Yeah, so?
I am a chronic perfectionist and overachiever, born and bred. No way out of that one - not only does it unquestionably run in the family (at least my immediate little branch of it), but I was raised (albeit unintentionally, I'm sure) to think in black and white. Either you were an overachiever or you were a slacker, and that was IT. No middle ground. No days off. I've lived my 19 years and change (and I KNOW I'm not the only one) with this ugly-ass, nagging little voice berating every achievement and asking, "Yes, but couldn't you have done MORE?" And granted, it's gotten me some pretty good places thus far. Education, organizational skills, work ethic, all of that. I don't want to be a hypocrite, so I'm officially taking a moment to genuinely appreciate the perks of this ingrained philosophy.
And now for the "Yes, but..."
Really, I mean REALLY, where has that gotten me? Second-guessing and even berating myself, for starters. Never being satisfied. Confused. Afraid. Discouraged. Angry. Throw in a touch of rebelliousness, and you've got the basic structure. I'm not sure if I wrote about this before, but I got three tests/papers back a week or two ago. The paper was a 95%. One test - which I didn't even know we were having - was an 84%. The other test - a midterm - was 98%, which came with the announcement, "I liked Allison's essay better than my key, so if you have any questions, ask her." And you know what? I was fucking proud of myself. Still am, in fact. When I told my mom those grades, she said, "Oh, good. Wait, an 84%? Better next time." Now, I'm sure most (if not all) of you know that I took a break from school after my first quarter at UCSB and went through some intense shit (which, don't get me wrong, was easily the best thing I've ever done...but utterly shitty nonetheless). Raise your hand if you still can't figure out why.
I have spent my entire life (and like I said, I KNOW I'm not the only one) looking to the next step, constantly bringing in the "Yes, but..." factor. Lately, I've been making major efforts to cultivate my previously nonexistent instinct of self-preservation, and I have to say, it's AWESOME, but 19 years of all this shit ain't going away overnight. Sometimes I have this incredible urge to really fuck something up on purpose just so I can prove to myself that IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.
Whew. I need me some Guns 'n' Roses.
And now for the "Yes, but..."
Really, I mean REALLY, where has that gotten me? Second-guessing and even berating myself, for starters. Never being satisfied. Confused. Afraid. Discouraged. Angry. Throw in a touch of rebelliousness, and you've got the basic structure. I'm not sure if I wrote about this before, but I got three tests/papers back a week or two ago. The paper was a 95%. One test - which I didn't even know we were having - was an 84%. The other test - a midterm - was 98%, which came with the announcement, "I liked Allison's essay better than my key, so if you have any questions, ask her." And you know what? I was fucking proud of myself. Still am, in fact. When I told my mom those grades, she said, "Oh, good. Wait, an 84%? Better next time." Now, I'm sure most (if not all) of you know that I took a break from school after my first quarter at UCSB and went through some intense shit (which, don't get me wrong, was easily the best thing I've ever done...but utterly shitty nonetheless). Raise your hand if you still can't figure out why.
I have spent my entire life (and like I said, I KNOW I'm not the only one) looking to the next step, constantly bringing in the "Yes, but..." factor. Lately, I've been making major efforts to cultivate my previously nonexistent instinct of self-preservation, and I have to say, it's AWESOME, but 19 years of all this shit ain't going away overnight. Sometimes I have this incredible urge to really fuck something up on purpose just so I can prove to myself that IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT.
Whew. I need me some Guns 'n' Roses.