Things and People I Really REALLY Don't Like
I hate a lot of things. A lot. I mean the list is so long that I should probably have a professional therapist on speed dial to talk about my issues. But I don't have that kind of cash to throw around and my cell phone has been gone for a month, so I'm fairly speed-dial-less. But that doesn't seem to stop me from having an unhealthy list of things (and people) I hate. So let's begin, shall we?
Twitards: You've seen them. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes, but generally feel the same way: "OHMAHGAWD EDWARD CULLEN IS SO EFFING HOT I WISH I SMELLED SO GOOD SOMEONE WANTED TO SUCK MY BLOOD!!" And they're all under the delusion that if Bella didn't exist, and Edward was real, he'd be all over that shit. Which is a lie because none of these girls seem to realize they ARE Bella and that she is an empty shell of a character designed to be the carrier of all their feelings and personalities and that Edward is there to give them the female equivalent of wet dreams so they'll buy more Twicrap. Like Photo Albums of his face and bare chest and Twilight themed emty journals, of which they'll fill, on average, ten pages. Here are some typical Twitards for you to spot and avoid. If possible:
The Obese Bella-Wannabe This girl is very overweight. Which is fine, but is accentuated by her tight black t-shirt she bought at Hot Topic that has Robert Pattinson's face on it with the words "My Husband" printed underneath. She's usually carrying a Nightmare Before Christmas themed book satchel or back pack and has black dyed hair with some primary color and wears big baggy black pants with chains. She's always wearing a sweater, even if it's July in Arizona, because she is sensitive about her arms. But not about the three inches of fat she's showing off with her tiny small t-shirt.
The One You Wouldn't Expect She's the most dangerous kind of Twitard there is. She's between 13 and seventeen. She appears fairly normal: lip gloss, trendy purse instead of a backpack, casually decorated binder. But she and her friends secretly masturbate in small groups to the cover of Twilight books and Robert Pattinson's photograph. There is a smaller sub-group known only as the Original Twitards: they don't like the film at all and insist they loved Twilight before it became the New Thing. All three of the aforementioned groups think "The Host" is adult fiction and feel cool for reading it. Even though it is in the young adult section at the library.
Children Between the Ages of 13 and 15 I like kids. I really do. I want to get married and have a bunch. But the minute they turn thirteen, they're not leaving the house. I used to work at a movie theatre. And for some reason, parents around Scottsdale think we're like a personal baby sitting service for their semi-independent spoiled 14 year-old emo child. They seem to think they can drop the kid off and noon and then pick them up at six. And the kids seem to think that they can just wander around wherever the hell they want to and see however movies they want to and ask you for your suspenders because they're fourteen and not twelve. When they were twelve, they had to SEE MOVIES WITH THEIR PARENTS WHICH IS NOT COOL AND SUCKS BALLS. Now they're fourteen and they can do whatever the hell they want.
They also seem to think it's cool and dangerous to wander really normal places. Like Wal-Mart. If you're looking for them, you'll find them in one of these places:
1. The Condom section: because looking at condoms and lube is funny and makes you look like an older cool kid, even though you probably can't even use either of them.
2. The Children's Backpack Section: especially if they're wearing tight pants and black and white striped shirts they bought at a Paramore concert. Because she's still cool you know. They cut their arms with paper clips on weekdays and buy Finding Nemo themed shit on Saturdays. They watch High School Musical because it's cool to be older and watch little kids shows and they color the rubber around their Converse shoes with rainbow markers and hang out with gay guys. Because they're MATURE.
3. The Ice Cream Section: Buying shit and toppings for their slumber party where they will watch High School Musical and paint their nails black and home-color their bangs blue. And then sneak out to TP their neighbor's yard.
When people ask you questions and you can't hear a freaking word their saying. This is self explanatory. Please wait for me to be in ear-shot so we can talk. Instead of yelling "I can't hear you hold on!" and "What'd you say?" "I said I can't hear you. What was your question?" "What's in this box?" Like I should know? Is it labeled? Is it buzzing? Is it ticking? Would I have known anymore if I was still on the other side of the house and couldn't even see the box? No.
I know this is only three things, but believe me, I have more. And we'll get to them. I promise. Also, I think it's time for a layout change.
Twitards: You've seen them. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes, but generally feel the same way: "OHMAHGAWD EDWARD CULLEN IS SO EFFING HOT I WISH I SMELLED SO GOOD SOMEONE WANTED TO SUCK MY BLOOD!!" And they're all under the delusion that if Bella didn't exist, and Edward was real, he'd be all over that shit. Which is a lie because none of these girls seem to realize they ARE Bella and that she is an empty shell of a character designed to be the carrier of all their feelings and personalities and that Edward is there to give them the female equivalent of wet dreams so they'll buy more Twicrap. Like Photo Albums of his face and bare chest and Twilight themed emty journals, of which they'll fill, on average, ten pages. Here are some typical Twitards for you to spot and avoid. If possible:
The Obese Bella-Wannabe This girl is very overweight. Which is fine, but is accentuated by her tight black t-shirt she bought at Hot Topic that has Robert Pattinson's face on it with the words "My Husband" printed underneath. She's usually carrying a Nightmare Before Christmas themed book satchel or back pack and has black dyed hair with some primary color and wears big baggy black pants with chains. She's always wearing a sweater, even if it's July in Arizona, because she is sensitive about her arms. But not about the three inches of fat she's showing off with her tiny small t-shirt.
The One You Wouldn't Expect She's the most dangerous kind of Twitard there is. She's between 13 and seventeen. She appears fairly normal: lip gloss, trendy purse instead of a backpack, casually decorated binder. But she and her friends secretly masturbate in small groups to the cover of Twilight books and Robert Pattinson's photograph. There is a smaller sub-group known only as the Original Twitards: they don't like the film at all and insist they loved Twilight before it became the New Thing. All three of the aforementioned groups think "The Host" is adult fiction and feel cool for reading it. Even though it is in the young adult section at the library.
Children Between the Ages of 13 and 15 I like kids. I really do. I want to get married and have a bunch. But the minute they turn thirteen, they're not leaving the house. I used to work at a movie theatre. And for some reason, parents around Scottsdale think we're like a personal baby sitting service for their semi-independent spoiled 14 year-old emo child. They seem to think they can drop the kid off and noon and then pick them up at six. And the kids seem to think that they can just wander around wherever the hell they want to and see however movies they want to and ask you for your suspenders because they're fourteen and not twelve. When they were twelve, they had to SEE MOVIES WITH THEIR PARENTS WHICH IS NOT COOL AND SUCKS BALLS. Now they're fourteen and they can do whatever the hell they want.
They also seem to think it's cool and dangerous to wander really normal places. Like Wal-Mart. If you're looking for them, you'll find them in one of these places:
1. The Condom section: because looking at condoms and lube is funny and makes you look like an older cool kid, even though you probably can't even use either of them.
2. The Children's Backpack Section: especially if they're wearing tight pants and black and white striped shirts they bought at a Paramore concert. Because she's still cool you know. They cut their arms with paper clips on weekdays and buy Finding Nemo themed shit on Saturdays. They watch High School Musical because it's cool to be older and watch little kids shows and they color the rubber around their Converse shoes with rainbow markers and hang out with gay guys. Because they're MATURE.
3. The Ice Cream Section: Buying shit and toppings for their slumber party where they will watch High School Musical and paint their nails black and home-color their bangs blue. And then sneak out to TP their neighbor's yard.
When people ask you questions and you can't hear a freaking word their saying. This is self explanatory. Please wait for me to be in ear-shot so we can talk. Instead of yelling "I can't hear you hold on!" and "What'd you say?" "I said I can't hear you. What was your question?" "What's in this box?" Like I should know? Is it labeled? Is it buzzing? Is it ticking? Would I have known anymore if I was still on the other side of the house and couldn't even see the box? No.
I know this is only three things, but believe me, I have more. And we'll get to them. I promise. Also, I think it's time for a layout change.