three-hundred & sixty-three.
On Wednesday, I had an anxiety attack because a man looked at me for too long in the waiting room at my doctor's office. I cried when he left, spent my entire appointment holding back tears, and when I finished, I walked four blocks being unable to breathe properly and trying not to cry. My appointment was at ten in the morning, and at three in the morning I still couldn't breathe properly, as if my lungs had suddenly halved themselves in size and I couldn't take deeps breathe for hours.
So I looked up "fear of men" on and discovered I have androphobia.
What is Androphobia?
Androphobia is the fear of men. People who have this fear may fear men in general or some particular characteristics of a man. The origin of the word andro is Greek (meaning man, men or male) and phobia is Greek (meaning fear). Androphobia is considered to be a specific phobia, which is discussed on the home page. Androphobia is also known as Arrhenphobia.
What are the causes?
It is generally accepted that phobias arise from a combination of external events (i.e. traumatic events) and internal predispositions (i.e. heredity or genetics). Many specific phobias can be traced back to a specific triggering event, usually a traumatic experience at an early age. Social phobias and agoraphobia have more complex causes that are not entirely known at this time. It is believed that heredity, genetics, and brain chemistry combine with life-experiences to play a major role in the development of phobias. (Wikipedia - phobia).
What are the symptoms?
As with any phobia, the symptoms vary by person depending on their level of fear. The symptoms typically include extreme anxiety, dread and anything associated with panic such as shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, nausea, inability to articulate words or sentences, dry mouth and shaking.
It isn't with all men. But a lot of them. Usually strangers, any man who's middle-aged or older. Someone around my age won't weird me out. But sometimes a man will look at me for too long, and I'll want to shrink into my chair, to evaporate into thin air. On Wednesday, the longer he looked at me through his sunglasses (because I could see his eyes), the longer I felt like I wanted to curl up on myself. I even contemplated getting up and walking to stand against the wall, out of his line of vision. Another man leaned in near me to take a magazine off the table, and my heart started racing. Another man sat two chairs away from me, and in my peripheral vision I thought he was watching me.
I turned away and cried as quietly as I could before my doctor called me in.
Last year, on the night before my first appointment with the surgeon who would be doing my breast reduction, I started having an anxiety attack, and cried. The idea of him touching me while I was exposed and vulnerable made me shake. I crawled into my mom's bed and cried there because I couldn't fall asleep. The movie of him touching me played over and over. It turned out that he wasn't a creep. I trusted him. So everything was okay, especially when he comforted me while I cried out in the hallway the morning of my surgery.
Nothing traumatic has ever happened to me. So all I can think of is that it's my anxiety disorder. Every time I step outside at night, I'm afraid someone is going to come and drag me off the sidewalk to rape me. I think about it a lot, how it would happen, when it would happen. If I'm wearing a skirt or heels, I wonder if I'll be easy access. I think about how I should wear shoes at night that I can run in. If I'm on my period, will he reject me because it's too disgusting? Rejected from being sexually violated.
It doesn't help that I'm also constantly paranoid that I'm being followed. My shadow scares me, because I think it's someone behind me. So I look over my shoulder a lot, especially when I have music. I'm terrified of being on buses alone with male drivers. Last week, one looked at me too long (three looks back at me), and when I was the last one on the bus, I was terrified he'd go pass my stop and keep driving somewhere quiet and dark so he could rape me.
The idea of being penetrated scares me speechless. It's like a violation. An invasion. I hate tampons for the same reason. Which is to say, I'm too afraid to have sex. With anyone. Ever. I just don't want it, and I don't think I'll ever want it. Over and over, I'll imagine what it would be like to be raped. It's on repeat when I step out the door. I avoid walking on sidewalks without a lot of cars, in case they'll drive up. I won't walk in the grass isles in the middle of the road in case they drive up, and run out to grab me. I think, will there be a driver and a friend to snatch me? Which side of the car will he come out on, which side of the street makes it more likely that I'll be taken?
Will I be too terrified to scream? Should I make a lot of noise wherever I'm going so if I'm taken nearby, someone will remember the sound of my heels or my bell earrings? But if I do that, will I get taken faster? Will I yell for help? If I try to hit him, will I forget everything I learned in self defense in high school and break my hand trying to hit him in the nose?
Will I ever want to be with anyone after? Will I ever be able to look at a man and not feel like he'll take me aside and violate me? I wonder if it'll happen while I'm in a game. Will I drop from that game, or go on hiatus? How could I tell anyone?
I'm so paranoid. I'm so anxious.
My heart's going to give out someday from all this stress, and my imagination is going to drive me completely mad. I can't control it. My mind always plays out these movies of 'could be's.
I need therapy. I need it so much. I need to stop drinking. I need to stop crying.
I just need to
stop.
Post contains triggering material like rape and sex.