two-hundred & ninety-two.
To say that I've been enjoying all of school is something of an overstatement, because amidst the valuable things I've been learning and the friends I've been making, there is still that underlying stress from financial aid looming over my shoulder everywhere I go. My money hasn't been deposited into my account, surprise surprise. So I can't buy my kit, and my textbooks are going to have to wait until the 22nd, because we honestly can't afford them.
I'm so tired of money ruling my life. It's like a fucking dictator. And every day I feel like my lack of money is a part of me, like over the many years it's shaped me into a very self-hateful person. There's no doubt that when my mom went bankrupt in 2001, it fucked us up. I was so devastated. I carry the scars of it to this day. Every day after it happened, I'd be so jealous of people who had money, even a few dollars. Now, when I see people throwing their money away on stupidly expensive and useless things, I get so angry because I figure I'll never have that sort of money.
Yeah, my thoughts on it will change once I get a job. But for now, that's not the point -- the point is that it's made my life a financial nightmare, and I cry from time to time about it because I feel like I just can't measure up to everyone else. It frustrates me so much, and it's like I have to apologize to people about it. Borrowing money makes me feel so low. The same goes for asking people to buy things for me, so I try not to do it because I know I'll feel bad about it later. It chokes me and paralyzes me with fear, but also acknowledgement, of failure.
And sometimes I get upset with my mom for never remarrying so that I could have had a dad, and another source of income in the house. Maybe it would have made my life better. Money doesn't fix everything, and it can't buy you happiness, but not having it brings you nothing at all.
We've been doing practical stuff in the labs like putting in perm rods, retouching roots, washing & styling each other's hair, and giving little haircuts. My Treat Hair & Scalp instructor looks like Blake Lively. I bleached and coloured part of my hair last night and this morning.
If my money doesn't come in tomorrow, I'm probably going to cry at school.