I've informed you to leave, cuz I can't afford to lose more sleep
It's almost midnight, it's the middle of June, I have work tomorrow morning. That's what's happening in my life right now. Oh, and I'm in a musical for which I have yet to go to a single rehearsal. Can't really tell you WHY I'm writing right now. Probably no one even reads this anymore and I'm talking to myself. Which is not to say that many people read this to begin with. But I digress. From nothing.
I'm at Laura's apartment. She's in bed, most likely either asleep or well on her way to being asleep. I'm not that tired. The cat (we have a cat, her name is Nellie) is lying where my feet usually go, and it will be interesting getting her to move so that I can get back in bed when I finally do feel like drifting off.
...you know what weirds me out about that last paragraph? "We have a cat." I don't live with Laura. Well, I spend most of my time with her but I TECHnically don't live with her, I still keep all of my stuff somewhere else. But the cat is most definitely "our" cat, and that's starting to bug me. Not the cat part, the cat is lovely and sweet. The "our" part. You know what I mean. I don't think this relationship can last. It used to be that she drove me crazy sometimes but that was part of what made it fun. Now she drives me crazy most of the time, and it's not fun in the slightest. I disagree with her a lot, we don't talk about anything new, anything interesting. We do the same thing, every night, every weekend. She irritates me. I've begun to enjoy the cat's company more than her company.
And yet, once again I find myself in the situation where I can't end it, because ending it will be too disruptive to my life. Her friends are my friends, and they'll go to her in the divorce. And also, when it comes to helping me with my piece of crap life, she's actually rather amazing. She's supportive and caring and helps me get things done. And I'm terrified that without her to lean on I'll start spiraling the drain. And that's horrible, because that means I'm using her. But there's also that level of comfort we've built with one another that I can't let go. That feeling of being so used to the person that their absence would be too much to bear. I'm rambling, as always.
I have nowhere to go with this, and I don't think this will go anywhere. I'm not breaking up with her, either because I can't stand the thought of wrecking her psyche (remember the sleeping troubles she had?) or because I'm too much of a pussy, or both. Whatever the case may be, I'm pretty unhappy. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I'm at Laura's apartment. She's in bed, most likely either asleep or well on her way to being asleep. I'm not that tired. The cat (we have a cat, her name is Nellie) is lying where my feet usually go, and it will be interesting getting her to move so that I can get back in bed when I finally do feel like drifting off.
...you know what weirds me out about that last paragraph? "We have a cat." I don't live with Laura. Well, I spend most of my time with her but I TECHnically don't live with her, I still keep all of my stuff somewhere else. But the cat is most definitely "our" cat, and that's starting to bug me. Not the cat part, the cat is lovely and sweet. The "our" part. You know what I mean. I don't think this relationship can last. It used to be that she drove me crazy sometimes but that was part of what made it fun. Now she drives me crazy most of the time, and it's not fun in the slightest. I disagree with her a lot, we don't talk about anything new, anything interesting. We do the same thing, every night, every weekend. She irritates me. I've begun to enjoy the cat's company more than her company.
And yet, once again I find myself in the situation where I can't end it, because ending it will be too disruptive to my life. Her friends are my friends, and they'll go to her in the divorce. And also, when it comes to helping me with my piece of crap life, she's actually rather amazing. She's supportive and caring and helps me get things done. And I'm terrified that without her to lean on I'll start spiraling the drain. And that's horrible, because that means I'm using her. But there's also that level of comfort we've built with one another that I can't let go. That feeling of being so used to the person that their absence would be too much to bear. I'm rambling, as always.
I have nowhere to go with this, and I don't think this will go anywhere. I'm not breaking up with her, either because I can't stand the thought of wrecking her psyche (remember the sleeping troubles she had?) or because I'm too much of a pussy, or both. Whatever the case may be, I'm pretty unhappy. And there's nothing I can do about it.