Purging heartbreak

Jan 29, 2007 10:12

Plenty of time to think while immobilized with gut-centric virus. Turning events over and over in my head, trying to find some way to make sense of it all. As though there is ever any sense to be had when emotions are involved.

Some important questions:

Can I be friends with someone in which I thought I'd found everything I wanted? Dubious yes... the one thing that never existed was the most important thing: mutual regard for me -- looking at me, I don't think he ever saw me as an equal, didn't find that I challenged him in some way, and he never did love ME for who I am, for he never knew me. Not really. Maybe this is a chance to get to know one another in a meaningful way. I'd take a valuable friendship and emotional connection over everything else. Maybe the sexual connection was mind-blowing, but that's not as important.

Can I be happy for him being with her? Harder... Selfishness and jealousy. Do I want him to be happy? Of course... with her? .... Ouch. Trying to see it from a more removed perspective, telling myself that if he thinks she is more suited for him then she must BE, the perception is the reality (and in this I can't help but think I DID doom myself from the beginning, dammit, though I think it was more his perception that mattered than mine, but mine definitely could have held too much sway on his). So yes. I do want him to be happy. If I couldn't have made him happy, I wouldn't have been either. Whatever was missing between us was beyond my ability to grasp and put right, and it seems she has it, so... shall I be happy for him to have everything I want? Yes. I'll have my own some day. In the mean time, I'll relish the chance to have his friendship. Hold on, hold on tight to what you can have and never let that go.

Can I get on with my life and stop dwelling on this? Yes. Pour myself fully into a million things I've been needing to do. Take better care of myself and spend more time with friends.
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