Bottom Dweller
I read my journal from 10 years ago...and now I'm OBSESSED. I went through my old myspace pictures.....I'm thinking about turning on my old laptop and looking through those pictures...I tried to read my old xanga account (which I kinda can but can't...it's weird). I'm thinking about how I used to be (skinny and afraid) instead of who I am now (...not sure)
I'm wanting to talk to people from my past. Why? What good will it do? Absolutely nothing. In fact, it could do more harm than good so it's better to stay away.
But for some reason I'm stuck looking in my rearview mirror and wanting to turn around. I'm like staring at what's behind me and wanting to be surrounded by it as much as possible. What's up with that? Put that on the therapy list.
I have a theory: I feel stuck in everything I'm doing. Work (doing NOTHING most of the time), Tim (STILL just a girlfriend...does he love me?), where I live (been living here for 4 years...HATE the fact that I'm living with someone's parents after I've lived on my own for a few years). So by looking back and getting involved in my past, in a way, kindof moves things forward. If I keep talking to people from my past, I might lose the people from my present. And that would be horrible, but at least it would bring change. Isn't that sad? Pathetic? I don't know what I can do to make things move forward without ruining people's lives.
Or is that that I just really want to go back in time to my senior year in high school and do everything differently? I'm 27 and sometimes I feel like most of my life was a waste and that there's more wasteful years ahead. That I'll be living in that madhouse for 4 more years. I'll be a girlfriend for 5 more years. I'll be an administrative Assistant for 2 more years.
It sounds like I don't love Tim. I do. I do love Tim. I would die for Tim. But by living in that house and being stuck, I feel trapped. It's hard to explain. Nobody here to judge me so I'll just leave it at that. I don't have to explain to anyone.
There's my brain for ya.
I'm wanting to talk to people from my past. Why? What good will it do? Absolutely nothing. In fact, it could do more harm than good so it's better to stay away.
But for some reason I'm stuck looking in my rearview mirror and wanting to turn around. I'm like staring at what's behind me and wanting to be surrounded by it as much as possible. What's up with that? Put that on the therapy list.
I have a theory: I feel stuck in everything I'm doing. Work (doing NOTHING most of the time), Tim (STILL just a girlfriend...does he love me?), where I live (been living here for 4 years...HATE the fact that I'm living with someone's parents after I've lived on my own for a few years). So by looking back and getting involved in my past, in a way, kindof moves things forward. If I keep talking to people from my past, I might lose the people from my present. And that would be horrible, but at least it would bring change. Isn't that sad? Pathetic? I don't know what I can do to make things move forward without ruining people's lives.
Or is that that I just really want to go back in time to my senior year in high school and do everything differently? I'm 27 and sometimes I feel like most of my life was a waste and that there's more wasteful years ahead. That I'll be living in that madhouse for 4 more years. I'll be a girlfriend for 5 more years. I'll be an administrative Assistant for 2 more years.
It sounds like I don't love Tim. I do. I do love Tim. I would die for Tim. But by living in that house and being stuck, I feel trapped. It's hard to explain. Nobody here to judge me so I'll just leave it at that. I don't have to explain to anyone.
There's my brain for ya.