witness my life in its infinite glory, you journal, you
"sometimes i get angry, but then there's just so much beauty in the world that my heart swells up like a balloon, and i can't stay mad."
~american beauty. i've loved that movie for a long time, and it's one that i can play most of in my head. i feel like, after all the proclamations of "i'm not like that anymore", i've finally undergone a lester burnham-like change. my life feels so full and not overwhelming but definitely... intense.
yesterday consisted of morning yoga, in which i developed a fantasy about the guy next to me. it was hot, until after the class when i noticed his wedding ring. i don't find cheating sexy. i don't hate the unfaithful the way my brother seems to, i just don't get turned on by the idea of a cuckold and the possibility of things being thrown around upon discovery. the fantasy made me work really hard though, and that part was awesome. bikram!
i did so much xmas shopping with john, it was totally carzy. i'm majorly selfish and materialistic and wanted everything at global connections. i also crave music all the time, possibly because i need an ipod mp3 player. i got home and there was a message that it is my papa (grandfather)'s 74th birthday, with a phone number. i called him and it was. well, it was excruciating, to be honest. i don't like the great divide legacy my mother's left me with, and i really really don't like how quickly i forget any hungarian i ever learn. i kept the tears out of my voice, and they (he and his wife joli, who is not dead but is my step-grandmother technically) asked me if i remember tahi and was i in school and did i want to be and did i want to visit them and when?
i'm crying now, just thinking about it. why i am such a whiner about something i've never really had?
and then i went out with some old friends to a family restaurant, and the owner who looked eerily like papa hugged us each before we left. damn.
then there was conversation which was nice. and then every instance of rape, date- or otherwise, came flooding to haunt me. mostly my friends, honestly, but it just made me feel so impotent. anything i could have done (what?) i didn't do. my dreams were full of things like jen begging me to give her one last "chat" before we never spoke again, and... i just want rapists to spontaneously die. even if they're sorry.
i want to not be insanely self-centered, more genuinely compassionate. i want to watch my papa's freaking slide show of my mom and her sister when they were young and blonde.
~american beauty. i've loved that movie for a long time, and it's one that i can play most of in my head. i feel like, after all the proclamations of "i'm not like that anymore", i've finally undergone a lester burnham-like change. my life feels so full and not overwhelming but definitely... intense.
yesterday consisted of morning yoga, in which i developed a fantasy about the guy next to me. it was hot, until after the class when i noticed his wedding ring. i don't find cheating sexy. i don't hate the unfaithful the way my brother seems to, i just don't get turned on by the idea of a cuckold and the possibility of things being thrown around upon discovery. the fantasy made me work really hard though, and that part was awesome. bikram!
i did so much xmas shopping with john, it was totally carzy. i'm majorly selfish and materialistic and wanted everything at global connections. i also crave music all the time, possibly because i need an ipod mp3 player. i got home and there was a message that it is my papa (grandfather)'s 74th birthday, with a phone number. i called him and it was. well, it was excruciating, to be honest. i don't like the great divide legacy my mother's left me with, and i really really don't like how quickly i forget any hungarian i ever learn. i kept the tears out of my voice, and they (he and his wife joli, who is not dead but is my step-grandmother technically) asked me if i remember tahi and was i in school and did i want to be and did i want to visit them and when?
i'm crying now, just thinking about it. why i am such a whiner about something i've never really had?
and then i went out with some old friends to a family restaurant, and the owner who looked eerily like papa hugged us each before we left. damn.
then there was conversation which was nice. and then every instance of rape, date- or otherwise, came flooding to haunt me. mostly my friends, honestly, but it just made me feel so impotent. anything i could have done (what?) i didn't do. my dreams were full of things like jen begging me to give her one last "chat" before we never spoke again, and... i just want rapists to spontaneously die. even if they're sorry.
i want to not be insanely self-centered, more genuinely compassionate. i want to watch my papa's freaking slide show of my mom and her sister when they were young and blonde.