettes, me being silly. Jesse knew and came to my side. She continued her conversations, but stayed close to me, in my proximity. She knew my disappointment without me telling her. I don't think Jesse and I ever talked about it.
(at one point she was guilty for having an affair with Doug. I didn't care. I didn't blame her, and I only felt a small tinge of jealousy. I knew that was a fling).
So much of our life is unsaid, until later.
When I met him, I was probably 15 years old. I don't know why I liked him, but the attraction was automatic. He was not typically beautiful, and I suppose neither was I. He was tall, and he smiled at me, but that wasn't quite it. Just my heart seized up. I don't remember any real flirting, or even words, just feelings.
I can see the room I was in, feel his proximity to me in my memory. I wanted to be close to him. There was a mutual curiosity between us, an interest. Whose idea was it to take a walk in the woods? I'm not sure, but I'd at that point become a walker in my spare time. I had begun to love the woods of Pennsylvania, and any time in them. Emily was with us, maybe also Miki. Perhaps Marty. Somehow Doug and I ended up alone. I can't remember how, had he said something about an overlook? I don't remember hands touching, just the looking, then the kiss.
The rest of the story is a collection of reaching out and letting go. He was at Pitt. I was in Indiana. Did I see him so rarely because he was living so far away? When I saw him, there was always a dance and a question. Would we be alone that night?
He told me recently of the days his heart broke, but I don't think I told him of mine. We were at his apartment in Oakland. We, the crowd, us. Justin, probably, Jesse, my best friend, Emily, Miki, who else? Hal? Dan? It was a group. I do not know who else was there, I just remember we were all waiting for Lisa. Doug wanted us all to meet Lisa. She was late, coming from a movie with friends.
This day was more vivid for me.
She wore a long white button down shirt, sheer material, blouse like, but not see through. Or was it one of his blue shirts? Memory is unreliable. She had it on over jeans. Her hair was dark, shiney, around shoulder length. It was very neat. Everything about her was neat and clean. She was pretty. Really pretty. And she was his.
Did it take my breath away? He was taken again, but this time, it was real. There were introductions. She was scared. Her face turned away a lot.
It did hit me. Disappointment. Hiding. I distanced myself, there was beer, I'm sure. Cigarettes, me being silly. Jesse knew and came to my side. She continued her conversations, but stayed close to me, in my proximity. She knew my disappointment without me telling her. I don't think Jesse and I ever talked about it.
(at one point she was guilty for having an affair with Doug. I didn't care. I didn't blame her, and I only felt a small tinge of jealousy. I knew that was a fling).
So much of our life is unsaid, until later.