Back to square one.
I don't normally post rants or whatever you call them, bitching about whats going on in my life because I'm not like that and i dont like those people who do post those/these types of things everyday out for attention. But right now i just need to vent because if i don't i swear to who ever will listen i'll fucking blowup!
So here it is, just me bitching about whats fucked my day up, my life up more really.
My mother.
Now I'm an easy going person, i don't care whats going on in the world around me and honestly don't give a shit about whether or not the worlds going to hell in a hand basket because lets all be honest, we did this to ourselves.
I'm not a materialistic being, and can truthfully tell you i dont care for money and have no need for it. I'm happy without money!
I'm 19 in two days and don't have a job but i'm bloody fine with that, IM HAPPY I DONT HAVE A JOB! Jobs stress people out and i can honestly say that this time last year if i'd of had the stress of a job i would have killed myself because i wasn't in the right place.
I've been suffering manic depression for about 6 years and i couldn't/can't speak up about it to family because no one gave/gives a shit about me. And i'm not just saying that because i feel "unloved" and dont have the attention of everyone in the world, its the simple truth, no one in my family cares about me and its apparent in the fact that when i swallowed a 24 pack of Nurofen(painkillers) and hacked my arm up with a razor i stole from the art department and almost died, no one cared. And no one even noticed. If it wasnt for the fact i passed out from the pills, i'd be dead right now.
The only thing that keeps me sane, and im dead serious, is Supernatural. And fuck it was hard getting by when it went on hiatus. Or when its the end of season. Thank god i saved enough and got the box set or else i cant see me lasting much longer. Supernatural saved my life :) And even though its only on one night a week, it's just enough to keep me kicking and breathing a little longer. I owe everything to those guys.
Jensen and Jay are honestly my life saviors, and although i dont know them and they dont even know i exist, watching them bring my favorite on screen brothers to life is enough, they saved me and i wish i could tell them. :)
I dont like who i am, i dont like anything about myself. In fact i hate everything about me, really fucking hate it!
I hate shopping, i hate clothing and i hate the two put together because of the stress that it brings with it.
I dont clothes shop for the simple fact that A)Nothing decent fits and B)My mother insists on insulting me by bringing in teeny tiny little PINK things with frills and sparkles and telling me to try them on. I HATE PINK! I HATE FRILLS! AND I FUCKING HATE SPARKLES! Clothe shopping makes me more depressed then i already am and having just gone shopping for clothes because of my mother, i found my self sobbing on the change room floor because of how fucking fat and hideous i actually am.
Dont you just hate changerooms with those stupid mirriors on all the walls so that no matter where you look you see EVERY imperfection in your body? I sure do. And as if that wasn't enough, it's my fault i hate everything about how i look, its my fault i have bad fucking genes and its my fault my own family constantly insults me about how i look and then bitches when i tell them to simple shut the fuck up.
And i fucking hate nosy changeroom worker people who think its their god given right to come into the change room and pick your clothes for you and to tell you you look great when you look like a fucking spud fresh out of the muddy ground. WTF is up with that?
But the main thing thats landed me right where i was last year, is the fact my "mother" thought it would be a great fucking idea to go behind my back and get me a job interview for a housekeeper job. A FUCKING HOUSE KEEPER! FUCK! I dont even make my own bed and yet shes pushing me into a job where i have to get up at 5 in the fucking morning and go and make beds for some fuckers who see fit to fucking want the room! What fucking part of I DONT WANT A FUCKING JOB doesnt she understand? For fuck sake its not that difficult to understand!
I always thought i'd never see my 25th birthday. now i dont see me making 21.
I suppose i should probably let it known that im anti-social and suffer from Anthropophobia, for those of you who dont know what that is, its the fear of people/society. Understand why i dont want a job now?
But no thats not fucking true, i want a job, just not a job where i have to SLAVE over other people who wont appreciate a thing i do. I HAVE A JOB! I'm the fucking co-editor of Wicked Things Mag and i wouldn't have that if it weren't for my amazing BFF Emily.(LJ=Deamsgirl) We're working on getting that up and running so go check it out :D
But apparently wanting a job i like and working a job i like isn't fucking enough for my mother because she thinks im being fucking stupid working over the net. I bet she'd take me more seriously if i were to get rich from it, or god for bid shed take notice if i actually did die because of the crap shes putting me through, correction put me through my whole fucking life. But even then i doubt she'd notice or care, in fact she'd be relieved.
I dont ask her for anything, i dont even expect her to love me like a mother should but isn't it horrible that a mother doesnt even notice when her own daughter wants to die? When she wont eat because shes insulted for it when she does? And yes i dont eat, im anorexic, not that you'd notice because im fucking fat!
Doesnt anyone out there know what its like to have nothing at all? And im not talking homeless and all that, im talking about not having parents who notice your actually their child or siblings that actually treat you like siblings and for havens sake love. Because i dont and when i honestly think i've found it, its snatched away from me like a knife in the hands of a toddler whose about to stab it into the toaster.
I dont care if no one notices me, i've lived with that my whole life im used to it, but for gods sake, stop trying to force me into a world that wants nothing to do with me. A world thats done nothing but fuck me over and shoved me out telling me im not good enough.
Because i'm not, im not good enough and i never will be.
Well none of this makes any sense and ive probably just made a fucking idiot out of myself but whatever.
End of rant.
So here it is, just me bitching about whats fucked my day up, my life up more really.
My mother.
Now I'm an easy going person, i don't care whats going on in the world around me and honestly don't give a shit about whether or not the worlds going to hell in a hand basket because lets all be honest, we did this to ourselves.
I'm not a materialistic being, and can truthfully tell you i dont care for money and have no need for it. I'm happy without money!
I'm 19 in two days and don't have a job but i'm bloody fine with that, IM HAPPY I DONT HAVE A JOB! Jobs stress people out and i can honestly say that this time last year if i'd of had the stress of a job i would have killed myself because i wasn't in the right place.
I've been suffering manic depression for about 6 years and i couldn't/can't speak up about it to family because no one gave/gives a shit about me. And i'm not just saying that because i feel "unloved" and dont have the attention of everyone in the world, its the simple truth, no one in my family cares about me and its apparent in the fact that when i swallowed a 24 pack of Nurofen(painkillers) and hacked my arm up with a razor i stole from the art department and almost died, no one cared. And no one even noticed. If it wasnt for the fact i passed out from the pills, i'd be dead right now.
The only thing that keeps me sane, and im dead serious, is Supernatural. And fuck it was hard getting by when it went on hiatus. Or when its the end of season. Thank god i saved enough and got the box set or else i cant see me lasting much longer. Supernatural saved my life :) And even though its only on one night a week, it's just enough to keep me kicking and breathing a little longer. I owe everything to those guys.
Jensen and Jay are honestly my life saviors, and although i dont know them and they dont even know i exist, watching them bring my favorite on screen brothers to life is enough, they saved me and i wish i could tell them. :)
I dont like who i am, i dont like anything about myself. In fact i hate everything about me, really fucking hate it!
I hate shopping, i hate clothing and i hate the two put together because of the stress that it brings with it.
I dont clothes shop for the simple fact that A)Nothing decent fits and B)My mother insists on insulting me by bringing in teeny tiny little PINK things with frills and sparkles and telling me to try them on. I HATE PINK! I HATE FRILLS! AND I FUCKING HATE SPARKLES! Clothe shopping makes me more depressed then i already am and having just gone shopping for clothes because of my mother, i found my self sobbing on the change room floor because of how fucking fat and hideous i actually am.
Dont you just hate changerooms with those stupid mirriors on all the walls so that no matter where you look you see EVERY imperfection in your body? I sure do. And as if that wasn't enough, it's my fault i hate everything about how i look, its my fault i have bad fucking genes and its my fault my own family constantly insults me about how i look and then bitches when i tell them to simple shut the fuck up.
And i fucking hate nosy changeroom worker people who think its their god given right to come into the change room and pick your clothes for you and to tell you you look great when you look like a fucking spud fresh out of the muddy ground. WTF is up with that?
But the main thing thats landed me right where i was last year, is the fact my "mother" thought it would be a great fucking idea to go behind my back and get me a job interview for a housekeeper job. A FUCKING HOUSE KEEPER! FUCK! I dont even make my own bed and yet shes pushing me into a job where i have to get up at 5 in the fucking morning and go and make beds for some fuckers who see fit to fucking want the room! What fucking part of I DONT WANT A FUCKING JOB doesnt she understand? For fuck sake its not that difficult to understand!
I always thought i'd never see my 25th birthday. now i dont see me making 21.
I suppose i should probably let it known that im anti-social and suffer from Anthropophobia, for those of you who dont know what that is, its the fear of people/society. Understand why i dont want a job now?
But no thats not fucking true, i want a job, just not a job where i have to SLAVE over other people who wont appreciate a thing i do. I HAVE A JOB! I'm the fucking co-editor of Wicked Things Mag and i wouldn't have that if it weren't for my amazing BFF Emily.(LJ=Deamsgirl) We're working on getting that up and running so go check it out :D
But apparently wanting a job i like and working a job i like isn't fucking enough for my mother because she thinks im being fucking stupid working over the net. I bet she'd take me more seriously if i were to get rich from it, or god for bid shed take notice if i actually did die because of the crap shes putting me through, correction put me through my whole fucking life. But even then i doubt she'd notice or care, in fact she'd be relieved.
I dont ask her for anything, i dont even expect her to love me like a mother should but isn't it horrible that a mother doesnt even notice when her own daughter wants to die? When she wont eat because shes insulted for it when she does? And yes i dont eat, im anorexic, not that you'd notice because im fucking fat!
Doesnt anyone out there know what its like to have nothing at all? And im not talking homeless and all that, im talking about not having parents who notice your actually their child or siblings that actually treat you like siblings and for havens sake love. Because i dont and when i honestly think i've found it, its snatched away from me like a knife in the hands of a toddler whose about to stab it into the toaster.
I dont care if no one notices me, i've lived with that my whole life im used to it, but for gods sake, stop trying to force me into a world that wants nothing to do with me. A world thats done nothing but fuck me over and shoved me out telling me im not good enough.
Because i'm not, im not good enough and i never will be.
Well none of this makes any sense and ive probably just made a fucking idiot out of myself but whatever.
End of rant.