(no subject)
So Sadie has her first bout of a stomach bug today. She was up all night vomiting, which scared the shit out of John and me. They way she was retching sounded like she had stopped breathing. John and I bolted out of bed and I was practically beating Sadie on the back to make her breathe. Scary, scary, scary.
She's such a trooper, though. Good-natured to the bone. She's been smiling and babbling all day. She gets a little fussy, but not nearly as bad as I would be if I had vomited as much as she has recently. I have a lot to learn from this little seven-month-old.
Other than that, things are good. John and I are settling into our new house nicely. We have plans for a few renouvations; but they're nothing necessary, which is so nice. The last thing I would want to be dealing with right now is a house that needed any work. It's so fun to think of projects, though. I married a very handy man and I consume a fairly steady diet of HGTV, so this house is going to feel loved. Think: meditation garden (with a bridge and a water feature), French doors where now there is only a window (John has the skill to do this beautifully -- he used to work for a high-end renouvation company in LA), a small deck, a compost box, a vegetable garden, possibly a hot tub (if we can work it in without it looking schlocky.) It will be fun.
John is going in to meet with the Executive Director of a non-profit tomorrow. He's been offered a position as Development Director. I'm really proud of and excited for him. He's working for an agency he can be proud of because it's aligned with his philosophy. He'll be supporting us very comfortably by doing the work of his heart, which is such a blessing for anyone. And he'll be able to start grad school in January. Apparently, his office at the new job is gigantic and sorta cool. So I think he'll be happy. He so suited for this sort of work because he's really good with people and networking and multitasking and that lot. It was an unexpected boon, and I'm really pleased for him. He's such a good worker, they'll be thrilled to have him.
I'm meditating again. I tried out John's school of Zen sorta casually, and maybe it was just where I was in my life, but it didn't really gel for me. It's a beautiful tradition, the Kwan Um School of Zen; but I connect so much more with Tibetan Buddhism. I'm enraptured by Pema Chodron right now. While she's not saying anything new, she's so warm and maternal and plain-spoken. It's deepened my meditation practice -- possibly simply the connection with a woman practitioner as a sort of teacher (although I've I've not yet met her.) I'm hoping to attend a retreat with her next year when Sadie will be better able to tolerate my absence for a few days.
I have to admit, there's something freeing about having my own practice, as opposed to sharing a practice with my husband. And though we still sit together from time to time, I don't feel as though I am under his tutelage in some manner, since he's been practicing for years longer than have I. And, as he said a few nights ago, I may just have Tibetan karma. My practice feels present so much more often than it ever has with any other tradition. I come back to it throughout the day so much more readily. I am treating myself and others with more compassion -- and when I don't, I can still appreciate the frailty of the human experience.
For once, the emphasis is on something other than perfection. Something other than fleeing pain, seeking peace, and reinforcing a delusion of happiness. Good and bad are only thinking. I am learning Don't Know Mind, to borrow from Zen Master Seung Sahn.
I'm having this fantasy that, after the kid(s) are grown and John and I have retired, we can give it all up and become a monk and a nun, in perfect harmony and with nothing but love for one another. John nearly became a monk a few years ago, but halfway through his postulancy he realised it didn't feel right at that time. I haven't told him about my monastic fantasy, but he would probably appreciate it.
And now I drink tea and work on my fourth step. (Btw: still sober. Two years on November 2nd. Although I haven't actually had a drink since August 4th, 2005 -- but I was still smoking pot until November 2nd, 2005...)
She's such a trooper, though. Good-natured to the bone. She's been smiling and babbling all day. She gets a little fussy, but not nearly as bad as I would be if I had vomited as much as she has recently. I have a lot to learn from this little seven-month-old.
Other than that, things are good. John and I are settling into our new house nicely. We have plans for a few renouvations; but they're nothing necessary, which is so nice. The last thing I would want to be dealing with right now is a house that needed any work. It's so fun to think of projects, though. I married a very handy man and I consume a fairly steady diet of HGTV, so this house is going to feel loved. Think: meditation garden (with a bridge and a water feature), French doors where now there is only a window (John has the skill to do this beautifully -- he used to work for a high-end renouvation company in LA), a small deck, a compost box, a vegetable garden, possibly a hot tub (if we can work it in without it looking schlocky.) It will be fun.
John is going in to meet with the Executive Director of a non-profit tomorrow. He's been offered a position as Development Director. I'm really proud of and excited for him. He's working for an agency he can be proud of because it's aligned with his philosophy. He'll be supporting us very comfortably by doing the work of his heart, which is such a blessing for anyone. And he'll be able to start grad school in January. Apparently, his office at the new job is gigantic and sorta cool. So I think he'll be happy. He so suited for this sort of work because he's really good with people and networking and multitasking and that lot. It was an unexpected boon, and I'm really pleased for him. He's such a good worker, they'll be thrilled to have him.
I'm meditating again. I tried out John's school of Zen sorta casually, and maybe it was just where I was in my life, but it didn't really gel for me. It's a beautiful tradition, the Kwan Um School of Zen; but I connect so much more with Tibetan Buddhism. I'm enraptured by Pema Chodron right now. While she's not saying anything new, she's so warm and maternal and plain-spoken. It's deepened my meditation practice -- possibly simply the connection with a woman practitioner as a sort of teacher (although I've I've not yet met her.) I'm hoping to attend a retreat with her next year when Sadie will be better able to tolerate my absence for a few days.
I have to admit, there's something freeing about having my own practice, as opposed to sharing a practice with my husband. And though we still sit together from time to time, I don't feel as though I am under his tutelage in some manner, since he's been practicing for years longer than have I. And, as he said a few nights ago, I may just have Tibetan karma. My practice feels present so much more often than it ever has with any other tradition. I come back to it throughout the day so much more readily. I am treating myself and others with more compassion -- and when I don't, I can still appreciate the frailty of the human experience.
For once, the emphasis is on something other than perfection. Something other than fleeing pain, seeking peace, and reinforcing a delusion of happiness. Good and bad are only thinking. I am learning Don't Know Mind, to borrow from Zen Master Seung Sahn.
I'm having this fantasy that, after the kid(s) are grown and John and I have retired, we can give it all up and become a monk and a nun, in perfect harmony and with nothing but love for one another. John nearly became a monk a few years ago, but halfway through his postulancy he realised it didn't feel right at that time. I haven't told him about my monastic fantasy, but he would probably appreciate it.
And now I drink tea and work on my fourth step. (Btw: still sober. Two years on November 2nd. Although I haven't actually had a drink since August 4th, 2005 -- but I was still smoking pot until November 2nd, 2005...)