And so the holidays will always remind me of you

[thumpthisbible]

It's the unknown that kills me the most. It's not that I think it'd work, or that we'd for sure make it. It's the not trying that grates itself against who I am. I'm super decisive. I'm black and white. You do something, or you don't. You will or you won't. Simple as that. But when I have to have a what if, it's that grey area that kills me the most. How come after all these years, it's always you. Why can't I meet someone who makes me forget you? Why can't I get past this? It's really kind of embarassing. I'm a strong guy. I'm not weak. I'm strong phyiscally and mentally. Hell I don't wear gloves to kickboxing because my knuckles are so tough I could punch a brick wall and not gain a scratch. I've been through hell, and more. And I came out of all of it fine. But the what if of love is what kills me. Love is my achillies heel. It makes no sense to me. I hate relying on people, I hate depending on someone else to make me feel good. If I can't make myself happy how can someone else. And you seem so unphased. I think that's the other thing that bothers me. That me, handsome, intelligent, well versed. good job, awesome education, bilingual, attractive me, is but a passing thought. That I'm not enough for the one person I actually care to want me. I write this here because I know you read this once in awhile. Maybe you don't. Part of me hopes that you'll call me and say that you're ready to give us a try, most of me says that that's the booze talking. I am a good man. A strong man. And for some reason, after all these years I can't get over this. I can't find the exit sign. Every time I ask my Yoda 8-ball I get the ambiguous unclear answer. Literally every time. I don't know why I'm writing all this. I feel like I'm crazy saying all this in public, but it's all honest. Why should I be ashamed of expressing how I feel. Better out then in right? I just want a place to belong. A person to belong to. I want two cars and a house and 5 kids and someone to fall asleep with every night and wake up to. But I'd never settle. People say you'll wake up and realize what you've lost. I think I'm the one who needs to wake up, I just can't figure out how to pinch myself awake.

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