Nobody is reading me. I am reading me.
I think I figured out what is missing from my marriage. My husband has no contemplative endeavor. He and his family do not sit with their pain. They compress their pain and hide it under lock and key, then never look at it again. In this way, they are not able to understand me, the way that my ex was.
I always saw my ex as a cheerful person, full of life and vitality. He jumps right in, is expansive and has integrity. He marvels and captures life's best, while maintaining his sanity for the most part. I do not think I saw his darkness. The full range of emotions for me is important. I have such joy for experience. I like to push myself. I like to be thrilled. I like to be scared. I like to jump off cliffs.
Jg and I were able to sync in a way that my husband and I do not. My depression was very disruptive to our relationship; I now think it was a pity that we did not try harder to find me the proper medical help. I remember going to the county mental hospital, and them telling me I had to admit myself to get help. That was a dark place, full of sadness. I did not willingly want to go into it.
So my depression went untreated.
For me, the darkness takes up between 25 and 70 percent of life. It does vary. But life is full of questioning, speculation, introspection. I see where Jg and I were able to connect was not only in joy but also in sadness. What I did not recognize possibly is that he does have quite a bit of loss in his life, and that he too has been unsure of how to deal with what life has thrown at him. And that those shared experiences of sorrow and joy combined to make our union so succinct.
In my marriage, I am very alone. I am compressed. The loneliness is like water, soaking into cracks, spilling downward. I have been forced into a cave under the sea, where I reside alone. I hold my breath, and wait to swim back to the surface.
I always saw my ex as a cheerful person, full of life and vitality. He jumps right in, is expansive and has integrity. He marvels and captures life's best, while maintaining his sanity for the most part. I do not think I saw his darkness. The full range of emotions for me is important. I have such joy for experience. I like to push myself. I like to be thrilled. I like to be scared. I like to jump off cliffs.
Jg and I were able to sync in a way that my husband and I do not. My depression was very disruptive to our relationship; I now think it was a pity that we did not try harder to find me the proper medical help. I remember going to the county mental hospital, and them telling me I had to admit myself to get help. That was a dark place, full of sadness. I did not willingly want to go into it.
So my depression went untreated.
For me, the darkness takes up between 25 and 70 percent of life. It does vary. But life is full of questioning, speculation, introspection. I see where Jg and I were able to connect was not only in joy but also in sadness. What I did not recognize possibly is that he does have quite a bit of loss in his life, and that he too has been unsure of how to deal with what life has thrown at him. And that those shared experiences of sorrow and joy combined to make our union so succinct.
In my marriage, I am very alone. I am compressed. The loneliness is like water, soaking into cracks, spilling downward. I have been forced into a cave under the sea, where I reside alone. I hold my breath, and wait to swim back to the surface.