addiction to fiction, give me some of that vision
I haven't been this unhappy since I went crazy in tenth grade and had to either be pulled out of school or institutionalized. I'm fucking drowning, and for the first time I can't find poetry in anything. I've lived my whole life screaming "death to apathy, I am a child of the passions, I was born in the month of revolution!" and now it's come to this.
I don't even know why I'm writing this here; I treat livejournal with a certain amount of contempt, except that it is one of my only windows to those far away from me. I'm embarassed but I don't know what else to do.
I've completely lost confidence in myself, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever had any in the first place. I hate everything I do, everything I say...I can't write papers or fucking go to class and I'm not creating, I'm not writing, I'm not making art, I'm not even sewing and it's killing me slowly. I am so disappointed in myself that I am paralyzed with fear of the future...I don't want to work in retail forever but I'm not fucking worth anything else.
I can't talk to anyone because everyone else is disappointed in me too, or they would be if I could talk, but I clam up, I'm not doing the people who care about me justice, and I don't deserve their loyalty or love. I'm not interesting. I'm not fun. I used to be a good student! Learning has always been all I've cared about and now...getting out of bed is too much of a challenge.
I can feel that old insanity rising up again and I'm terrified...I don't want to be that person again, huddled in a corner, afraid of my best friends and my parents. I thought I had overcome this, I thought I was past it, but now I am afraid that it's always there, waiting for me to give in.
I've regressed, I'm secretive again, but it isn't on purpose. I want to be able to talk, I just can't stop punishing myself. "emily, what's wrong?" "nothing". What is that? Why can't I trust anyone, why can't I find the right words? "hey miss, you dropped your smile" "nah, I threw it away".
New Orleans. Sudden migraines and brain problems. A job I hate. Losing Austin the city, and then Austin the boy, and I can't cope, I still can't and I don't know why. I lost one of my best friends over the summer, even though he was in the next room or just down the hall. I'm dangerously close to failing a class for the first time in my life. I've been so sick. If I wasn't so upset about it I would think I had finally given in to apathy. I don't trust myself to do anything.
My friends here shouldn't have to deal with me. I don't want to deal with me.
I wish that there was more to life than this. My friends get drunk and laugh and stay up all night, and I go to sleep in my room because I have to concentrate in order to laugh. I don't want anyone to have to worry about me, to feel like they have to help me, because they can't. If I'm going to survive, I have to do this myself. I just don't think I have the strength.
This is long, but that's good because then everyone will just scroll past it. I shouldn't be dumping this on you, I just can't keep it inside anymore.
I wish I had a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand and show me what to do...I wish that I felt like I could do something without needing someone to hold my hand.
I was so happy last year. I have amazing friends, and I'm in love. At 18 years old, that should be enough. I should be happy. Right now I just feel like I'm depending on everyone else's kindness while I can't do anything for them or myself. I feel so completely worthless.
I am a lucky, priveledged girl. I try to be grateful. I just hate myself lately.
Maybe now, after pouring it all out, maybe I can get past this. I need to get my shit together. I need to be organized. I need to remember that I am happiest after working hard on something that matters to me, and school matters to me so much.
I'm sorry, to everyone I've hurt, to everyone who has tried to help me. I'm sorry to myself, for being too much of a coward to be a credit to those that raised me.
I know it will all be okay. I'm not saying it won't be. I just needed to explain it, to myself and to everyone who deserves an explanation for my erratic behavior.
shake yourself, girl, and don't give up. don't die of disappointment. don't break your own heart.
I just feel lost.
"she's lost control again, she's lost control"
I'm sorry.
I don't even know why I'm writing this here; I treat livejournal with a certain amount of contempt, except that it is one of my only windows to those far away from me. I'm embarassed but I don't know what else to do.
I've completely lost confidence in myself, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever had any in the first place. I hate everything I do, everything I say...I can't write papers or fucking go to class and I'm not creating, I'm not writing, I'm not making art, I'm not even sewing and it's killing me slowly. I am so disappointed in myself that I am paralyzed with fear of the future...I don't want to work in retail forever but I'm not fucking worth anything else.
I can't talk to anyone because everyone else is disappointed in me too, or they would be if I could talk, but I clam up, I'm not doing the people who care about me justice, and I don't deserve their loyalty or love. I'm not interesting. I'm not fun. I used to be a good student! Learning has always been all I've cared about and now...getting out of bed is too much of a challenge.
I can feel that old insanity rising up again and I'm terrified...I don't want to be that person again, huddled in a corner, afraid of my best friends and my parents. I thought I had overcome this, I thought I was past it, but now I am afraid that it's always there, waiting for me to give in.
I've regressed, I'm secretive again, but it isn't on purpose. I want to be able to talk, I just can't stop punishing myself. "emily, what's wrong?" "nothing". What is that? Why can't I trust anyone, why can't I find the right words? "hey miss, you dropped your smile" "nah, I threw it away".
New Orleans. Sudden migraines and brain problems. A job I hate. Losing Austin the city, and then Austin the boy, and I can't cope, I still can't and I don't know why. I lost one of my best friends over the summer, even though he was in the next room or just down the hall. I'm dangerously close to failing a class for the first time in my life. I've been so sick. If I wasn't so upset about it I would think I had finally given in to apathy. I don't trust myself to do anything.
My friends here shouldn't have to deal with me. I don't want to deal with me.
I wish that there was more to life than this. My friends get drunk and laugh and stay up all night, and I go to sleep in my room because I have to concentrate in order to laugh. I don't want anyone to have to worry about me, to feel like they have to help me, because they can't. If I'm going to survive, I have to do this myself. I just don't think I have the strength.
This is long, but that's good because then everyone will just scroll past it. I shouldn't be dumping this on you, I just can't keep it inside anymore.
I wish I had a fairy godmother to wave a magic wand and show me what to do...I wish that I felt like I could do something without needing someone to hold my hand.
I was so happy last year. I have amazing friends, and I'm in love. At 18 years old, that should be enough. I should be happy. Right now I just feel like I'm depending on everyone else's kindness while I can't do anything for them or myself. I feel so completely worthless.
I am a lucky, priveledged girl. I try to be grateful. I just hate myself lately.
Maybe now, after pouring it all out, maybe I can get past this. I need to get my shit together. I need to be organized. I need to remember that I am happiest after working hard on something that matters to me, and school matters to me so much.
I'm sorry, to everyone I've hurt, to everyone who has tried to help me. I'm sorry to myself, for being too much of a coward to be a credit to those that raised me.
I know it will all be okay. I'm not saying it won't be. I just needed to explain it, to myself and to everyone who deserves an explanation for my erratic behavior.
shake yourself, girl, and don't give up. don't die of disappointment. don't break your own heart.
I just feel lost.
"she's lost control again, she's lost control"
I'm sorry.