I think I'm losing myself.
With all the talk surrounding the Malian man who lost his family in the Bronx fire about a week and a half ago, the story has finally seeped into my subconsciousness. I just had a dream where I met a Malian man and decided to "go on a date" with him to his apartment. First off, I had my usual sideways glance/smirk while looking at him the whole and was keeping a physical distance. I also didn't tell him I was dating someone else (real life). I've noticed that I sometimes have an innate trust of African men and almost give off an air of "Don't Even Try It" when being around them. Because I don't want them to try it. I find African men pushy and rather patriarchal (hint: my absentee father is Nigerian). Unfortunately, I'm sure I look uppity to any of the men on the subway or in the street whom I may encounter, but that is assuming they even want to talk to me. I just tend to look away. And that's an issue. Maybe they don't want to talk to me because I may be symbolic of American excess or they may not find me attractive at all for whatever reason. A lot of Black Americans don't look African, but are just brown with a mix of features. But, I do look distinctly African and people can tell. I can tell someone from my own tribe (Yoruba - Nigeria) just by looking at him or her. To other Africans I may look like a sell out.
Another angle of viewing lies in the rest of the dream. When we exit the elevator and enter his apartment, I notice there are maps of Mali everywhere in there but different types. You know, one that shows the different crops in differing regions. Another shows water bodies. Another had major cities and some of the tribes corresponding to regions, etc. Oddly enough one of the cities on the map was named "Tobagao" which is a Portuguese version of Spanish word for tobacco - Tobago (as in Trinidad & Tobago where my mum originates...interesting). Some maps are old from the 70s with that beautiful hand drawn quality to it. One in particular had the surrounding countries but Mali occupied most of the rectangle. I had assumed from memory that Mali was next to Gabon and Togo but in real life I know that's not true and the map reflected it. Mali is above those countries. Maybe I linked the countries based on them all being Francophone Africa. I don't know, but he was basically going to test me on where Mali was within Africa and sadly I would have failed. I used to know where everything was. It's all fading from memory and it bothers me especially when coupled with an innate distrust of African men.
I miss my mother.
Another angle of viewing lies in the rest of the dream. When we exit the elevator and enter his apartment, I notice there are maps of Mali everywhere in there but different types. You know, one that shows the different crops in differing regions. Another shows water bodies. Another had major cities and some of the tribes corresponding to regions, etc. Oddly enough one of the cities on the map was named "Tobagao" which is a Portuguese version of Spanish word for tobacco - Tobago (as in Trinidad & Tobago where my mum originates...interesting). Some maps are old from the 70s with that beautiful hand drawn quality to it. One in particular had the surrounding countries but Mali occupied most of the rectangle. I had assumed from memory that Mali was next to Gabon and Togo but in real life I know that's not true and the map reflected it. Mali is above those countries. Maybe I linked the countries based on them all being Francophone Africa. I don't know, but he was basically going to test me on where Mali was within Africa and sadly I would have failed. I used to know where everything was. It's all fading from memory and it bothers me especially when coupled with an innate distrust of African men.
I miss my mother.