(no subject)
Welcome to my craptastic rant about everything in the past 2.5 years or so.
I've been avoiding all of this long enough. If you don't want to know, don't read. Let's see, first, Preston. Oh my. There is no way I can express how badly I feel about his death. I feel horrible for the people he let into his life, who shared things with him after I was gone. I feel especially bad for his now former fiancee. What the hell. This is supposed to make more sense and get easier, right? Guess not. I am carrying around a LOT of guilt over this, rightly so. Well, in my opinion rightly so. I left in a really bad way. I'm sure we hated each other for a while. I let go of my anger, but the guilt moved me to very strange doings. I felt like a stalker. I loved Preston. Still do. Just not the ... doesn't matter. After all the crap, I read his lj. At first wondering if he was saying anything about me then I quit for the things said about me. Not cool when someone I consider a sister wishes me dead. I've let a lot go. I hope others can too. I miss the friends I had. I understand people not liking me or worse. It really hurt to have so many people who were nominally my friends (I guess) treat me the way they did. Abandoned and scorned. Understandable, yes. But it really hurt, and still does. When I give my friendship to someone I don't take it lightly. I can't. I offer you my friendship and hope that you treat it with the same care I do you. I can't understand people letting things get in the way of friendship especially those with those tight bonds. Holy shit! If I call you sister (or brother) that's a huge deal. It means I trust and love you always, no matter what. So yes it fucking hurt. I wanted to be friends with Preston. I knew it would never ever happen, but I wished it. He was my best friend. And I couldn't help with his pain because I caused it. So I read. And I hoped. I wished peace and love upon those who wished foul things on me. I saw him in a bookstore once. He saw me and jumped up like he had been stung by a 14 pound bee, and left. I was so excited when he got engaged again. Finally he had someone who could make him happy. I let go of a little guilt because he was happy, or so I thought. How could I know? He didn't trust me enough to speak to him, I couldn't read his journal. I had no warning, and again, I feel at fault. I have been told and will probably continue to be told that it wasn't my fault. Thank you for lying to me. I know it's not all my fault. But I am to blame. That's how I feel, and I can't help it, I can't get over it, and I can't accept anything else. It's my fault. I gave some of the pain he carried around with him. That same pain that ended his life. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to handle it.
So, my normal rapid cycling crap now is all off kilter. I can handle the rapid cycling, the mania and depression. Now I almost pray for mania. I haven't been stuck to one side like this in a very long time. Sure I can play normal for a while hell, I used play normal so well I could kick myself out of this side. Not this time. And not being able to (apparently)do anything about it only makes it worse. J. is walking around on eggshells and feels he's doing things that are wrong because everything seems to make it worse. And it's not his fault. I'm trying desperately to finish out a resume (being stuck and writer's block always go hand in hand for me) so that I can get a real job and get my ass back in school so I can have some form of career.
I really though writing about all of this would make me feel...something. Instead I'm irritated and more stuck. Perhaps I'm wallowing instead of venting or what have you. It doesn't help that I quit nicotine too. That's really smart, huh? I'm already stuck, so let's do something that is known to cause (in most people, especially women and those prone to it) depression. I'm actually doing it this time. Haha funny, right? Nope, actually happening. I'll thank myself later.
I've been avoiding all of this long enough. If you don't want to know, don't read. Let's see, first, Preston. Oh my. There is no way I can express how badly I feel about his death. I feel horrible for the people he let into his life, who shared things with him after I was gone. I feel especially bad for his now former fiancee. What the hell. This is supposed to make more sense and get easier, right? Guess not. I am carrying around a LOT of guilt over this, rightly so. Well, in my opinion rightly so. I left in a really bad way. I'm sure we hated each other for a while. I let go of my anger, but the guilt moved me to very strange doings. I felt like a stalker. I loved Preston. Still do. Just not the ... doesn't matter. After all the crap, I read his lj. At first wondering if he was saying anything about me then I quit for the things said about me. Not cool when someone I consider a sister wishes me dead. I've let a lot go. I hope others can too. I miss the friends I had. I understand people not liking me or worse. It really hurt to have so many people who were nominally my friends (I guess) treat me the way they did. Abandoned and scorned. Understandable, yes. But it really hurt, and still does. When I give my friendship to someone I don't take it lightly. I can't. I offer you my friendship and hope that you treat it with the same care I do you. I can't understand people letting things get in the way of friendship especially those with those tight bonds. Holy shit! If I call you sister (or brother) that's a huge deal. It means I trust and love you always, no matter what. So yes it fucking hurt. I wanted to be friends with Preston. I knew it would never ever happen, but I wished it. He was my best friend. And I couldn't help with his pain because I caused it. So I read. And I hoped. I wished peace and love upon those who wished foul things on me. I saw him in a bookstore once. He saw me and jumped up like he had been stung by a 14 pound bee, and left. I was so excited when he got engaged again. Finally he had someone who could make him happy. I let go of a little guilt because he was happy, or so I thought. How could I know? He didn't trust me enough to speak to him, I couldn't read his journal. I had no warning, and again, I feel at fault. I have been told and will probably continue to be told that it wasn't my fault. Thank you for lying to me. I know it's not all my fault. But I am to blame. That's how I feel, and I can't help it, I can't get over it, and I can't accept anything else. It's my fault. I gave some of the pain he carried around with him. That same pain that ended his life. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to handle it.
So, my normal rapid cycling crap now is all off kilter. I can handle the rapid cycling, the mania and depression. Now I almost pray for mania. I haven't been stuck to one side like this in a very long time. Sure I can play normal for a while hell, I used play normal so well I could kick myself out of this side. Not this time. And not being able to (apparently)do anything about it only makes it worse. J. is walking around on eggshells and feels he's doing things that are wrong because everything seems to make it worse. And it's not his fault. I'm trying desperately to finish out a resume (being stuck and writer's block always go hand in hand for me) so that I can get a real job and get my ass back in school so I can have some form of career.
I really though writing about all of this would make me feel...something. Instead I'm irritated and more stuck. Perhaps I'm wallowing instead of venting or what have you. It doesn't help that I quit nicotine too. That's really smart, huh? I'm already stuck, so let's do something that is known to cause (in most people, especially women and those prone to it) depression. I'm actually doing it this time. Haha funny, right? Nope, actually happening. I'll thank myself later.