~you're on fire~
I haven't written a real real entry in a long time. Not just here, anywhere. I don't know what it is, but I've lost the ability to be honest, to sit down and do more than say, "this is what I've done lately," or to say what I really think without wrapping it up in metaphores. This will probably be the last entry I write before I go to Florida, anyway, so I guess I'd better make it count, huh?
Honesty has been my 'thing' lately. I can't stop thinking about it. See, my friends and I have this kind of system. There's a certain amount of things we're allowed to tell other people. Like, one of my friends I might only be able to tell the basics of what's going on. Another of my friends, though, I can open up to. It's not like we just picked this randomly or whatever, there are actual logical reasons for this, but still. Eventually, the list waters down and tosses out people until I wind up with my closest friends. And at the very bottom you have basically one or two people, the only ones I will tell everything. I can't tell certain people things for stupid reasons, mostly ones having to do with hatred or feeling inferior. There are certain friends I know but am not that close to anymore, and I can't tell them much about what I do with the friends I am still close to. Why? Because these are the people that used to be their friends too, and they feel left out if they know we're hanging out alone. Then there are the people that are still mad at me for going out with Ross. People, or more accurately, person. Now it doesn't really matter because she hates me, but there's also this list of people who know her, and so I can't mention a lot around them. Same goes for my family and the secrets we have.
It's gotten so bad that I can't even write things completely honestly in my journal. Not my LiveJournal, my REAL journal. The one I don't let anyone read. Because somehow, I'm still scared that someone will pick it up and take everything a way it wasn't meant to be. And I can't do that, because I don't want to hurt anyone or leave anyone out.
The truth is, I'm just plain scared of what I'm really feeling or the reasons I do things half the time. I'm afraid to be too compassionate, because some of the people I know think that you can only take that too far before you become stupid (tolerance is stupid...)
And so because of all this I don't think anyone knows how much I've changed. But I have. A lot. I'm not even sure who I used to be, and yet I think that's how everyone sees me. I'm this complete fusion of things that have shaped me, and yet I don't even tell anyone what those things are. The things that are more important to me than I can tell you go unsaid, because some people don't think that's who I should be.
So if everyone thinks I'm one person, and in reality I'm another.... what do I do? Do I let them go on thinking that . . . . ?
Honesty has been my 'thing' lately. I can't stop thinking about it. See, my friends and I have this kind of system. There's a certain amount of things we're allowed to tell other people. Like, one of my friends I might only be able to tell the basics of what's going on. Another of my friends, though, I can open up to. It's not like we just picked this randomly or whatever, there are actual logical reasons for this, but still. Eventually, the list waters down and tosses out people until I wind up with my closest friends. And at the very bottom you have basically one or two people, the only ones I will tell everything. I can't tell certain people things for stupid reasons, mostly ones having to do with hatred or feeling inferior. There are certain friends I know but am not that close to anymore, and I can't tell them much about what I do with the friends I am still close to. Why? Because these are the people that used to be their friends too, and they feel left out if they know we're hanging out alone. Then there are the people that are still mad at me for going out with Ross. People, or more accurately, person. Now it doesn't really matter because she hates me, but there's also this list of people who know her, and so I can't mention a lot around them. Same goes for my family and the secrets we have.
It's gotten so bad that I can't even write things completely honestly in my journal. Not my LiveJournal, my REAL journal. The one I don't let anyone read. Because somehow, I'm still scared that someone will pick it up and take everything a way it wasn't meant to be. And I can't do that, because I don't want to hurt anyone or leave anyone out.
The truth is, I'm just plain scared of what I'm really feeling or the reasons I do things half the time. I'm afraid to be too compassionate, because some of the people I know think that you can only take that too far before you become stupid (tolerance is stupid...)
And so because of all this I don't think anyone knows how much I've changed. But I have. A lot. I'm not even sure who I used to be, and yet I think that's how everyone sees me. I'm this complete fusion of things that have shaped me, and yet I don't even tell anyone what those things are. The things that are more important to me than I can tell you go unsaid, because some people don't think that's who I should be.
So if everyone thinks I'm one person, and in reality I'm another.... what do I do? Do I let them go on thinking that . . . . ?