ii - i will play my game beneath the spin light
The first time Dan talks to Evan, it does not go well.
Five minutes into their heated conversation about which video game is the best one - Ocarina of Time will always be the best, Dan would fucking marry someone if they could beat it - Evan announces, casually, “You’re going to be my mate, you know.” Dan looks at him and laughs. Which apparently is the wrong response, because Evan’s face falls and then he immediately gets this feeling in his gut like he just kicked a cute little puppy dog. That’s wrong, though. Evan isn’t cute. He’s annoying and embarrassing and lame. Lame, lame, lame. And Dan doesn’t even like guys.
“Um,” Dan says in response. He can feel himself going progressively redder. Embarrassment does not bode well with him. “You’re stupid,” he says. He leaves the room so he doesn’t have to look at Evan’s sad face anymore. It makes him feel bad and clench-y inside. Why does he have to be so weird, anyway? Dan was almost going to think that he was awesome, and then he had to go and say that stupid thing and make everything all awkward between them. He goes into the den instead.
Cassadee says, “You didn’t have to be so mean.” Rian nods in silent agreement, barely looking up from the finance section of the newspaper. He’s got one arm curled protectively around her; she’s leaned into him on the couch, baby bump just barely showing under her flowy top. That is true love. Dan politely looks away when they kiss. She says, “He can’t help it. He’s young.”
Dan wants to say something about how Evan is weird and embarrassing, regardless of age, but in the interest of not making his new pack leader hate him, he bites his tongue. He goes to bed feeling prickly and resentful. Then, once he’s settled into his unfamiliar bed, he finds himself restless, so he jerks off until he’s too tired to move and pretends not to have thought about what he just did. When he sleeps now, most of his dreams are incredibly tactile; he dreams of fightingfuckingtouchingkissingsex. He pretends not to know who they’re about.
*
The next day, it’s cold. It’s the kind of cold that sinks into his bones and spreads ice over his nice warm veins and arteries. He’s stumbling out of his bedroom when he crashes into Evan in the front hallway. “Ow,” he says.
Evan looks at him, bites his lip, says “Sorry” in the tiniest voice imaginable. He’s got his bag; he must be going out.
Without really thinking about it Dan shrugs out of his warm hoodie and pushes it into Evan’s hands. “Take that, it’s cold outside,” he grumbles. He doesn’t know why he cares so much about Evan being cold. He doesn’t know why his stomach twists when Evan puts it on with an embarrassed smile. It’s just better.
*
When Evan comes home it’s late and Dan is mostly asleep in bed. Mostly because no matter how hard he tries, he can’t actually seem to make himself fall asleep. Part of his brain has decided that it’s a great idea to develop a stupid fucking obsession with Evan so he’s thinking about that, how stupid Evan’s haircut is, and his dorky smile, and the fact that he actually thinks that Final Fantasy is better than Zelda. He pretends to be asleep when Evan peeks into his bedroom, spilling light across the floor in a narrow beam. He pretends to be asleep when Evan creeps across the carpet and places his hoodie, neatly folded, at the foot of his bed.
He holds his breath when Evan touches his cheek lightly and whispers, “Goodnight, Dan” before sneaking out of the room just as quietly as he entered it. Now his heart is racing. His skin feels warm and tingly all over; it’s like being on drugs, only better.
To make the tingling stop he strips out of his clothes and crawls back under the covers, pulling the duvet tight around his shoulders. It’s so hot. His skin is slick with sweat. Maybe he is in heat. They said about that, about being a new werewolf, how he would feel horny all the time. He ignores the part where Jeff Maker told him, with a knowing smile, that when he found his mate it would be even worse, pointless to resist, and that when they found each other he would just know. He ignores the fact that his body has been begging him for sex for three days now. He ignores the tightening sensation of his skin every time Evan enters a room, the fact that he can’t breathe.
Dan doesn’t want Evan. He’s embarrassing, weird, lame. It’s not fair that whenever they’re in a room together, Evan is the only thing he sees. He doesn’t even know if he’d rather punch the kid or… No, he’s not going to think about that. He jerks off, bites the inside of his cheek when he comes. He wanted to be a werewolf. He didn’t want this.
*
“Matt, hold still,” Danny says, pointing his camera at his boyfriend’s face. They are in the middle of the rec room, wrestling on the floor. It’s pretty obvious how completely in love they are. When Danny doesn’t get what he wants, he pouts until Matt sits up and kisses him.
This time Dan doesn’t look away. He glances sidelong at Evan, perched an appropriate distance away from him on the couch, and sighs. He wonders if they are as obsessed with each other as Evan seems to be with him, if it’s like that for everyone, how to make it stop.
He goes outside and lights a cigarette so he can stand on the balcony and look at the stars.
Jeff comes out a few minutes later. “You’re going to give yourself cancer,” he says. Dan laughs. His body undoes the damage to his lungs in the time between one drag and the next; it’s a good joke. They both know Jeff is not out there to lecture him about chain-smoking.
“Spare me the lecture, okay?” he sighs. He’s doing a lot of sighing lately, between sighing when Evan follows him around the house and pesters him and sighing when he catches himself staring and sighing whenever Rian looks at the two of them and smiles condescendingly. Dan would totally punch Rian in the face if he weren’t alpha. He’d punch everyone in the face for implying that he’s actually enjoying this if he thought he could get away with it.
That’s another reason to add to his list of reasons he and Evan would be horrible together. He has a temper.
He hates the smirk on Jeff’s face. “You’re obsessed with him.”
“I am not obsessed,” he protests. “I hate him. He’s weird. Jeff, he’s embarrassing.” He’s not looking back into the house because Matt and Evan are wrestling on the couch. The hot, acidic feeling churning around in his stomach is not jealousy. When Danny eggs them on and suddenly Matt has Evan pinned to the ground and their faces are just inches apart, something snaps painfully in his chest. He punches through the single-pane window looking into the rec room. It’s just a coincidence.
His knuckles are cut up and bloody and there are bits of glass stuck in the wounds. Evan flies out the door looking so concerned it hurts. “Hey, are you okay? Dan, Dan, are you okay, are you…?”
Dan jerks his hand away and growls, “Evan, I’m fine. Go away.” He brushes past the younger man, resolutely ignoring the hurt expression on his face and goes to his room. He slams the door. Then, once the skin on his knuckles has knit itself back together, he lies in bed and jerks off. He ignores the hot, angry tears that he can’t hold back and the dull ache in his chest.
*
They watch a movie a few days later, the entire pack all squished into one room together, including a couple of people Dan has never met before. Two of them are named Alex and they’re dating each other; Rian tells him in a low whisper that they’re not official members of the pack, but, “They’re good dudes to have around.”
He tries not to be hyperaware of Evan sitting next to him, but he swears he can hear his heartbeat louder than anyone else’s. The itch under his skin is more obvious in such close proximity, buzzing around shooting tingles all over his body whenever their knees bump accidentally. It seems like an awful lot of accidents for one night. Every time Evan shifts on the couch, it annoys him, so eventually he gets pissed off and hisses, “Will you stop that.”
“Sorry,” Evan whispers softly. He scoots over so that none of their body parts touch.
Dan counts to two hundred and forty-seven and still feels like all the air has been sucked out of his lungs. He fakes a yawn, stretches his arms and places one of them on the back of the couch carefully. He counts to one hundred and fifty before it’s safe to let his arm drop, slowyslowlyslowly, until it’s resting on Evan’s shoulders. Because, like. He’s paying attention to the movie and not what his arm is doing, so even if he’s wrong and this is going to be totally awkward, all Evan has to do is shrug his arm off and he won’t do it again.
Evan makes a tiny surprised noise and leans into his side. He’s warm, like a dorky little space heater, tucked safely under Dan’s arm. They stay awake later than anyone, watching old reruns of South Park. Evan snorts when he laughs. “I am going outside to smoke,” Dan says quietly after a while.
“Okay. Goodnight.” On the porch, Dan realizes he has no idea what the name of the movie was. Fuck.
*
Dan is trying to fix his laptop and Evan is helping. Actually helping, not pestering and being annoying. Jeff walks by them and shakes his head, mutters “Young love…” under his breath. Dan does not blush when Evan’s hand brushes his own reaching for one of the teeny, tiny screwdrivers they’re using. He’s too busy listening to the detailed explanation of why they need to plug his hard drive into a different machine if he wants to save any of his data and wondering how the hell Evan knows how to do it all.
“You’re such a dweeb,” he says. “Why do you even know this stuff?”
Evan frowns. “I like computers. I like knowing how things work.” He pulls the cover off of Dan’s laptop looking vaguely triumphant. Then, he says very matter-of-factly, “I know you’re falling in love with me. I can smell the pheromones coming off you from a mile away. You like me, Dan Nickleski. You just don’t want to admit it yet.” He grins widely and reaches for another tiny screwdriver.
Dan does not say anything about this. He punches Evan in the shoulder and goes, “Stop being so annoying and fix my computer for me.” Okay, so maybe he is blushing a little bit. He’s allowed. After all, he is the one who has to suffer through the dirtyhot dreams about this night after night. It is a little surprising that his dick hasn’t fallen off yet.
*
Matt is the one who tells him, “It’s okay if you like Evan, you know,” and pats his shoulder sympathetically.
Dan pretends not to know what he’s talking about. Out of the corner of his eye he is watching Evan and Jeff play Guitar Hero and he rolls his eyes every time Evan wins because he does this really awkward dance that is the most embarrassing thing ever.
*
He wakes up around three a.m., hot and itchy. He needs… he just needs. So he rolls out of bed, pulls on a pair of pajama pants and tiptoes down the hallway, barely breathing. He stands there with his hand on the doorknob for a good five minutes, unsure if he should knock or just walk in or what. Finally he settles for walking in, kneeling by the side of the bed. “Evan,” he whispers. “Evan. Are you awake?”
“Am now,” the blonde mumbles groggily. “Dan. Hi.”
He moves his fingers over Evan’s cheekbone hesitantly. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. The small contact makes the buzzing under his skin stop. “Hi,” he says back. In the dreams he’s usually a lot more confident than this. Sexy. Dream-Dan is totally sexy. Reality-Dan goes stupid as soon as Evan looks at him and says his name. This is not even fair. Evan touches his wrist with just fingertips, sleepily searching for his hand.
“Why’re you in here?”
“I just…” Dan sighs. He doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs. Fuck, he doesn’t even know what he needs. “Sorry,” he whispers. Then - before he can do something stupid like change his mind - he darts forward and presses his lips to Evan’s. It’s nicer than he thought it’d be; he was kind of expecting to hate it when Evan kisses back, curling one hand around to the back of his neck.
Somehow he gets so caught up in the dance of lips and tongue that he ends up in Evan’s bed hard, flushed and panting. Oh God, he wants this. “Don’t be sorry,” Evan breathes in his ear. Then, he puts his tongue in Dan’s ear and to be really honest Dan never understood why anyone would want someone’s tongue in their ear before, but clearly he was delusional. It’s maybe a little bit ridiculous and a lot sexy. His skin is hot and slick with sweat.
Fear grips him all of a sudden - fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fearfearfear crawling all over him. He says, “I should go.”
To this, Evan replies, “I love you.”
He says, “I know.” He kisses Evan’s forehead and strips out of his pajama pants, too warm to stand wearing them any longer. They fall asleep a mass of sweaty limbs tangled together, skin whispering secrets all nights where words fail them.
*
Jeff smiles knowingly at them when he passes by the rec room. Evan is writing a paper for one of his classes, some complicated thing with graphs and numbers. It’s a pain in the ass. He’s so focused on what he’s doing that he’s scrunching his nose up and muttering formulas under his breath.
Dan says, “You are a dork.”
He pushes his nose against Evan’s neck, mouthing at the skin softly. Evan sighs and pushes him away. “I’m trying to write a paper and you keep distracting me. This is important.”
“Fine.” He moves his feet out of Evan’s lap and stands up sulkily. “I hate you anyway. You’re lame. I don’t even know why I tried to like you.” He stomps out of the room. Today is an irritable day; the full moon is in two days and everyone is on edge, snapping at each other and trying to stay out of Rian’s way because he is an utter nightmare. No one will say why, but it’s making everyone bitchy and annoying.
So, Dan goes out to the balcony and chain-smokes. He does not think about how his heart ached when Evan pushed him away just now. Fuck that. It’s not like he cares about the annoying little jerk. They’re kind of having sex or whatever. No strings attached.
*
The day before the change, Evan and Vinny have a fight. It’s this stupid shitty argument over something that happened to them in high school, long before Dan was around, long before any of them were turned. But as soon as Dan hears raised voices and senses Evan’s anger, he can’t resist the urge to go running and break up the fight. When he sees Vinny tackle Evan to the ground, a deep, guttural growl escapes him.
“Let him go,” he says, grabbing the back of Vinny’s shirt and hauling him backwards roughly.
Vinny tells him to fuck off. Evan glares at him and tells him, “Go away, Dan. I can fight my own fucking battles. You’ve made it clear you’re not interested so save your breath.” Just like that, Dan can feel himself wilting. He was already on edge; everyone fighting made it worse and now he really wants to run from everything before he can do anything stupid. He runs to his bedroom, rips open the closet door so hard it comes loose from one of its hinges, gets his backpack out and starts throwing clothes into it. He doesn’t even care if they are clean or dirty.
Tears slide down his cheeks. Someone pounds on his door. He shouts, “Leave me alone.” He puts his fist neatly through the drywall and doesn’t feel any better. The pounding on the door does not stop. It just gets louder, more insistent, then gets replaced by the boom of someone throwing their entire body against it. He repeats, “Leave me alone.”
Evan finally breaks the lock on the door and slams through it. He grabs the front of Dan’s shirt and says, “I fucking hate you.” Dan, for once, does not fight back. He sits in the middle of the floor meekly, just taking it as Evan pounds the shit out of him, curses at him, screams at him. “Fuck! Why aren’t you fighting back?”
“I love you.”
Evan pins him, breathing hard. “No. Fuck you. Say that again.”
Dan says, “I love you.” He closes his eyes, waits for the cheap shot in the chest or maybe the jaw, and it never comes. What comes is the hard, desperate press of Evan’s lips on his, hands twisting in his shirt, trying to pull it off, pleas for him not to leave. “I love you,” he says again. “You’re annoying and clingy and needy and so incredibly fucking lame. I hate that I love you so much.”
“You are an asshole.” Evan’s grip on him loosens only slightly. “Don’t you ever try to leave me again; I swear to God I’ll kill you with my bare hands if you try to leave. I’d die if you left. I’m obsessed with you. I need you.”
The words come so easily this time. “I love you. I want you.”
“What are you saying?” He doesn’t say it. He’s afraid to. Actually saying the words is a lot different than just thinking them in his head. Evan kisses him again, swallowing the little noises he makes and the words when he tries to promise he won’t leave.
*
He says it that night, before they have sex. Before they are even in bed; they are in the den with the rest of the pack and he decides that he wants to say it right there. He clears his throat awkwardly. Everyone looks at him. It’s probably obvious what he is going to say - Evan’s head is in his lap and he’s just half-there because he’s too content to care about anyone else - but it is still a big moment, nonetheless.
Dan says, in front of everyone, “I want you to be my mate.”
“Okay.” Evan sits up so they can kiss. It’s still kind of lame and embarrassing that they are doing this, but Evan is his weird, embarrassing problem to deal with, and he will totally punch anyone else if they make fun of him. He doesn’t like it when people hurt Evan’s feelings. After a minute, Evan says, “I told you so.”
“Shut up.” He directs it more at Jeff, who just grins. Smug bastard.
Evan cuddles up to him and kisses his cheek. “You probably don’t know this because you’re new, but. Jeff Maker knows everything. He is a total gossip.” Vaguely, Dan wonders if this is the part where he is supposed to ask Evan to wear his letterman’s jacket or something, but he doesn’t because that is weird and lame. Rian beams at both of them. This is his pack. This is his family. They’re all a little embarrassing, but he will learn to love them.
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