two-hundred & forty-seven.
I feel like I'm becoming one of those roleplayers who'll become notorious for not being active. Sometimes, I'll be super active. Sometimes, my activity will be sporadic, even in a game where I only have one or two characters. In reality, I'm just lazy. Too lazy to even type up a tag on the keyboard. That and I procrastinate, so I think I need to develop some system, maybe like a sticky-note system, that displays my threads/logs so I don't ignore or forget about them. Because it happens. A lot.
And on the topic of paranoia, I got thinking about what people thought of me. More often than not, I find out about people's opinions of me through some other source than face-to-face conversation. Finding out how people view me, when they're not telling me or leaving me behavioural concrit or even commenting to my HMDs, feels harsh when it's not anything positive. I get that, but it's given to my face. It's like a rumor -- I have to find out by some other means than that person.
I have very terrible reactions to negative criticism, and you know why? Because nobody fucking tells me. My depression? Nobody tells me I'm ugly, or stupid, or that I can't do anything, or be anything of value -- it's all in my head. When a player in my IJ game told me she felt I godmodded/insulted/used her character for my own personal gain in my history section, I cried and hyperventilated for half an hour. Considered cutting myself, the whole nine yards.
So when someone confesses that I'm a certain way, and they don't like that, it hurts. It really hurts, because I'm not used to criticism directed to my face. Because nobody does it.
Let me put it this way: if you don't tell me I'm annoying, how do you expect me to stop being annoying if you don't tell me to stop? Do you expect me to fucking magically know everything you're thinking, and know everything you post about me? It doesn't work that way. You want someone to change the way they act, or tone shit down, or do more, you have to tell them.
And yeah, I'm guilty of doing the same. But it's because I tolerate shit too easily. I'm a doormat. I'm sure everyone who's ever said something negative about me isn't a doormat. Maybe it depends on people's personalities? I'm non-confrontational, insecure. It's physically difficult to confess my thoughts to people. I'm afraid to pick up the fucking phone sometimes.
Hi, my name is Angie. And I'm a hypocrite.