Picture Un-Perfect
Devin gave up [DAY 10]. Well, that's what I think but I guess he would just count it talking to me. If I really analyze it, he actually talked to me on [DAY 8]. He took Marina's phone and called me. I was in the pool when he called so I never picked up. Kind of sad because somewhere in my head, I wonder what would have happened if I had picked up at that time.But I didn't. Devin has become a problem. Not like a big problem! No, he's cool I guess. He's a guy and I like guys. Okay, that totally made me sound like a major slut. Well, Devin is Devin. I can't help if he acts like a douche and is cocky, which he totally is. I guess even though he's an idiot, he's my idiot.
Actually, he really is my idiot. I know this sounds really mean but he kind of is. I decided to do an experiment with him (not lab rat kind of thing but just seeing if he was predictable). Well, I decided to see if he only talked to me after ten days. I think somewhere in his head he says 'wait, why isn't she talking to me anymore?' That's why he talks and that's why I get irritated. So, my hypothesis, I think that's what it is, was that Devin finds me amusing and when he doesn't see that I'm talking to him after a few days, he feels like he has to talk to me because, well, he's confused on why I'm not. Because I'm a talker who doesn't shut up. So, I was going to not talk to him and wait for him to talk to me again and see how long it would take me. And, experiment was a success! Turns out, on [DAY 10], at about eleven at night, he decides to talk to me. So, yes, I feel a bit happy about Devin being my cute stupid idiot.
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Even though I go to an all-girls school, I am not going to be totally boy deprived. I have gotten signed up for crew by my mother. You know, the "rowing by rich people sport" so says someone's parent. I won't mention the parent because, well, I feel bad enough as it is that the parent told that to me. Actually, even though I haven't done much for crew, I enjoy it. No, correct that, I enjoy seeing the guys there. Sure there are girls but I've had enough girls as it is. It's just amazing for me to see guys now. Crew has only been about three days but already some guys have caught my attention.
There's Josh, the stupid ass who makes a fool out of himself but doesn't care. He's younger than me by about one and a half to two years and he basically doesn't care what he says. I doubt he even realizes what comes out of his mouth. All of it sounds quite foolish and it makes you wonder what he's doing. You know, whether he's doing drugs and losing some brain cells because he's obviously not clever enough to keep some things private.
There's also Anthony who I believe is my age. He's kind of friends with Josh but not that close. He's cute but not that cute; he's humorous which catches my attention.
Then, there's Tylerr who doesn't seem like much really but for some reason I think he's going to do something that's going to make me remember him for a long time. I don't know why yet, though.
And last but hell of course not least is Evan. Evan is, in one word, dazzling. I guess that's a really bad word for a guy but hey, I call it like I see it. To me, he's mysterious because he barely talks but he looks friendly. It doesn't hurt that he's got a nice figure. And basically, I want him to be single. I know it sounds so selfish of me but I so badly want him to be a good guy.
I also so badly want him to be interested in me. I know, I know, I shouldn't like a guy this quickly. I mean, I think Tylerr caught me drooling while Evan was doing the work out drill game thing. Well, cause when I turned around, Tylerr gave me this weird look but went back to doing the work out drill game thing as well. Because of lightning and thunder, classes were cancelled today and we don't have classes tomorrow. That means I have to wait till Monday. I have never so badly wanted a Monday to come around as I do right now. Jeez, wow, I have gotten quite desperate....
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I am currently in a fight with Marina. I think Brian is a dickhead who basically worships Marina's ground. I guess I should explain why I have ill intentions towards both of them, especially Marina. Well, I mean, I love(d) Marina and I think of her as my best friend sort of. She's always been there for me and I like the fact that I could tell her anything knowing nothing bad was going to happen. I knew she was a friend and even when she couldn't hang out with me, she made it clear that she still was a good friend. But lately, Marina's not that way. I'm kind of glad she's off in China right now because I don't want to talk to her.
I don't want to tell her how she's hurt my feelings so bad. I don't want to tell her that I think she's drifted away from me, even though she says she hasn't. I also would hate to tell her that she's starting to become a horrible friend by telling all her public school friends about my private life, especially anything I say or do that has to do with Devin. I would hate to tell her how she's been lousy friends with me and how she seems to laugh everything off so casually when I want to discuss why she's being a bitch to me. (Not a be-otch, a bitch) I also can't tell her how she's totally a liar and how she breaks her promises. Like how she said she would hang out with me before she left for China for two months and promised that she would ask her dad. I know her dad makes her schedule a week in advance to do anything fun (what kind of FUCKING parent does that?!) and only one activity and I told her that she should ask her dad. And when it was the day before we were supposed to hang out, she canceled on me to hang out with her friends who she hangs out with every week. It doesn't matter that I haven't hung out with her for at least three months without shoving my way in there. It's like I'm fighting for her attention....How sad is that?
The thing is, she's acting like someone else. I don't know this person, I really don't. Did you know she actually told me I wasn't really Chinese. At the time, it didn't really bother me. But, it just gets me frustrated that she thinks she knows me when she hasn't hung out with me at all. What could she possibly know about me?! And it was with Devin and other people too. She would shove people onto me, expecting me to handle myself well. I can't.
I don't look or act fragile but I get scared so easily of people. I can't tell you how much I hate going out in public without a friend. I absolutely hate it when people stare at me and just with one look, expect to know me. It scares the hell out of me. I think the one thing I could never tell her is that she made me feel like I was an appointment. If she could find a good time for me, maybe she would come. It mattered on how that day was going to be for her. I didn't matter. 'I'm studying.' 'I'm doing laundry.' 'I can't talk right now; I'll call you back.' Too bad she never called back. It got somewhat sad after a while, me waiting for her just to give me a hi.
And I snapped the day before she left. I wanted her to celebrate my birthday. When she got back from China, I told her, I wanted her to celebrate my birthday with me. I instantly felt like crying when she said she wasn't sure if she was going to be back. I started to choke on tears but asked when she was coming back. She had replied August 9th, one day before my birthday. I was actually happy and said she of course could make it. Then, she said the first harsh thing. "I don't know if I can! I might have jet-lag..." Jet-lag....Of all the things she could think of as an excuse, she came up with jet-lag. Amelia comes to damn school after she's been to Africa or South America. Straight back to school, not caring about jet-lag. This was my birthday and my so-called best friend came up with the excuse of jet-lag. I got tired of it. Fed up with listening. I told her that it wasn't fair. I started arguing with her and then somewhere in the fight, she said it. "You can't just change one thing overnight you know, T. It doesn't work like that!" What the fuck was that supposed to mean?! Was I supposed to go 'Oh, I'm sorry. I guess we should hang out later when jet-lag doesn't suck for you!' Hell no! She had canceled plans that I had told her to confirm with her dad a week in advance and she had dropped my plans on the DAY before just to hang out with her friends who she saw everday at her school, one who was going with her to China. SHE WAS TELLING ME THAT STUPID PHRASE?! I don't really remember but I eventually stopped listening to her and told her I was hanging up. I didn't want to talk to her when she kept on trying to spoon feed me bullshit.
Brian is Marina's follower. I won't even talk about what he's done but he's just stupid. He basically follows Marina around and hasn't got a life besides following her in my opinion. He likes another girl but he hasn't got her at all. He's been in love with her for TWO YEARS and he hasn't given up. At first, I thought it was quite sweet. After a while, I got sick of it and him. To me, Brian became nothing more than Marina's drone who would follow her to Hell if that meant he could still hang out with her. I can't tell him anything without knowing that Marina's going to know the next day about what I told him.
He had the guts to call me self-centered. He also had the guts to call me shallow. Yeah, so what if I am both of those things! SO WHAT?! You haven't gotten the girl you've wanted since forever. You tell me I'm not trying hard enough when someone tries to set me up? At least someone actually set me up. Too bad you haven't even gotten together with your lover. Just too bad. Sure I'm shallow. I'm a self-centered person. Yeah, cause if I'm trying to make sure that Veronica isn't going to date a douche from your school and I'm trying to find out what kind of guy he is, you should have the guts to call me self-centered. Yeah, I'm using you. Of course I am. What have you ever said to me that's nice? Nothing, buddy. You follow Marina around; at least I can stand my own ground. I may not do a very good job but hell, at least I'm trying!
She left. She's gone. Not Marina, although she is gone. She's gone. And somehow, I feel like crying really hard because I know I've lost a good friend in my state.
"Let's play bear maul!"
"What the heck is that?!"
"It's where we all go into a room, turn off the lights, and we all maul each other!"