puffy eyed
I finally had these are my real issues talk with my dad. it was awful. I cried most of it. I feel like I'm just letting him down, but of course after everything he still says, I'm so proud of you. He knows that things are more difficult for me than my sisters, and I hate that, because I feel like it shouldn't be, but it really is. the timing was the worse for me, and I hate comparing my situation with theirs, because either way its college, and it's important, and it shouldn't matter. He was wondering if I should maybe transfer to UNH, but I know that wouldn't help at all. I love being on my own, its cheaper for school out here, I just need to start over, find my routine, and start getting my shit together. I know there's been shit outside of school distracting me, but its not even that its distracting me, its more like I'm choosing my real life outside of college to be more important, and making the choice to deal with things instead of going to class. And as much as school should be equally important, its so difficult for me to see it that way. Ever since my mom died it was hard to see school as important as that, or anything else like that. That was like my wake up call that whoa, bigger things in life happen outside of school. And ever since I haven't been able to give school my everything. The only difference between high school and now, is that teachers knew me, and let me slide with things that I will never be able to do in college. And thats a good thing because I need to learn how to get my act together, its just taken over 4 years, and it shouldn't have. It better be taken care of soon, but its something that is much easier said than done. The other issue I wanted to discuss with my dad, but didn't, and won't for awhile, is Joe. I told him a little about Joe's plans, but I wanted to tell him how Joe's plans effect me. Joe isn't reenlisting into the navy like originally planned, because he didn't get the orders for the helo command on Coronado like he wanted, and those are the only available command this month too, so he's decided to get out instead, and use his GI bill to go to school. It's probably the smart thing to do anyway. He will be able to get out of school while he is still young. He wants to go into criminology, and eventually work for the FBI. I told my dad all that, but I didn't tell him Joe was looking at Northern Arizona University, and that I will probably follow where he goes. I also don't know if I want to leave San Diego yet, so Joe and I are going to talk about things in March when he is here on leave. And I'll probably tell him I want to stay here for a year or so, and do community college because we both have to, and then we can move where ever and find a school or two schools near each other that match what we both want. I just don't think my dad would understand how fast things are moving, and if I told him I'd follow Joe where ever he went to school I don't think he'd see it as a good thing. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. If it was after 2 years of dating, I think he'd get the picture. But so far it's only been 4 months even though it feels like we've been together forever. I know everything will work out, and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I regret making the quick decision to come out here for school, because I probably would have eased into it better if I stayed home for the first year or two, but if I hadn't come to SDSU, I would have never met Chloe, and never met Joe, and he is probably the man I spend the rest of my life with, so like I said, everything happens for a reason.