(no subject)
christmas use to be my favorite holiday. it has changed to be my most dreadful. i love the season & the feeling of it all but when it comes to doing the traditional christmas things with my family, it just makes me so sad. lately ive just been so depressed & crying at every chance that i get. usually at night before i go to bed. i lay there in the dark just thinking about everything thats happened to my family & how much i wish everything could be back to normal.
dear kristopher,
have you ever heard that song by mariah carey "miss you most at christmas time"? it keeps playing in the back of my mind. i remember the last time i got a hug from you. and its been so long. now that its christmas & time to spend with your family & loved ones, i realize that i cant spend it with my brother. i remember up until the last christmas i got to spend with you, the three of us would all stay up late in your room watching tv & talking about what we want from santa (while mama & daddy sneak out into the living room) i remember waking up early in the morning running into mama & daddys room jumping on their bed yelling marry christmas. daddy being first to go into the living room, turn on the christmas tree lights, & play christmas music & say "look! santa left a note"...every year! but somehow it never got old & always seemed to be different. i remember walking out & the 3 of us trying to find the biggest present & trying to guess who it was for... but it never failed. it was always for you. i always remember after opening up our presents, mama daddy & kimberly would all go back to sleep & me & you would stay up & you would play your new playstation 2 game while i sat there on the couch watching you play. all these memories... i cant wait to have them all back one day. next time, we'll have to start other traditions to share with justin. it's going to be so much fun. until then, im here with out my favorite person...my brother. sometimes i wish that none of this could have happened. but then i realize that everything happends for a reason & its changing for the better. when i get sad & miss you a lot, i just remember that everything is in God's hands now & will work out perfectly, just how He wants it to be. I love you & miss you a lot.
-manda ...i miss you most at christmas time