(no subject)
Okay just fuck you all god damn I just need to be left the fuck alone. Yeah I miss hanging out with friends and stuff so if you invite me and I don't have work I'll probably agree to go, but don't. I mean it or it's gonna screw me the fuck over. You try working a goddam 38 hours a week, being at wrestling practice every morning at 6:15 (yes that means leaving to begin walking by 5:30), and trying to do a whole bunch of goddam schoolwork, and worry about passing because you can't play your sport if you don't pass. Then throw in some extra anxiety because you are trying to drop ten pounds for your sport, and you only have two weeks to do it. Okay I don't like to admit it usually and I just try to act happy and care-free and nice and all that shit well get over it because I'm not going to be like that for a while, but anyway I'm admitting it now so hear it once - I'm not saying it again; I'm stressed the fuck out okay? It's really hard to juggle all this shit and I really can't get rid of anything to make stuff easier. I'm not dropping wrestling, I HAVE to lose the weight to be good, I can't quit work, I can't lower my hours, I NEED the money (don't tell me I don't, what the fuck do you know what business I need to handle), I NEED to pass in school just to wrestle (and being happy is important to me, so if I can't wrestle everything is gonna blow to fucking shit, okay? I need to get at least fucking DECENT grades seeing as I want to go to college, even if it's not a great one. Add to that that I am really missing someone okay. Fuck you if I shouldn't feel that sad or affected by it, but I do okay? So back the fuck off, you're not helping. Well wrestling makes me happy okay so I can't do it if I don't pass - just leave me the fuck alone with what little time I have to try to do my god damn fucking schoolwork. I know I might sound like a b*tch right now, and really I don't mean to, but I'm trying to make my point. Yeah, I care about you all. Yeah, I miss you guys like crazy. Yes, I want to hang out with you. But I really don't have the time right now. I try to hang out with at least one friend one time per week (at least, and though that might sound like not much, it's fucking hard enough, believe me). So even if it seems like I'm ignoring you and we haven't hung out in months, imagine just hanging out with ONE friend per week, times at least six good friends. Even if it was just six people I made a big effort to hang out with, that would only be once every six weeks. I'm not trying to neglect you all, I'm just really fucking busy. I'm sorry. And please don't tell me not to drop a weight class, or not to go to practice on time, or not to work so many hours at work. If you were me, you'd understand - but you don't - and trust me, NONE of those are good solutions. As stupid as dropping weight (just one example) might sound, it's something that to me is really important because I love wrestling so much, and I suck at it. There is absolutely no modesty in that statement either. I really am terrible at it. But I enjoy it so much...and the only way that can help me to improve (in a somewhat short amount of time, seeing as I don't have much of it anyway) is to drop a weightclass and be able to wrestle lighter people with less strength. I haven't even mentioned a lot of family shit going on right now that I'm trying to figure out, and I don't plan on it either. I just have a /lot/ going on and I'm seriously going fucking crazy trying to deal with it all. Just trying to stay on an even keel is insanely hard. I'm being greatly deprived of sleep (and I am seriously now starting to see the long and short term effects, unlike before); I am having a hell of a time just trying to stay awake in class (even the classes that I enjoy), I am much more irritable both at home and at work (school is a bit easier to hide, as well as the fact that it's not as prominent at school, where I am around people I enjoy and things can periodically be somewhat enjoyable), and I can not even recall information instantly after it has been discussed. You could say a sentence and ask me to repeat it - I probably couldn't. Look, I could ramble on more than I already am now, but not only do I not have the time (I am not sleeping tonight at all, I have way too much schoolwork to do, and practice very early) but it would be irrational anyway seeing as I think I have pretty much made my point.
God it seems as if it would be so easy to just say I quit. To say f**k it all, I'm not doing these projects. F**k school, I'm not going anymore. F**k wrestling, I'm not even good at it anyway. F**k friends, they're doing fine without me. F**k work, it's making me grow up to fast - and I could do alright without the money. F**k everything. I'm just going to wake up, and walk away. Snoopy, I want to so bad. Even though for the most part I am doing what I love, sometimes it seems like it is being done without point. I truly do love to learn, but I love to really learn. Not memorize. Not be told and forget. Not have a general idea, but not completely understand. But truly, to learn - gain knowledge and understand - well enough even to explain it to others. But this just doesn't really seem to be happening all that much. If only schools really taught....'tis why I want to be a teacher. Anyway yeah, so learning is fine - I enjoy becoming informed on subject matters and would not mind so much doing the projects, but everything is so crammed. I enjoy work - I love my coworkers, and the atmosphere is light-hearted and fun, even with all the crazy guests and crazy weekends we sometimes have. I love wrestling - probably too much. If I am doing all of these things which I love so much, why can't I just be overly happy, and not stressed at all, and all that? Freakin' Snoopy! Seriously... but yeah that was a rhetorical question.
Anyway. I'm done...
(-ish.)
God it seems as if it would be so easy to just say I quit. To say f**k it all, I'm not doing these projects. F**k school, I'm not going anymore. F**k wrestling, I'm not even good at it anyway. F**k friends, they're doing fine without me. F**k work, it's making me grow up to fast - and I could do alright without the money. F**k everything. I'm just going to wake up, and walk away. Snoopy, I want to so bad. Even though for the most part I am doing what I love, sometimes it seems like it is being done without point. I truly do love to learn, but I love to really learn. Not memorize. Not be told and forget. Not have a general idea, but not completely understand. But truly, to learn - gain knowledge and understand - well enough even to explain it to others. But this just doesn't really seem to be happening all that much. If only schools really taught....'tis why I want to be a teacher. Anyway yeah, so learning is fine - I enjoy becoming informed on subject matters and would not mind so much doing the projects, but everything is so crammed. I enjoy work - I love my coworkers, and the atmosphere is light-hearted and fun, even with all the crazy guests and crazy weekends we sometimes have. I love wrestling - probably too much. If I am doing all of these things which I love so much, why can't I just be overly happy, and not stressed at all, and all that? Freakin' Snoopy! Seriously... but yeah that was a rhetorical question.
Anyway. I'm done...
(-ish.)