One hour
I figured it probably isn't worth it to try to sleep for a mere hour, even if I'm going to need a little extra energy today. I'm finally putting good use to my board. Oh how I miss the mountains, and the snow. It's hard to remember snow actually exists, especially when it's sunny and 70, with a bit of a breeze.
I don't really have much to say anymore. I wrote in my actual journal the other night, similar to my last entry. A narrative of sorts. But it's slowly slipping away from me. Sometimes, I feel as if part of me is fading, dying if you will. Not just because of my lack of motivation, I mean, we all know thats always been there. There's just something else. Maybe its because I really just don't care. About much. Except making money in order to get the bills paid. I'm mindless until the middle of the month comes around and I've got three days in a row of bills, and my stress rises slightly, until it's over. Maybe that's why my blood pressure was high the other day. I had also gotten really worked up the night before. I don't know. I think sometimes, I'm just expecting something to happen. Bracing for what might just come out of no where. I guess when it happens once, it's necessary to prepare for the chance that something worse can happen. It's not pessimism, it's just reality. And that's all I know how to be, is real. True to me. Taking on fully my responsibilities for the immediate future, because when you see someone's life slip away, you just know there are more important things out there. Living in the moment takes on a fully new meaning. And it's not like I'm partying or going crazy, or really being too reckless, besides the school part. In fact, I'm often the DD, watching out for the girls on my floor, or picking up Nick so he doesn't have to pay for a cab. And I don't mind one bit.
I'm not generous for attention, or to get something good in return either. I want to take care of people. It's my instinct to drop everything I'm doing if it comes to helping someone else, someone I know, someone I care about. I want to have someone to take care of. I want to love someone with the full potential that I know I can, because I can feel it, and I know that I'd be completely loyal and true to someone who loved me too. But I guess that's why I haven't even had a slight interest in anyone. I hardly even find myself flirting, having drunken hookups, or thinking of guys on the floor in that way. Because I haven't found someone that sees how much I can love. hell, no one really knows me here, never mind understanding me.
I was born decades too late. About 7 or so. There's nothing more that I want than to fall in love, get married, and be a mom. I know I'm not ready for all of it right now, financially or mentally, but emotionally it's how I feel. And of course, it's the cool thing to get married later and later these days. I mean, the marriage part is just a ceremony, the more important thing would be to find someone to fall in love with. But what guy, especially in college, especially at SDSU, is thinking something similar to those thoughts at all? Ha!
Sigh. I'm just emotionally ranting, because. And the only thing that I can feel so strong about with my emotions besides the idea of having a family, is music.
And so, I ponder my options for next year, and my future. First step, finding a house to rent, second, get through the semester, third, take a vacation, and then the big decision.
Oh summer, you tease me with nice weather today, but your freedom feels ages away.
I don't really have much to say anymore. I wrote in my actual journal the other night, similar to my last entry. A narrative of sorts. But it's slowly slipping away from me. Sometimes, I feel as if part of me is fading, dying if you will. Not just because of my lack of motivation, I mean, we all know thats always been there. There's just something else. Maybe its because I really just don't care. About much. Except making money in order to get the bills paid. I'm mindless until the middle of the month comes around and I've got three days in a row of bills, and my stress rises slightly, until it's over. Maybe that's why my blood pressure was high the other day. I had also gotten really worked up the night before. I don't know. I think sometimes, I'm just expecting something to happen. Bracing for what might just come out of no where. I guess when it happens once, it's necessary to prepare for the chance that something worse can happen. It's not pessimism, it's just reality. And that's all I know how to be, is real. True to me. Taking on fully my responsibilities for the immediate future, because when you see someone's life slip away, you just know there are more important things out there. Living in the moment takes on a fully new meaning. And it's not like I'm partying or going crazy, or really being too reckless, besides the school part. In fact, I'm often the DD, watching out for the girls on my floor, or picking up Nick so he doesn't have to pay for a cab. And I don't mind one bit.
I'm not generous for attention, or to get something good in return either. I want to take care of people. It's my instinct to drop everything I'm doing if it comes to helping someone else, someone I know, someone I care about. I want to have someone to take care of. I want to love someone with the full potential that I know I can, because I can feel it, and I know that I'd be completely loyal and true to someone who loved me too. But I guess that's why I haven't even had a slight interest in anyone. I hardly even find myself flirting, having drunken hookups, or thinking of guys on the floor in that way. Because I haven't found someone that sees how much I can love. hell, no one really knows me here, never mind understanding me.
I was born decades too late. About 7 or so. There's nothing more that I want than to fall in love, get married, and be a mom. I know I'm not ready for all of it right now, financially or mentally, but emotionally it's how I feel. And of course, it's the cool thing to get married later and later these days. I mean, the marriage part is just a ceremony, the more important thing would be to find someone to fall in love with. But what guy, especially in college, especially at SDSU, is thinking something similar to those thoughts at all? Ha!
Sigh. I'm just emotionally ranting, because. And the only thing that I can feel so strong about with my emotions besides the idea of having a family, is music.
And so, I ponder my options for next year, and my future. First step, finding a house to rent, second, get through the semester, third, take a vacation, and then the big decision.
Oh summer, you tease me with nice weather today, but your freedom feels ages away.