Until Recently :
I've been troubled by a great many things up until now. Things that I probably could do something about and things that I can't at all and I guess thats what bothers me the most. Either because I won't do things out of fear or lack of courage, lack of self knowledge, or because things happen to me that I have no control over. I'm almost certain that I'm anemic, I've taken no action to correct this. I'm almost certain I'm allergic to gluten (found in wheat, barley, oats, etc.) but have taken no action to avoid foods containing this or really learning about the disease at all. I did the first few days I thought I had it and just realized that everything I can cook or make is gluten related. I am going to learn how to cook from my dad and probably go on something similar to the Atkin's diet to correct this lack of iron and avoid wheaty foods. Namely I'll be eating meat and...more meat.
I'm really sick of being 17. As soon as 18 hits, its on. Right now though I'm trying to avoid doing things to piss of my parents so that I'll still be receiving money for college and food in college from them, and because I like my dad a lot and will probably be moving in with him, and when he gets pissed off, its pretty much the end of the world. However I couldn't really care about my mother's feelings however terrible that may sound because she's honestly the worst person 95% of the time. I don't know that we've ever had an actual or real conversation, I don't know what her favorite color is, etc. Whereas I can actually talk to my dad and my stepmom who is, in fact, a peach. The other day my parents got in a huge fight because of me, and my mother claiming that I didn't do chores that she never told me to do, so unless I could read her mind, I wouldn't have known. I was staying at my father's house and like a good dad he said to her, 'I'm not bringing her home tonight because you're just going to scream at her.' Go dad, go. I've always found refuge in my father's house. I'm unsure how I'll change this. Any given day my mother, father, sister, and grandmother all call me and ask me where I am. JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE PLZ. I'm so fucking sick of this I can't even stand it. NO ONES FAMILY DOES THIS. And my sister will fucking twist everything and try, TRY to get me in trouble. Don't worry about being a bad sibling, because my sister will always be worse. My whole life I've just been sold out by her and she hated me before I was even a fetus. end.
I've been trying to draw more, read more, expand my mind and I will be attending college in the next month or so, I'm retarded in math so I can't exactly take that I guess. But I'm certainly not looking forward to it, I'm so bad at it and the past couple years I've just scooted by by having almost constant tutoring that hasn't sunk in. I feel I'll have a hard time with math in the future unless there is some delightful person who'll explain things to me so I understand. I'm going to start taking more charge of my life, I know I've been and am a pansy when it comes to things, I suppose that its because I don't really know what will happen and I'm afraid of some unknown consequence or being unwanted. Who knows. I'm sick of people caring about me. I'm sick of having expectations to live up to. I'm not stupid, I'm going to do what benefits me and almost nothing else. I want to be satisfied and I want things to be just mine. I want to be able to grow myself and see changes in how and who I am. I want to be my own person without being divided into all these different pieces just trying to please people. So if I piss you off in the next couple of months, sit on it. Because I'm going to be myself and not please other people just so they like me. I'm sick of people pretending to be my friend to my face but actually just don't even care if I exist. (Don't worry, its people from school, not anyone who actually reads this rag.)
I find myself always wanting to change but never having the balls or backbone to go through with it. But. Its starting now and I'm very pleased with myself and my decisions, its been hard going before probably because I had to be so pleasing to everyone around me in high school. Now that college is happening. No one will care who I am, and I don't mean to blame not changing on 'peer pressure.' It isn't that. Its just cowardice of being rejected and having to face it everyday I suppose. Which I shouldn't be afraid of because I don't care about 96% of the people in that school.
I'm really afraid of cops. Jail seems like the worst place for me.
Things I'd like to be :
-Brave. I want to be able to stand up for myself and not afraid of everything.
-A support for people who need it. I want to be a crutch for who's legs are broken by tragedy.
-Someone's sunshine. I want to brighten someone's day just by smiling.
-Adored. I want to be a princess.
-Self-sufficient. I want to be an island and rely on no one.
-Self-medicated. I want to heal myself.
-Solid. I don't want to waffle or waver anymore.
-Free. I don't want to be tied down anymore by obligations or guilt.
-A listener. I want people to know I care.
-Unique. I want to be the only one like me.
-Appreciated. I want to be admired.
These are points. They are not some unachievable goal in the sky.
They will happen. Because I need them to.
Things that will happen on January 10th, 2009:
-Tattoo. More than 1? If I have the money.
-Piercing. More than 1? If I'm into needles that day.
-Trip to Canada. More than a week? Most definitely.
-Time with friends. Without answering to anyone? Darn tootin'.
-Moving out. Period.
I'm making it another point to just get away from this place. To travel. To talk to people I love everyday and never feel far from anyone. I want to make it on my own and be successful. I want to argue with people and win and still be happy after that and content that they are in my life. Recently things have been bogging me down quite a bit and I've got to thinking that I only focus on the negative and right now I'm done hurting about them and pouting. I know things aren't that bad. I know that I don't deserve pity or things like that or even a 'well good for her.' So I won't expect it. (Although I am a big fan of encouragement :D ) I'm going to quit sulking and begin living. Time goes on and passes and I refuse to waste anymore days or heartbeats on the fact that I'm sad. If I'm having a hard time with someone, I'm going to do something I love. I'm going to make myself happy and seek happiness from the people around me that I call friends. I'm going to start having a few drinks if I want to if the opportunity presents itself. Not to get drunk, just to be social. (It hasn't happened yet but I'm sure with 18 coming up it will soon.) I'm done with having to drag myself out of bed everyday when I should jump. I'm not going to let people bring me down because their bad mood is their own problem. I like me. I like the things I stand for. And I'm never going to give up on trying to improve myself or my quality of life, Even though there may be some roadblocks, or times when it gets hard I am going to keep moving forward. And hopefully by writing this all out I'll hold myself more accountable.
The timid may live a long time, but the Brave really live.
Dear friends, I ask you now, hold me accountable to these things I want to accomplish. Support me when I'm breaking and stand firm with me when I make a stand. Don't curse me for my actions but love me for who I am. I'll do the same for you.
Promise?
I'm really sick of being 17. As soon as 18 hits, its on. Right now though I'm trying to avoid doing things to piss of my parents so that I'll still be receiving money for college and food in college from them, and because I like my dad a lot and will probably be moving in with him, and when he gets pissed off, its pretty much the end of the world. However I couldn't really care about my mother's feelings however terrible that may sound because she's honestly the worst person 95% of the time. I don't know that we've ever had an actual or real conversation, I don't know what her favorite color is, etc. Whereas I can actually talk to my dad and my stepmom who is, in fact, a peach. The other day my parents got in a huge fight because of me, and my mother claiming that I didn't do chores that she never told me to do, so unless I could read her mind, I wouldn't have known. I was staying at my father's house and like a good dad he said to her, 'I'm not bringing her home tonight because you're just going to scream at her.' Go dad, go. I've always found refuge in my father's house. I'm unsure how I'll change this. Any given day my mother, father, sister, and grandmother all call me and ask me where I am. JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE PLZ. I'm so fucking sick of this I can't even stand it. NO ONES FAMILY DOES THIS. And my sister will fucking twist everything and try, TRY to get me in trouble. Don't worry about being a bad sibling, because my sister will always be worse. My whole life I've just been sold out by her and she hated me before I was even a fetus. end.
I've been trying to draw more, read more, expand my mind and I will be attending college in the next month or so, I'm retarded in math so I can't exactly take that I guess. But I'm certainly not looking forward to it, I'm so bad at it and the past couple years I've just scooted by by having almost constant tutoring that hasn't sunk in. I feel I'll have a hard time with math in the future unless there is some delightful person who'll explain things to me so I understand. I'm going to start taking more charge of my life, I know I've been and am a pansy when it comes to things, I suppose that its because I don't really know what will happen and I'm afraid of some unknown consequence or being unwanted. Who knows. I'm sick of people caring about me. I'm sick of having expectations to live up to. I'm not stupid, I'm going to do what benefits me and almost nothing else. I want to be satisfied and I want things to be just mine. I want to be able to grow myself and see changes in how and who I am. I want to be my own person without being divided into all these different pieces just trying to please people. So if I piss you off in the next couple of months, sit on it. Because I'm going to be myself and not please other people just so they like me. I'm sick of people pretending to be my friend to my face but actually just don't even care if I exist. (Don't worry, its people from school, not anyone who actually reads this rag.)
I find myself always wanting to change but never having the balls or backbone to go through with it. But. Its starting now and I'm very pleased with myself and my decisions, its been hard going before probably because I had to be so pleasing to everyone around me in high school. Now that college is happening. No one will care who I am, and I don't mean to blame not changing on 'peer pressure.' It isn't that. Its just cowardice of being rejected and having to face it everyday I suppose. Which I shouldn't be afraid of because I don't care about 96% of the people in that school.
I'm really afraid of cops. Jail seems like the worst place for me.
Things I'd like to be :
-Brave. I want to be able to stand up for myself and not afraid of everything.
-A support for people who need it. I want to be a crutch for who's legs are broken by tragedy.
-Someone's sunshine. I want to brighten someone's day just by smiling.
-Adored. I want to be a princess.
-Self-sufficient. I want to be an island and rely on no one.
-Self-medicated. I want to heal myself.
-Solid. I don't want to waffle or waver anymore.
-Free. I don't want to be tied down anymore by obligations or guilt.
-A listener. I want people to know I care.
-Unique. I want to be the only one like me.
-Appreciated. I want to be admired.
These are points. They are not some unachievable goal in the sky.
They will happen. Because I need them to.
Things that will happen on January 10th, 2009:
-Tattoo. More than 1? If I have the money.
-Piercing. More than 1? If I'm into needles that day.
-Trip to Canada. More than a week? Most definitely.
-Time with friends. Without answering to anyone? Darn tootin'.
-Moving out. Period.
I'm making it another point to just get away from this place. To travel. To talk to people I love everyday and never feel far from anyone. I want to make it on my own and be successful. I want to argue with people and win and still be happy after that and content that they are in my life. Recently things have been bogging me down quite a bit and I've got to thinking that I only focus on the negative and right now I'm done hurting about them and pouting. I know things aren't that bad. I know that I don't deserve pity or things like that or even a 'well good for her.' So I won't expect it. (Although I am a big fan of encouragement :D ) I'm going to quit sulking and begin living. Time goes on and passes and I refuse to waste anymore days or heartbeats on the fact that I'm sad. If I'm having a hard time with someone, I'm going to do something I love. I'm going to make myself happy and seek happiness from the people around me that I call friends. I'm going to start having a few drinks if I want to if the opportunity presents itself. Not to get drunk, just to be social. (It hasn't happened yet but I'm sure with 18 coming up it will soon.) I'm done with having to drag myself out of bed everyday when I should jump. I'm not going to let people bring me down because their bad mood is their own problem. I like me. I like the things I stand for. And I'm never going to give up on trying to improve myself or my quality of life, Even though there may be some roadblocks, or times when it gets hard I am going to keep moving forward. And hopefully by writing this all out I'll hold myself more accountable.
The timid may live a long time, but the Brave really live.
Dear friends, I ask you now, hold me accountable to these things I want to accomplish. Support me when I'm breaking and stand firm with me when I make a stand. Don't curse me for my actions but love me for who I am. I'll do the same for you.
Promise?