I can't believe I came back to Livejournal. I'm so damn depressed, I just repress it.
I am 20 years old right now. My first real boyfriend broke up with me on Febuary 5th, 2011. It's been three months since. I quit my job January 23rd, 2011. It's been almost four month since and I still haven't found another job. I haven't been trying hard enough and the economy in Michigan is a joke. I haven't accomplished much. I've reverted back to my past, I hang out with my old friends. I believe this is because everything I knew for so long had been taken away from me. Our 2 year anniversary would've been yesterday, May 13th. I was so in love and comfortable with him, that when it was over I had to go back to where I started in order to move forward. The only problem is that I haven't really moved forward, I haven't exactly moved on.
I tried being his friend, being there for him when no one else would, but that has all recently come to a hault. I can't be his friend. I can't sit next to him and not want to hold his hand, or kiss his cheek, or lips. We became friends with benefits and everyone knows that never works out. He admitted that he slept with another girl, so we stopped speaking for a while. Then the process repeated itself, and now we are barely speaking again. He lives so close to me now, it's so hard to not think of him or dream of him. Almost every other night he is in my dreams, even when I don't want him there. I've tried to repress him, but my subconcious must always find a way to resurface him one way or another.
I understand why we are not together. We weren't on the same wave length, we're too young, life itself was getting in the way of us. Instead of growing together, we were growing apart. Why must it be this way? I've watched multiple documentaries that have interviewed couples and single people of all kinds and they have all agreed that it is unnatural for humans to be monogomous. If this being so, then why can't we have open relationships without our emotions like jealously, insecurity, and sadness get in the way? I understand that there truly is a whole sea full of fish out there for anyone. There are 6.4 billion people on this planet, so there's bound to be the "right fish" out there for me or for anyone else. Why settle for just one, especially at the age of 20?
Does this mean that life is all about experience and connecting? I think it may be. Only because if it's normal for someone to love another human being unconditionally, go through so much with them, and then have them not feel the same at some random point in the relationship, then it must be that life is about learning and growing from that experience and appreciating the connection you made with them. Although I do believe in this theory, I cannot seem to grasp it. I believe it's due to my broken heart. It is said that time heals all, but I have wasted so much time waiting for this pain to go away, and yet it still exists.
I am lacking inspiration, I am lacking joyfulness, and I am lacking someone to understand me fully. Even he has changed, moved on, and doesn't understand me fully anymore. When I see him, there isn't much to say, because what's left of us is broken. The pieces aren't ever going to be put back together because there's too much damage. As much as I comprehend and agree to the reasons for us being apart, I sometimes wish we could put those pieces back together.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I kissed someone beside him. I haven't since we broke up. It's unfortunately due to the fact that no one wants to be with me in that way. That's what was great about him, he got to see me as more than a friend. What was not so great is that it turns out he didn't like it either. He always says that I put words in his mouth, but really it's just my perception of how he expresses himself to me these days. And honestly, if that's not the truth than we would still be together.
He said that he finally realized he could only trust me, then would tell me he didn't believe me about really minor subjects. I mean what I say and say what I mean with him. I seem to be stuck in a rut, and I know what I need to do to change my unhappy and stuck state. But like I said, I feel destroyed. I don't want to grow up because this was only my first boyfriend, so there's much more heart ache to come. I know this should only make me stronger but it seems to have only made me weaker.
I really just think i'm depressed, because everyday I wake up I just want to hide. I want to runaway. Even though I know it will only magnify my problems. I just need to get out and break free of this prison cell state of mind. I feel like I've been given a depression sentence that I have to serve, because it's required after a break up to feel this way. It's "normal". Well fuck being normal. Why is it so abnormal to want someone by your side? To have your back? Why is it so unnatural to only want one person to be by your side? I wish it wasn't that way, but it is. Maybe one day I will someone who feels the same. In conclusion, it's been three months and I honestly don't know what I've acheived or accomplished. Hopefully the next time I write in here, I will have done something better with my life and have something wonderful to write about.
Sincerely,
Autumn Nicole Albers
I tried being his friend, being there for him when no one else would, but that has all recently come to a hault. I can't be his friend. I can't sit next to him and not want to hold his hand, or kiss his cheek, or lips. We became friends with benefits and everyone knows that never works out. He admitted that he slept with another girl, so we stopped speaking for a while. Then the process repeated itself, and now we are barely speaking again. He lives so close to me now, it's so hard to not think of him or dream of him. Almost every other night he is in my dreams, even when I don't want him there. I've tried to repress him, but my subconcious must always find a way to resurface him one way or another.
I understand why we are not together. We weren't on the same wave length, we're too young, life itself was getting in the way of us. Instead of growing together, we were growing apart. Why must it be this way? I've watched multiple documentaries that have interviewed couples and single people of all kinds and they have all agreed that it is unnatural for humans to be monogomous. If this being so, then why can't we have open relationships without our emotions like jealously, insecurity, and sadness get in the way? I understand that there truly is a whole sea full of fish out there for anyone. There are 6.4 billion people on this planet, so there's bound to be the "right fish" out there for me or for anyone else. Why settle for just one, especially at the age of 20?
Does this mean that life is all about experience and connecting? I think it may be. Only because if it's normal for someone to love another human being unconditionally, go through so much with them, and then have them not feel the same at some random point in the relationship, then it must be that life is about learning and growing from that experience and appreciating the connection you made with them. Although I do believe in this theory, I cannot seem to grasp it. I believe it's due to my broken heart. It is said that time heals all, but I have wasted so much time waiting for this pain to go away, and yet it still exists.
I am lacking inspiration, I am lacking joyfulness, and I am lacking someone to understand me fully. Even he has changed, moved on, and doesn't understand me fully anymore. When I see him, there isn't much to say, because what's left of us is broken. The pieces aren't ever going to be put back together because there's too much damage. As much as I comprehend and agree to the reasons for us being apart, I sometimes wish we could put those pieces back together.
Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I kissed someone beside him. I haven't since we broke up. It's unfortunately due to the fact that no one wants to be with me in that way. That's what was great about him, he got to see me as more than a friend. What was not so great is that it turns out he didn't like it either. He always says that I put words in his mouth, but really it's just my perception of how he expresses himself to me these days. And honestly, if that's not the truth than we would still be together.
He said that he finally realized he could only trust me, then would tell me he didn't believe me about really minor subjects. I mean what I say and say what I mean with him. I seem to be stuck in a rut, and I know what I need to do to change my unhappy and stuck state. But like I said, I feel destroyed. I don't want to grow up because this was only my first boyfriend, so there's much more heart ache to come. I know this should only make me stronger but it seems to have only made me weaker.
I really just think i'm depressed, because everyday I wake up I just want to hide. I want to runaway. Even though I know it will only magnify my problems. I just need to get out and break free of this prison cell state of mind. I feel like I've been given a depression sentence that I have to serve, because it's required after a break up to feel this way. It's "normal". Well fuck being normal. Why is it so abnormal to want someone by your side? To have your back? Why is it so unnatural to only want one person to be by your side? I wish it wasn't that way, but it is. Maybe one day I will someone who feels the same. In conclusion, it's been three months and I honestly don't know what I've acheived or accomplished. Hopefully the next time I write in here, I will have done something better with my life and have something wonderful to write about.
Sincerely,
Autumn Nicole Albers