I am not a professional editor, so I'm letting you know that my comments are simply that - the impressions of a reader about your work.
You really packed a lot into this story. First of all, you hooked me in. I definitely wanted to discover what happens to the characters. And you have very vivid descriptions that clearly enable the reader to picture the scene and action. I also like the way you write dialogue - it's very natural and flows well within the narrative.
The only suggestion I have about your story is purely a personal viewpoint. I felt that the use of a vampire as the hotel clerk detracted some from the story. I understand why you included it as far as the story's theme goes, but it just felt "out of place" to me. That's it. Otherwise, you have a very engaging and well-written story here.
THANK you for making me not the only one thinking this week's entries seemed rushed! I'm not saying they lacked in quality in the writing itself, (there were some terrific pieces) but considering this was the finals week, I thought it was anticlimactic as hell. And I felt the same way about selkie_queen's entry - it really stood out to me as magnificent, which is why I wasn't merely rooting for it to win; to me it was a foregone conclusion. ("Arsenal without a chance?" "No, it's just that the world is going to end." Hullo, Ford Prefect my love! Where did you suddenly come from? Haven't swooned over your awesomeness in ages. *giggles*)
Now, about your pieces of advice (which I'm incredibly grateful for because they provide the distance a writer doesn't instantly have from their writing) You might be right about the spacing. I never really get the idea of putting paragraphs in situations other than a perspective change, a flashback, a location change or anything of the kind, since a story is one continuous thing, but putting a few
( ... )
""Is the room satisfactory?" He almost would've burst into laughter. How am I to answer that question, with a completely naked and strange woman suddenly appearing in the bathroom? She happens to be sporting a fish tail, too, did I mention it yet?"
That made me laugh so hard.
I loved the ending, comparing fantastical creatures to chameleons. This story was funny, crazy, unique....wow, everything.
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You really packed a lot into this story. First of all, you hooked me in. I definitely wanted to discover what happens to the characters. And you have very vivid descriptions that clearly enable the reader to picture the scene and action. I also like the way you write dialogue - it's very natural and flows well within the narrative.
The only suggestion I have about your story is purely a personal viewpoint. I felt that the use of a vampire as the hotel clerk detracted some from the story. I understand why you included it as far as the story's theme goes, but it just felt "out of place" to me. That's it. Otherwise, you have a very engaging and well-written story here.
Reply
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("Arsenal without a chance?" "No, it's just that the world is going to end." Hullo, Ford Prefect my love! Where did you suddenly come from? Haven't swooned over your awesomeness in ages. *giggles*)
Now, about your pieces of advice (which I'm incredibly grateful for because they provide the distance a writer doesn't instantly have from their writing) You might be right about the spacing. I never really get the idea of putting paragraphs in situations other than a perspective change, a flashback, a location change or anything of the kind, since a story is one continuous thing, but putting a few ( ... )
Reply
He almost would've burst into laughter. How am I to answer that question, with a completely naked and strange woman suddenly appearing in the bathroom? She happens to be sporting a fish tail, too, did I mention it yet?"
That made me laugh so hard.
I loved the ending, comparing fantastical creatures to chameleons. This story was funny, crazy, unique....wow, everything.
I loved Tess. She was hilarious.
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