It's been a longgg time...
I feel like I'm going through something. I feel different. I don't know what it is, I just feel really needy sometimes. Hopefully writing this will help me figure out why I've been feeling this way for the last like month and a half. Here's a few things that I think are part of my problem:
1.) I've been pretty anxious about school because I have mid-terms coming up soon. I truly don't know what I want to do anymore- I just know I love psychology. It's so so hard to actually picture myself in a real job in a matter of years. I'm so scared of the future and a big part of that is because I don't feel like I've really found a passion yet. It scares the hell out of me and, it makes me feel pretty inferior to all of my other friends who more or less know what they want to do and what they're good at. I feel like I'm behind in the whole finding-out-who-I-am process.
2.) I hardly ever get to see Adam anymore, like really see him for more than a few hours here and there, and it's really taking its toll on me. It's been really stressful and I hate that it makes me insecure about our relationship, but I know I'm not being totally ridiculous. I still don't think he really gets where I'm coming from, but I know he's been trying. I'm just scared that something has changed between us, which could very well be credited to my insecurity lately. I just know that I feel like something is different and I can't really put my finger on what it is. Like Michelle Branch says, "It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time..." I miss him, a lot. It still feels like most of the time when we're together or on the phone, its so rushed that we can't really just relax and enjoy each other. Different schedules suck.
3.) I want my own room! I can deal with moving around but it's really frustrating sometimes. I know I can't change anything right now and I've pretty much accepted it, but I want more stability, like now. I miss it, and maybe that's why I desperately latch onto Adam, or try to. He's pretty much been the only stable thing in my life for a long time and that's even beginning to feel a little shaky.
"Walk away, but don't disappear on me."
4.) I hate my "mother". But I miss the idea of having a mother, and not necessarily the one that is mine. I'm now one of "those people" who doesn't have a relationship with a parent. I'm like Abby from ER except my "mother" isn't Sally Fielkds. But I know it's better this way because having any kind of relationship with her would be like getting back into an abusive relationship. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. In my case I've been the fool like 4 times and I'm not going to be again.
This made me feel a little better. Nothing's really been solved from this but I feel a little relief actually getting it all out in an orderly way, I guess?
1.) I've been pretty anxious about school because I have mid-terms coming up soon. I truly don't know what I want to do anymore- I just know I love psychology. It's so so hard to actually picture myself in a real job in a matter of years. I'm so scared of the future and a big part of that is because I don't feel like I've really found a passion yet. It scares the hell out of me and, it makes me feel pretty inferior to all of my other friends who more or less know what they want to do and what they're good at. I feel like I'm behind in the whole finding-out-who-I-am process.
2.) I hardly ever get to see Adam anymore, like really see him for more than a few hours here and there, and it's really taking its toll on me. It's been really stressful and I hate that it makes me insecure about our relationship, but I know I'm not being totally ridiculous. I still don't think he really gets where I'm coming from, but I know he's been trying. I'm just scared that something has changed between us, which could very well be credited to my insecurity lately. I just know that I feel like something is different and I can't really put my finger on what it is. Like Michelle Branch says, "It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time..." I miss him, a lot. It still feels like most of the time when we're together or on the phone, its so rushed that we can't really just relax and enjoy each other. Different schedules suck.
3.) I want my own room! I can deal with moving around but it's really frustrating sometimes. I know I can't change anything right now and I've pretty much accepted it, but I want more stability, like now. I miss it, and maybe that's why I desperately latch onto Adam, or try to. He's pretty much been the only stable thing in my life for a long time and that's even beginning to feel a little shaky.
"Walk away, but don't disappear on me."
4.) I hate my "mother". But I miss the idea of having a mother, and not necessarily the one that is mine. I'm now one of "those people" who doesn't have a relationship with a parent. I'm like Abby from ER except my "mother" isn't Sally Fielkds. But I know it's better this way because having any kind of relationship with her would be like getting back into an abusive relationship. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. In my case I've been the fool like 4 times and I'm not going to be again.
This made me feel a little better. Nothing's really been solved from this but I feel a little relief actually getting it all out in an orderly way, I guess?