Nightmares
Not sleeping much lately. Between being woken up at un-Godly hours of the night by one of my roommates who seems to think she's the only one living here, the omnipresent nightmares of cancer & dying, & the fear of moving to the city, it's a wonder I'm functioning at all. Oh, and I hate my job. But that's another story. All my restlessness reminds me of a time when I stayed up worrying about a certain someone because he couldn't ever sleep. And that makes me want to figure out how to get sleep that much more. I don't want to stay up. At least this time I'm worrying about myself instead of someone/something else I can't fix. Wow, that was an interesting memory of the past. Enough of that. Back to me.
I just want sleep! And I don't mean a broken night of sleep, interrupted by things beyond my control. I want solid, long nights of sleep. Free from pain & sadness & fear. This is so weird. My life? Not so bad right now. Everything outside of "me" is great.
I seem to be going through the same battle over & over again, but I never win. Maybe it's because I'm the only one fighting on both sides. I'm scared about this whole cancer thing, but I'm being stubborn so I refuse to talk about it. I'm supposed to be getting tests, but I don't want to go because I don't want to hear what they have to say. I want to forget that I don't really have anybody to go through this with. Of course I do. That's silly of me. But I don't want to drag them down w/ me. So I go through my day as if nothing is happening, as if I'm not really a scared little girl. Because that is who I am now. I am strong. Things aren't supposed to get to me. I get through things because there is no alternative. Still...
And NY. I'm getting scared now, though still excited. I do want to go there, I'm just doubting myself. That's what I do. I know I can go up there & make something out of myself. I know I can. Funny how everything comes at you at once. I'm going through this for a reason. I think. I hope.
I just want sleep! And I don't mean a broken night of sleep, interrupted by things beyond my control. I want solid, long nights of sleep. Free from pain & sadness & fear. This is so weird. My life? Not so bad right now. Everything outside of "me" is great.
I seem to be going through the same battle over & over again, but I never win. Maybe it's because I'm the only one fighting on both sides. I'm scared about this whole cancer thing, but I'm being stubborn so I refuse to talk about it. I'm supposed to be getting tests, but I don't want to go because I don't want to hear what they have to say. I want to forget that I don't really have anybody to go through this with. Of course I do. That's silly of me. But I don't want to drag them down w/ me. So I go through my day as if nothing is happening, as if I'm not really a scared little girl. Because that is who I am now. I am strong. Things aren't supposed to get to me. I get through things because there is no alternative. Still...
And NY. I'm getting scared now, though still excited. I do want to go there, I'm just doubting myself. That's what I do. I know I can go up there & make something out of myself. I know I can. Funny how everything comes at you at once. I'm going through this for a reason. I think. I hope.