(no subject)
this is the first time ive cried since my uncle died this summer.before that since my grandpas funeral in the winter. Before that i have no idea. what it really boils down to is that i suck. my life sucks. i am pathetic and my life is quite meaningless. i am going nowhere. well, i am , but i dont know where. school is easy, i just hate it. im smart enough, i just grow very bored very easily. i fight with my dad constatnly, but this is nothing new. he still thinks that he is trying to help, but reallyhe is just a closed minded asshole. on top of all this there is still the same thing that has been troubling me for a long time: girls. they obsess me, but are rarely mine. i wish i had someone who lwanted me as much as i wanted them, needed me as much as i need them. who loved me for me. because right now, i dont even love me, and i need a girl who does. i have my frisneds, but sometimes i wonder if i am being taken for granted....Do you ever dream about what people will say about you at your funeral? How many people would show up, what they would wear, who would be there, what there faces looked like as they cried. I wonder this all the friggin time. Or do you ever, when you're driving over railroad tracks, imagine being blindsided by a freight train? the car crushing like a can being stomped on, with you in it. well, i do. i dont know if these are normal thoughts, but i bet they dont cross your mind very often. sometimes its not as much imgining as it is hoping, or wishing. so say the beatles:in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.I just want to love and to be loved. I think we all do, or should anyway. I am not usualy this candid with my inner thoughts, but i havent felt this hopelessly depressed in a while. I just keep thinking how it always boils down down to a girl, and that in the end i jsut reamian a wallflower, someone in her life who she just asumes will be there, and she can do whatever. to be taken for granted.to be to scared to make anything happen, and ahh the old excuse of i dont wanna ruin our frisndship......by not loving you? that makes no fucking sense. But i guess it doesnt have to, life doesnt make any fucking sense, unless the world is supposed to fuck me over sand im supposed to just take it and be ok. well whatever, i say, fuck it.