x heart x fingers [2/5]
If this is what you think is honest, honestly
I think I’m gonna freak out
He’s picking his playlist for Wednesday night’s show when his Blackberry chimes at him. Yeah, he’s actually doing his work early for once instead of slacking off; who knew? Mostly, he just wants something to do instead of staring at his phone wondering why Jess doesn’t text him back. That is most definitely not ballin’, and he’s Gunz. He’s a baller. And if he maybe accidentally puts a couple of Summer Set songs on his playlist it’s by accident. Not like she listens to his show anyway… They talked about maybe getting the band on once or twice, but nothing ever came of it.
Gunz has to stop himself from being annoyed every time Bdales texts him. It’s not Brian’s fault he’s an idiot. It’s not Brian’s fault the one time he meets a girl who’s funny and cute and can drink him under the table and he thinks she actually likes him back he’s completely wrong about it. It just sucks that they’re both in the same band, is all. So it’s not like he can talk to the dude about it. And anyway, Bdales is completely not a baller.
He’s like in love with Stephen Gomez or something; seriously, the Summer Set is the most incestuous band he even knows. John and Josh are kind of a thing, which is cool? So he ignores his phone for a bit. He’s trying to do important stuff, he’s a baller, he’s kind of drunk. Vinny and Ian kicked him out of the living room and Dan’s… doing whatever it is Dan does up in his room by himself. He’s not really in a position to judge since all he does is drink, go to shows and avoid going to class. But it’s like, three o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon and he’s definitely not already thinking about Saturday night because it’s definitely not the first time he’s going to see Jess since they went out.
Christ, he needs more alcohol.
Dan’s in the kitchen making a sandwich. “D. Nick,” he says, looking in the fridge to see if there’s any cold beer. Of course there isn’t; why would there be? “D. Nick, how do you get girls to like you?”
“Hell if I know. Are you still hung up on Jess? You need a hobby or something.”
Gunz bites the inside of his lip. It’s not like he can tell his roommates that this is the first girl he’s ever slept with, okay. As much as he talks a big game, in reality he is… not quite as ballin’ as he’d like to be. They already make fun of him. If they knew he would never hear the end of it. So instead of thinking about it, he opens his beer and takes a long, long drink. “I’m just saying, in general. Girls aren’t exactly lining up to hop on my dick so I must be doing something wrong, you know?”
“Usually girls like it when you treat them like people instead of trying to sleep with them,” Dan suggests unhelpfully. He already knows that part. It’s more the fact that girls tend to, like, laugh at him and give him weird looks. But he’s spent pretty much the last two years of his life trying to get the Gunz Show on the air and trying to get bands to let him interview them on his show, so he missed out on the whole… whatever people who aren’t ballers do in college thing. It’s a pretty big accomplishment that he’s only gone to probably ten classes this whole semester.
“I know girls are people. I’m asking you how to get them to ball with me.”
Dan shakes his head and leaves the room. So much for him being the nice roommate. He’s totally a dick, or something. It’s surprising how many people are dicks to him. He takes another beer with him - for the road, he’s got a lot of work to do, he has a right to be as drunk as he pleases during it - and proceeds to write a pretty decent set of interview questions for that asshole Ferri and his band tomorrow night. It’s great that he can always get Mike Ferri to be on his show, at least, even if he is pretty much the biggest douche in the entire state.
His phone goes off again and he thinks, holy Christ, Bdales, get off my dick.
It’s not a text from Bdales for once. He takes back the dick comment. Mostly because he doesn’t really know how to respond to this text and he’s sitting in his desk chair trying to process this information and, like, holy shit Jess actually wants to talk to him. But it’s also terrifying because general knowledge among ballers is that when chicks say that you ‘need to talk’ it’s a pretty bad thing. So… he doesn’t know. He doesn’t even know.
Show me the door, oh
‘Cause I’m leaving the way I came in
With the mess I made
“Guys, seriously, stop laughing at me,” he complains.
Vinny shakes his head. “You’re an idiot. She’s probably going to ask you to get her band on your show or something, you know that? And you’re sitting here in your underwear freaking out about going to the same dumb bar we always go to. You’re so whipped and she doesn’t even like you.”
“If you wear that shirt you are going to look like an even bigger douchebag than you currently do,” Ian tells him solemnly. “At least put on something less…”
“… less… you,” Vinny finishes for him. Gunz could totally make a comment about the two of them, right there, but he doesn’t. Because holy shit, he has to get downtown in like less than an hour and if he’s late Jess will probably behead him.
He wants Jess to like him so much. He doesn’t even know how he’s supposed to act around her because, like, they slept together. And then she never called him back. She never texted him. She never did anything; she acted like it never happened and the only member of the Summer Set who even texts him now is Bdales and, like, Bdales. Really. He’s so uncool it’s actually embarrassing.
But she actually wants to talk to him. It can’t be all bad, right?
You left me hanging around with all your whack friends
You don’t take me serious
“Oh my god,” Jess says to him. “Let’s just get this over with so I can go home and hate life with Stephen, okay?” They’re sitting in the middle of a Starbucks; there’s not even any alcohol involved and he is just confused because she’s being really hostile towards him and - as far as he knows, anyway, girls are fuckin’ weird - he has hasn’t even done anything?
“Um, okay? So… what did you want to talk about, ‘cause… you kind of haven’t texted me back in a month. And… yeah.”
She glares at him across the table. “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. It’s so embarrassing, Christ, I’m going to say it and then it’s dealt with and it’s over and Stephen will stop yelling at me to do something about this.” She’s even cute when she’s angry. He’s kind of glad, in hindsight, that he decided not to wear one of his Gunz Show shirts. And then she’s looking in her purse for something. Gunz sighs and drinks some of his - sadly - alcohol-free coffee. She could’ve at least spiked it with Bailey’s for him or something.
There’s a long period of awkward silence before she says anything else.
“So I’m pregnant,” she says slowly.
“Okay?”
“Gunz,” she says. “I’m pregnant.”
“… Yeah. Okay. Congratulations?” he says hesitantly. How the fuck is he supposed to react here? He doesn’t even know. Why is she telling him this? And then she’s punching him in the shoulder and it hurts and he doesn’t know what he said wrong and she’s just really angry at him. Girls, he thinks, are really fucking crazy sometimes.
“It’s your fault.”
How can it be his - Oh. Oh. And that is really, really not ballin’ at all. “Oh. Uh. Wait. Are you, like, sure?” That’s probably the biggest asshole question he’s ever asked someone, but he needs to know. Like. This is the first girl he’s ever slept with, okay, these things typically don’t happen. They don’t happen to people he knows. They happen to people on television and, like, Jersey Shore. And Jerry Springer.
“I hate you,” Jess growls.
“Shit, Jess. What are we going to do?”
She punches him again. Ow. “There is no we here. I don’t want to have anything to do with you but now I guess I’m stuck with you since you are an idiot and can’t figure out how a goddamn condom works.” He probably deserves to be yelled at since he did everything wrong and now she hates him. Pregnant. She’s pregnant. That is…
“I don’t want you to hate me though. Like. If you’re pregnant.”
“Oh my god, I am not even having this conversation with you. You’re an asshole. I just thought you should know it’s your fault I cannot drink for the next eight months.” Which, admittedly, is a really shitty thing. If he didn’t think she would hit him again, he would hug her. Or something. Are you even supposed to hug girls when they’re angry and pregnant and it’s your fault? He’s pretty sure he’s not supposed to let her just walk out when she does, but he doesn’t know what to say and he thinks he’s not supposed to be excited about the fact that she’s having a baby but, you know.
He really doesn’t even know.
Holy Christ, a baby. Like, that’s half his. It was a big enough mindfuck that a girl actually slept with him. So it’s probably a bad thing that he’s halfway excited about it. But it’s half him and that’s really weird and it’s half Jess and, like, she’s the coolest chick ever. The thing is, if he tells his parents about this they’re going to want to meet her. She’s not going to like that. And he can’t tell them if she doesn’t even like him. They’ll be all, like, excited and want to help out and Jess will be like no. Fuuuuuuck.
I found out finding out isn’t the worst part
Don’t believe it’s just me
Jess still doesn’t answer most of his texts, but it’s okay.
He can kind of understand how she’s pissed at him because, like, she can’t really do anything now. But now that the initial shock is done he’s actually excited about this - it’s weird that there’s going to be this little baller in the world that’s like basically half him but it’s so cool - and he’s maybe hoping that eventually she’ll stop being mad at him.
He texts her, ‘will u snd me pix of ur stomach’ and she replies ‘wtf gunz that’s gross’. He just wants to see, okay. He’s kind of working up to telling his parents since… you know, they’ll probably want to know that they’re going to be grandparents in about nine months, give or take.
‘Srsly i will snd u some of mine to make it fair’, he says. It’s not like it’s a sex thing. There’s a fuckin’ baby in there, that is so ballin’. He’s even been trying to drink less to make that fair, too. Vinny and Ian keep looking at him like he’s grown an extra head or something. He hasn’t actually told anybody yet. He’s excited, but he doesn’t really know how to tell them he kind of got a girl pregnant and, oh hey, she’s kind of like the only person he’s ever slept with. That’s awkward.
‘Go find someone else to give you wank material, ask bdales…’
Gunz actually laughs at that one. Mostly because he can’t imagine Bdales being wank material for anyone. Somehow a couple of weeks slip by unnoticed and suddenly Jess is telling him that she’s three months pregnant, she still hates him and Brian sends him pictures of all the baby junk they’re looking at. He kind of wonders if it would be weird if he sort of… dropped by the apartment or something, just to see how she’s doing, if she needs anything, if she’ll meet his parents since she’s kind of having his kid…
Do you really even have a clue?
You’re not quite Satan but I really think I hate you
The worst part is having to meet Gunz’s parents.
Mostly this is because he actually has parents and they’re nice and non-scary. For some reason Jess was picturing them as older versions of Gunz and being raging alcoholics. But they’re shockingly normal; his mom dresses like a mom from a sitcom and his dad is into sports and all that kind of thing. Stephen has been making fun of her for weeks and she can’t even wear real pants without feeling uncomfortable. Not so much because she’s gaining a significant amount of weight yet but because she’s paranoid about that happening.
And the Gunzelmans are just so nice and normal. Mrs. Gunz keeps asking if she needs anything for the baby and she feels really awkward refusing since she’s offering to help out with all kinds of shit. “No, seriously, it’s fine,” she says. “I’ll be okay. It’s cool.” Gunz keeps trying to hold her hand and she could honestly hit him right now. “Would you stop,” she hisses in his ear.
“Sorry,” he says sheepishly. “Could you at least pretend to like me? I kind of let them think we were, like, together so they wouldn’t freak out and disinherit me.”
“I am going to hurt you,” Jess growls. But then she lets him hold her hand and it’s almost nice for a second; it would be nice if he weren’t, well, him.. It’s been a long time since someone just held her hand - like, high school. Stephen and Brian don’t count because they’re like her brothers Family doesn’t count So she lets Gunz hold her stupid hand and feels awkward the whole time his mother is fawning over her and offering to buy her a bunch of baby stuff. The sad thing is he looks totally thrilled that this is happening.
He keeps saying all this nice stuff about her and it’s so embarrassing. Maybe if she wishes hard enough the floor will open up and swallow her whole. It’s fucking irritating having Gunz hang all over her and she wants to go home already; she feels pukey and bloated and she wants a nap. Plus, her tits hurt. By the time she gets home, she’s been given about a million coupons for diapers and baby formula and other shit - Mrs. Gunz is into ‘extreme couponing’ so she will apparently never want for coupons ever again - and she’s generally irritable and tired.
Gunz tries to hug her in front of her apartment building so she punches him in the gut. “Seriously,” she grumbles. He is the absolute last person she wants to touch her right now since this situation is kind of all his fault. Then she sighs - she feels a little bad about hitting him, she’s not a horrible person - and tells him, “I have a doctor’s appointment on Friday morning. In case you, like, want to send your mother pictures from the ultrasound or something.”
“That would be ballin’,” he says. “I’ll text you.”
Jess spends the rest of the afternoon lying in bed massaging her breasts because they hurt. This is worse than having PMS. At least with PMS it goes away after a while. This is only going to get worse and she’s going to get huge. She’s going to look like a walrus. And not even a cute walrus - like, a huge, giant, angry one that roars at everything and flops all over because it’s too fat to move. Pretty soon she’s not even going to be able to play her drums because it could hurt the baby.
It’s kind of weird that in a few days she’s going to see the baby on a screen doing, like, fetus stuff. It’s probably going to look like an alien. Stephen said he’d go with her, though, so at least she doesn’t have to do it by herself the first time. Mostly right now she wishes she had someone to give her a massage. Every time she asks, Stephen bitches and says he doesn’t do feet. Well, fine. She can just crush him with her massive pregnant belly once she gets huge and that will be her payback.
Jess is definitely lacking the nesting instinct, thus far. She doesn’t feel any desire to clean things or pet soft things or whatever mothers-to-be do. She just wants to hit things and yell a lot because being pregnant is terrible. And sometimes, she wants a hug but no one will hug her because they’re afraid she’s going to have another mood swing and punch them or something.
Maybe she should have let him hug her after all and saved it for later. Except… gross. Who wants to hug Gunz? He smells like the urinals at Angels and Kings at the end of a typical Saturday.
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