that girls falling apart
i guess it's been awhile. hmm.
girls night fell apart, as well as a few other things. but it's over. and no, i don't ever want to talk about it again.
the past couple days have just been a couple of days.
sunday, we went out to breakfast, and i hung out with dave. i ate dinner with his family and the neighbors for fathers day. we got daves dad golf balls, he told me thats what he usually gets his dad, and a card with a monkey on it. i don't know, fathers day kind of tore me apart. because i wanted to spend fathers day with my dad, and my family, and our neighbors. i sent my dad a card, and a little stuffed animal that says "somebody from pasadena loves you" behind my moms back. just because she doesn't like my dad, doesn't mean i don't have to not like him. i called to say happy fathers day, but he wasn't home, and now whenever i talk to him, i just cry afterwards. i miss the way things were so much.
monday, i didn't feel well at all. my tummy hurt. i went and hung out with dave, and napped periodically throughout the day. brian hardy came over, him and dave "jammed". it didn't bother me. but when josh and jon came over and they all "jammed" again, i felt left out. then tom came over, and, well, they "jammed" again. i didn't feel well and all i planned on doing was laying around the house with dave. i just wanted his attention, and maybe for him to act like he cared. these are the times when i feel inferior to his drums and his guitar and the band. i don't hate the band, i like the band, their really good. it's just, i don't know. we talked about it, and it didn't turn into an argument. we visited joe severe, we being me tom dave and josh. and then i went home, because i didn't feel like sleeping on a beach.
i woke up the next morning around 8, and walked with dave to go get his senior pictures taken. it's hard to believe that he's going to be graduating next year. but, he looked cute. we came home, britt came over, and sunday morning practiced. mike called, and said ballroom breakdown needed some pictures taken, so me and britt went and did that. it was alot of fun, we went to matts house, and got in the boat and kayak and made our way over to the other side of the river. me and b had problems with the kayak, but we beat the boys on the way back, what now?!% the new tom is really nice. britt fell, got some more scratches, and then we went home.
we headed back to daves, hung out for an hour, and then he went to work at the restaurant. me and britt came back to my house, tried to go swimming, and eventually just went out to buy her a digital camera. we got her camera and ended up at starbucks, to hang out with leah, dave, and kristen. it was fun. nick showed up, and we went home with him. we stopped by daves, and then came back to my house. everyone left at 12 and me and britt watched not another teen movie, and fell asleep.
if you haven't already guessed, i hung out with dave today. i tried to get him to watch how to deal with me, but he wasn't going for it. so, instead, i got him completely naked, and ran around with his clothes, while he begged me to give them back. it was fun. tom came over, i thought he was mad at me, but now i don't know, he was really nice to me. i wish i knew what was going on with him, i don't know what i did to make him mad or upset with me, but oh well. dave walked me halfway home, becuase the save me the waltz kids never called. my mom saw me, stopped, and drove me home. and then proceeded to yell at me, and tell me how much of a loser i am, and how i need to get a job because shes done with me.
it really made me upset.
alot of things have been making me upset. i just want last summer to come back. when i didn't have a care in the world except for, "i wonder what i should wear today". everyday seemed to be fun and exciting and no one cared if i had a job, or if people were constantly in and out of our house. i had my best friend with me all the time. and two stupid boys for us to laugh at all the time.
i miss that. i miss megan, even though shes right down the street. i miss drew, i never see him anymore. and what happened to chad? i dont know. and why do i have to grow up now? and not next year? and why can't i have my dad with me just like everyone else? why has the summer been the same thing everyday? why am i such a loser?
i hate this, i hate being 15, i hate being stuck in some time in your life where you never know if something is wrong or right, bad or good, black or white, or whatever else. i hate that half of me just wants to go back to days where growing up was just something to laugh at, and no one cared how you wasted your summer days. i hate how the other half just wants to grow up. and all i ever think about is, wow i should be driving soon, and im going to get a job, and all of my friends are graduating soon. and everything right now is just so ridiculously and udderly confusing.
i hate it, i hate everything.