I Love You, I Love You, I Love you (JunMa) Part Two
Part One
“Oops.” Jun says as he notices that the restaurant he’d picked for dinner was closed, he looked at the timings of the restaurant plastered on the door.
“8 am to 11 pm” It said and Jun checked his watch to see that it was almost midnight.
He smiled sheepishly at Toma who grunts annoyed.
“Dinner would work so much better if you weren’t such a night creature.”
And Jun raises an eyebrow at the insult, “Night creature?” Toma grunts again as though to say ‘yeah, you heard me’
Jun looks unfazed and way too dressed up for middle of the night outings. OR maybe he just stands out naturally. Toma doubts he would shine so much in skinny jeans, red T-shirt and a jacket with 69 written on the back in glittered lettered.
He looked at the fedora on Jun’s head and decided he’d never wear so much stuff. Heck he doesn’t even own so much stuff he realizes as he looks at the shirt he’s wearing, the one he got when he went to Shun’s radio show the third time, and baggy jeans. It’s not like individual pieces of Jun’s ensemble was particularly loud. It was just how he threw them together and to some extent he realized, as Jun strutted in front of him, how he carried them around.
Jun points at a small yakiniku shop, it almost looked like a stall since most of the chairs were outside the small shop.
“Aren’t you a little overdressed for that place?” Toma asks because damn Jun could go to a club like this and no one would bat an eyelid.
“No, you’re just underdressed.” Jun says confidently and Toma sighs.
Typical.
Jun orders two beers for them and looks at his watch as he holds his glass up
“Right on time.” He says happily and Toma is a little confused but he raises his glass as well.
“For what?”
“Happy birthday! Kampai!” Jun says as he clinks his glass to Toma’s and Toma completely forgets to say it back because it suddenly dawns on him why they’re out so late. He isn’t the type to forget his own birthday because he’s the kind that gets excited over it for weeks before, only he’s been so busy and its all very hectic after Hana Kimi that sometimes he just doesn’t get it. He feels almost bad for the night creature comment. Almost because it’s true despite it being undeserved tonight particularly but still usually that was the case.
Jun seems unfazed at his lack of response as he gulps his beer down happily, “You know you still owe me something.” He says with a mischievous glint of his eyes, “And a reminder is my present to you.”
Toma wants Jun to elaborate except he doesn’t, preferring to silently eat his yakiniku than converse with Toma because all Toma can say is ‘what?” and “What!” and “WHAT?”
Toma gives up eventually and Jun makes this weird noise of victory and tells him about how Aiba tried to bake him a cake during his own birthday. The chunks of mapo tofu in the sweet chocolate cake mix sending shivers through Jun’s spine.
Toma wakes up next morning to find an issue of the latest wink up delivered to his doorstep. He would have bought a copy soon anyway and finds it a convenient gift because there is a post it on top that says, “Happy Birthday”
There is also a post it that marks the dengonban page and he opens it curiously only to find hearts drawn around Jun’s picture that says “To Toma” beside it. Toma reads, heart fluttering because really that is very sweet and thoughtful except when he actually finishes reading the message:
“You still owe me for the taxi fare.”
Typical. Too typical.
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Wild nights out are fun, very fun until you lose at janken and are forced to be the designated driver. Toma sighs as he watches Yamapi take his shirt off and twirl it above his head with a screech as girls surround him touching his chest and Toma doesn’t get what exactly they find sexy about what Yamapi is doing.
Yes, when you are the designated driver, wild nights out are very very pathetic. They’d usually take cabs home so that there is no designated driver, just a less drunk person who can co ordinate stuff like hauling taxis and remembering addresses and making sure all clothes are in the right place. Yamapi tends to be a stripper drunk.
Toma lounges back onto the sofa because everyone else had abandoned it to go dancing and wonders why there was a designated driver in the first place and suddenly there is an odd weight across the lower half of his body as Jun drapes himself over Toma. That’s right he remembers now, because MatsuJun wanted to bar hop.
Toma sighs just trying to remind himself that his friend was drunk and is not completely responsible for whatever stupid thing will come out of his mouth next and so must not be killed or castrated (whatever causes the receiver the more anguish really) for it. Except when MatsuJun sidles up to level his face with Toma’s and smiles in this lewd way.
“Another bar?” And his face droops at Toma’s stern expression, “Please?”
This was the fourth bar that has seen Yamapi’s torso (and third to see his thighs before Toma pulled his pants up) and Toma is not having a second more of this because he was bored. The first two bars were okay because he was dancing and there were nice friendly girls ready to press up against him but he was tired and sleepy without the constant supply of alcohol to keep him rejuvenated.
“Oh come on…” MatsuJun whines and brings his face closer and Toma tries to press further into the sofa making a gesture of retracting although he doesn’t really go very far from Jun’s face, “Just one more.” It comes out as a low rumble and MatsuJun smells like a mix of tequila and vodka, Toma wonders if his lips would taste of the spice of those drinks before he remembers he’s not drunk and hence not supposed to think like that.
“Matsujun we’re going home!” And at ‘home’ Toma gives MatsuJun a hard shove so that he rolls off Toma and falls. Toma has a feeling that it has to do more with poor muscle co-ordination and a flare for the dramatics rather than Toma’s strength and so he doesn’t bother to help MatsuJun up.
“It’s Jun.”
“What?” Had MatsuJun gone nuts and forgotten his own name? Was that fall down really that hard? Toma actually peered from across the edge of the sofa to the slightly dazed man sprawling on the floor.
“It’s Jun. Not MatsuJun.” He slurred and Toma’s went wide-eyed at the sudden request.
Jun scrambled on the floor awhile before sitting with his head resting against the sofa seat, “Call me Jun.” He said softly looking into Toma’s eyes and Toma stiffened from where he was lying on the sofa.
Toma hesitated a bit, not really understanding what was happening, “Jun…” He said in a whisper and Jun’s face broke into a happy smile. He chuckled and Toma rolled his eyes as Jun was back to his inebriated antics. Jun stumbled up and lifted Toma’s hand, pulling on it as an indication that Toma should also sit up.
“Let’s go home now.”
Toma refrained from asking who’s as he follows Jun’s lead.
At that moment it seemed as though it wasn’t very relevant.
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“I saw Miopan yesterday.” Jun started
And Toma’s smile faltered for a moment before coming back on full force, “Oh?” He said suddenly concentrating full force on the movie as he munched on the popcorn.
“You said you liked me.” Jun half whispered to the wall on the other side of him.
Toma cleared his throat; an air of awkwardness settling around them, no matter how hard he stared at the screen he could feel what Jun was getting at. They’d both pretended that nothing had happened at the concert. To some extent Toma had started to think of it as a drunken mistake, although he hadn’t gone near to any other alcohol other than the scotch for nerves that Yamapi had given him right before he went on stage.
Toma laughed, hoping that it didn’t sound as forced to Jun as it did to him, “I do like you because you’re a great friend.” Toma said, very fast almost as though to cover up the fact that the clause he gave wasn’t completely honest. But Jun doesn’t notice the hitch of breath as Toma had said it and nods, now looking at his hands clasped in his lap.
“Thanks.” He says and reaches out to grapple around the space between them for the popcorn bowl.
And Toma wants to accuse Jun of something, at least hold him responsible for the awkwardness that now exists between them because he wasn’t running away from Jun. Jun ran away from him. Jun created a huge big question between them then ran away, got a girlfriend and called him up the next day to have a passionate conversation about acting over a friendly round of drinks and a friendly plate of takoyaki and it all seemed a little unfair how he was cornered on that show and how he couldn’t not say it. How hard it was to keep smiling in that nonchalant and damned friendly way as he said it.
The image of Jun and his cowardice right behind his eyes, egging on tears that he wouldn’t allow himself to shed.
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Jun was happy that Arashi had been allowed to host the countdown of 2007. It was always such a huge honor but that means the senior staff had told them the big surprise when they were handed the order of performances.
He had seen how Toma fought the internal battle of anguish at Yamapi’s loss and the flicker of hope that the suspension of NewS had brought. He’d seen Toma be the best friend that he’d been to everyone, not anticipating reward or benefits and knowing that NewS would be starting afresh and that sliver of hope that Toma’s allowed himself to have, the sliver that Jun’s allowed himself to have for Toma’s sake, for Toma’s happiness would again disappear pained Jun beyond anything else. Everytime he’d see NewS on the list, there’d be a pang in his chest like somehow announcing their return was akin to supporting their return. It was not that he didn’t support his fellow agency members, not that he doubted Toma would support them. But sometimes to be truly happy, a few selfish thoughts would creep up.
And Jun interviewed Toma with a light step and a happy smile, asking him about his year plans and knowing that a few moments later he’d announce something that would simultaneously give Toma joy and cause him pain, not pain. Maybe a dull thud of remembrance, like suddenly finding the scar of a forgotten wound.
And when he announces NewS’s he tries to find Toma out from those that are visible in the backstage from on stage. And he finds him, clapping wildly and raising a thumbs up in Yamashita’s general vicinity and Jun feels a little stupid for having ever doubted that Toma would be anything but wholeheartedly happy.
He doesn’t know perhaps that Toma knew, from a very long time, in fact he was the only other person outside NewS who did because Yamapi told him in a blur of uncontained excitement and Toma had let go gradually of selfish desires and forgotten wounds.
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Toma didn’t really get where she was trying to go with her little game. But when she asked him to tell Jun he really liked him with a giddy, almost high smile he knew she just wanted some fan service. He half wished that one of the colours had witched. Telling Jun he liked him hit too close to home. In fact he had been wanting to say it for quite sometime. Shout it from rooftops until he realized there was nothing there to shout out for. Jun had been ignoring him, turning away, changing subjects and finally two days later Yamapi calls him and tells him that Jun is seeing someone.
Toma is left thinking if he’d imagined the countdown, if maybe somehow something suppressed over the years had found an outlet and had gone crazy with it but he looks to the camera, all smiles and giggly as he says it.
“Matsujun, I really like you.”
And she tittered happily and Toma tries to channel some of her enthusiasm into himself but it just turns into a slightly awkward, “what?” and she shakes her head as though to say ‘no big deal’ and Toma lets it drop.
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Toma realizes that he’s really been missing out once he’s gotten a little bit of the stage. It’s exhilarating and liberating under all those adoring gazes and shout outs, he really feels alive. Like he’s in free-fall.
He gets to go on again, he gets to feel this twice without a band, without a song, without a debut and there is gratefulness that creep up his neck along with the blush of exhaustion.
And as Yamashita’s hand grip into his waist he really he has his slice of dream right here. He doesn’t need it regularly although it can get addicting enough to want it so much but in reality this much is fine, a little taste of this happiness of sharing, of leaning into a person as they harmonize in song, lose themselves in each other in the melody that envelops them and suddenly there’s a hand that waves in front of his face and he realizes that its better than any dream because Jun is here.
His voice falters momentarily as he extricates himself from the world of Yamashita and Toma that he had lost himself in for a while there but it’s easily masked over by all the voices that accompany him. He laughs at Jun, confident that no one really cares and he can enjoy that too, having both his best friends up here right beside him, supporting him.
Like they always have. He remembers and his chest tightens as it all becomes a bit much, like everything compels him to burst into tears. The nostalgia had fueled all the emotions that he’s ever been capable of feeling.
And as he runs offstage Jun’s hand in his and a grip on Yamashita’s shoulder, just linking them to him physically prolonging the attachment that the melody had provided just moments before until Toma can finally let it go, like waking up from a good dream, happy and regretful.
It’s dark and there are people milling about. Some pat him on the back as they run on stage and Toma’s laughing, giggling and giddy with all the adrenaline that still courses to his body. He still feels all too energetic and ready to channel it , in his wheezing, his bright smiles and enthusiastic hugs and suddenly he’s pulled by one of those enthusiastic arms and it gets just a tiny bit darker but he can still feel the energy of the stage radiating all the way to where he stands his view half blocked by the man in front of him.
It’s Jun. He thinks with a dizzy laugh as Jun surges forward to kiss him. There should be alarm, questions, technicalities and boundaries that he’s sure he must be considering somewhere up there but he doesn’t because it’s Jun and Jun’s charisma and enigma that surround him and he kisses back, explores. He figures out Jun not questions society teaches him to ask.
It’s a messy clash of tongues and teeth and bottled up happiness and energy but he channels, everything, feelings and emotions, companionship, friendship and love as he clutches at Jun’s shoulder, clings with his head buried in the crook of his neck when they break apart.
And Jun holds him just as tight.
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Toma feels like a quiet night out, just a one on one conversation to just distress, unfurl and let his mask down a little. Toma scratches his head a little, he’d like to listen as much as say, he likes light conversations that hover over the deeper seated insecurities and hardships of the entertainment business.
And Yamapi is not in Tokyo.
He thinks for a while, even scrolls through his contact list on his phone rejecting calling people just because he feels like it. He calls Nino in the end and Nino apologizes when he asks him out to dinner, saying he’s got something planned with his co star and the staff on set and Toma nods though Nino can’t see it, too lethargic to give Nino’s guilt assurances. If anything he was sure Nino was regretful to have missed the free meal. Large groups usually meant they split the bill.
“I think Sho’s free tonight. If anything I implore you, save him from the current affairs filled romantic dinner he must have planned in his apartment.” Nino says in an urgent voice and ends up chuckling fondly as though without current affairs filled lonesome evenings Sho wouldn’t be Sho.
He doesn’t know when it becomes a regular thing. But since they got interrupted in the middle of dinner because Sho needed to run due to News Zero running short on reporters and requiring fill ins, Sho had rescheduled their dinner for the next week. And promises to meet up again just kept on popping up every time they said goodbye, schedules snaking around by coincidence to allow frequent meet ups.
Jun hears about it in an off hand comment. He doesn’t really follow paparazzi gossip but Nino and Aiba are laughing about it as Nino recounts how he had set Toma and Sho up and now they’re going steady. And Aiba snickers as Nino guffaws at Sho’s embarrassment.
“Hey, we’re drinking buddies!” He exclaims but knows it’ll do nothing to stop the teasing and so just lets the two have fun.
There is something akin to jealousy in Jun as he hears the news and he wonders why Toma had never once invited him before he can stop himself. A moment later he feels ashamed at the selfish thoughts and comes to the conclusion that Toma’s personal life wasn’t of his concern so he should try not to be…concerned about it.
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The whirl of the scandal surrounds all of Arashi, even poor Sho though he doesn’t have any part in it. They’re briefed as a group on the stories to tell or more specifically to not tell. They were grilled on how to handle the pressure of the AV actress scandal as a group because it contained most of the group. It wasn’t one where everyone shows support while one struggles through, no this time they were holding hands tight and pushing through the doubts and the shameful questions and the betrayed fans.
Jun was already tired of it when Toma suddenly appears as he’s getting some alone time in the Arashi dressing room, the rest were still running around attending press and interviews, in fact he’s just finished his own round.
“I know you must be tired” Toma’s voice sounds so soft, like he’s ashamed to be here, “And I know better than to question you based on rumours but I just couldn’t…rest” Jun almost doesn’t catch the last word, in fact he doesn’t understand what the great build up is leading to.
“Is it true?” Toma finally blurts and it sounds awkward and misplaced no matter how lengthy and detailed an introduction Toma tried to provide.
Jun rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands and flexes his legs. He contemplates a little bit in his head on what he should say, hours of intensive drills revolving in his head and making him dizzy and unable to think straight. He goes for the simplest answer, the fastest way he thought this could be over.
“Yeah…most of it.”
And Toma leaves, closing the door quietly as to not disturb anymore and Jun thinks happily if a bit ashamed at his foolish actions that this was over.
He just didn’t know that it wasn’t over. That his words were being mulled over in Toma’s head, burrowing into his mind and making pathways for doubt and a sense of betrayal.
Toma heard him say it proudly, without explanations and without any lame ass excuses.
When the rest of the Johnny’s were discarding it with a nonchalant flick of their wrists, Toma was having a hard time letting go.
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Jun tried to be meticulous about things even if he was only 14. He’s studied different basic poses for modelling from a book he’d come across browsing the used book store and he’s read up on how to build up camaraderie and dynamics with fellow models and he’d tried to get Nino, Aiba and Toma into his carefully measured tactics. Tried to educate them before the shoot started.
But Toma had half listened to him, half stared outside the window. And he was sure that as soon as they’re faced with the camera the flash of nervousness would ruin everything, he hadn’t practiced building up nerves and the art to mask nervousness like Jun had.
But when the photographer’s assistant gives them a box of carpenter’s tool, warning them to be careful and not run around with them, Toma just picks up a ruler and naturally holds it up against the frame of the set that even though they are supposed to go in pairs for the pictures the photographer snaps a shot murmuring a quiet ‘excellent’. The assistant prods Jun on and he grabs a spanner as he jogs to join Toma.
The book never said that it could be so much fun when they’re tickling each other and laughing genuinely between real bickering and pseudo fist fights.
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It’s all over the Jimusho that the next Johnny’s to do an issue of An An’s sex article would be Toma. Jun suppresses a laugh when Aiba tells him with a tinge of pride in his voice. Toma is goofy, funny, cute and cuddly. Sure, Jun can picture him with a half awkward half sexy look with a half buttoned shirt. But to be smouldering hot and confident and alluring with no clothes on, Toma who’d blush tomato red when others stripped their shirts around him, Jun could never imagine that.
He was looking forward to it as much as everyone else and when it came out that there was no model involved, he could almost fist bump into the air with a smug ‘told you so!’ because he’s betting on a tame photoshoot with nothing more than the smooth expanse of Toma’s back disappearing into a pair of tight fitting jeans like Sho’s had been.
And Jun’s jaw drops when he actually says it because he just can’t believe that through all these years he’s missed something so compelling and powerful about a guy he considers his best friend whereas its picked up by some random magazine editors.
And the photos while being unbelievable is at the same time so Toma that Jun feels dumb having expected anything different. Because only Toma could look vulnerable, could be in the compromising position, simultaneously captivated by someone and captivating them just as strongly. And for a moment this same face flashes into his memory when it was younger, less defined and masculine. And a sense of nostalgia settles somewhere within him and Jun just feels like he’s been missing out.
He can’t pinpoint on what.
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Jun bursts out laughing as soon as Toma trudges out pulled out by Yamapi from the dressing room in his white ensemble complete with a skirt and feather accessory. It’s not that Toma looks particularly ridiculous. Jun himself with his gold and black body hugging outfit was in no position to comment but it was the look of utter misery and horror on Toma’s face. He’s appalled at the ridiculousness that is usually Countdown clothes and that naivety is endearing. Toma huffs at Yamapi’s taunting and the feather hits him square in the face sending Jun and those milling around into another fit of laughter.
And Toma makes a serious face, stops looking so miserable as though he realizes that this is work and in that moment he stops laughing because the difference in Toma now that he exudes confidence is startling.
He looks almost otherworldly, beautiful in his larger than life costume.
Jun might just be a little bit captivated by it.
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Toma looks so downtrodden that Jun reaches out to ruffle his hair.
Toma is startled by the affectionate gesture from his friend who usually takes painful measures to not show affection in ways like these. He just saw the reviews for Ningen Shikkaku and Toma feels a little sick. For a moment he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with that piece of news.
That the movie was not well received.
He feels like he has disappointed everyone who’s worked so hard for so long. He just never so much was riding on his shoulder, if he knew that failure was something that would come so easily then he’d have pushed more, worked harder.
Why hadn’t he worked harder? Why had he let all those people pegging their confidence on him down?
And Jun breaks this vicious cycle of thoughts as he appears on his doorstep. He brings grocery and busies himself in the kitchen immediately, he pulls Toma up from where he’s sagging against the couch and forces him to cut vegetables for the yakisoba and Toma does so as Jun hums a cheerful tune. And Toma’s thoughts slip from horribly despondent ones to amused ones repeatedly as he notices his sprightly friend from time to time. A small smile comes to his face when Jun scolds him for making the carrot slices too thick and proceeds to chop them up by himself some more.
And when Toma spaces out in the middle of dinner Jun ruffles his hair, he can still feel the warmth of Jun’s palm against him scalp as he peers up at him and Jun smiles at him, there’s understanding there. Jun’s not here to say that it’s okay, he’s here to say ‘it’s a part of this business’ and Toma is grateful that Jun doesn’t try to cheer him up verbally. Somehow his presence speaks volumes.
It’s not the end and he’s not alone.
By the end of the dinner, he feels like a round of ice-cream sundae with fruits and brownie on the side.
Jun grins, almost victoriously before grabbing the keys to his car.
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Toma loves Shonen Club rehearsals, they’re more like hanging out with everyone, coming up with crazy ideas and dance routines and singing and dancing to children’s songs. The fans are generous (or very stupid) and they fawn over anything and everything they do. In fact, the part of the appeal of Shonen Club is the spontaneous feeling of it, like not really planning a fun evening with friends but coming across a few in a diner and having a blast anyway. Except Shonen Club was heavily scripted.
Though recently its almost like its been grouped out. Not that there is any such tension between the two groups, they’re just categorized and it says a little about the person depending on the category they pick.
It all started with Koichi showing up one fine day in rehearsals looking sleepy and in his jersey suit. His long hair is such a mess that he grabs the nearest scarf (from around someone’s neck) and ties it over his head (the boy is kind of glad at having the scarf returned all sweaty because omg it’s Koichi-san’s sweat at the end of the day. And Koichi just kept coming with his jerseys and never stopped. The style spread like wildfire and soon all boys would show up in jerseys or won’t fit.
But there were others, more stylistically inclined who just weren’t comfortable with the casual and slob-like image the jerseys gave them (Toma liked to think none of them were confident enough in their appearances to pull off a jersey lifestyle)
Until of course Nagase breaks the trend, coming to rehearsals with tight black pants and a black suit, almost jacket over a white undershirt, sleeves folded up to his elbows. He doesn’t challenge Koichi and neither is he unconfident in his own good looks but boys take the opportunity and they change quickly until its already been two months and the Suit Vs Jersey battle has been on ever since. They’ve stopped convincing each other over what’s better by this time and they’ve all fallen into their categories, Toma lounging casually in his loose jersey glad that Sho is wearing jerseys too because that breaks the jersey wearers are lazy stereotype.
The sharp “tap!tap!” of the heel of loafers clicking against the wooden floor reaches his ears and he rolls his eyes as the epitome of ‘why suit wearing makes you serious and intense’ shows up. It’s as though MatsuJun clicks his shows loudly on purpose, as though clicks above a certain amplitude would announce his presence automatically and to some extent it does.
MatsuJun’s clothes are impossibly tight and Toma wonders how he could stand wearing that while dancing because they’d sweat crazily even if it weren’t scorching hot outside.
And MatsuJun shrugs out of his black suit, his arms sinewy slightly muscular arms exposed as his shoulders disappear into his light blue undershirt.
Toma finds himself not really minding the style.
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Jun doesn’t know why Toma picks this day out of all others to wear a tank top. The style had started from when he did Maou and Toma would hardly wear anything but white tank tops and make Jun’s heart beat so fast that he thought he was having a heart attack or seriously, seriously ill.
Thankfully the phase had passed, except Toma suddenly came in for some soumen and took off his jacket only to reveal as though in slow motion, inch by inch of smooth pale skin that Jun had a glimpse of in the An An sex issue a few days ago. Fuck, he could still get a glimpse of it because its on the bottom shelf of his bedside table and it is not there because its within easy reaching distance for occasional peeks at.
He doesn’t really need to peek at it because Toma flexes his shoulders, rolling them a little as he groans from the tension there giving away and Jun has a hard time keeping his mouth close at the ripple of muscles around his shoulder blades that he could see live and playing out unlike the still he’d caught in the shoot. Toma needs to dress more conservatively because he’s wearing low riding jeans too and its all a little too slutty before Jun can slap himself mentally and say ‘this is my best friend, fuck’
Toma places the machine for the noodles in the low coffee table and they settle on opposite sides while Toma surfs through the channels on the television. He pops open a bottle of pop and Jun goes for some beer as they slurp their noodles noisily.
Eating soumen is always a little messy and Jun keeps plenty of tissues at hand but Toma still manages to ignore Jun’s attempts at hygiene and wipes his mouth with the back of his hands. He talks as fast as he can swallow and there is nothing sexy about the way he’s so excited and so animated and talking as though he doesn’t know if he should close his mouth to chew or open it to talk.
Except it’s Toma and that’s how Toma is and that’s as sexy as he gets and Jun finds it so very incredibly sexy, like the sex appeal drips from every single excited flick of his wrists and Jun doesn’t know when he grabs Toma’s hand and Toma kind of just stops…like stills his eating, his talking, his laughing and the cheery excited aura fades as Jun stares transfixed at the way Toma’s face transforms from laughter to quizzical to something serious and unfathomable.
Jun doesn’t know why or how Toma knows why everything just stopped or what it is that Jun wants, he doesn’t notice the intense desire that’s written all over his face in Toma’s eyes because he’s a little busy staring at Toma’s lips and gripping his wrists so hard, it was bound to leave marks.
Toma doesn’t mind because its Jun and Jun’s like that, hot and cold, at times he leaves Toma giddy with happiness and can just as well ruin that in the next second with something completely cold and oblivious.
Toma’s stopped denying the barely there something that always leads to drunken (it was drunken, he’s convinced they were drunk during countdown) kisses and teasing touches ever since…well ever since countdown but he never really acted on it or associated feelings to it, they way Jun makes him feel. Maybe, there were always feelings, here and there, but he’d always been too afraid to label them. Because sometimes they were so intense and sometimes they weren’t even there and shit Jun has a girlfriend.
Toma feels like he should care and he should label, understand first what Jun does to him and what this, these intense gazes and longing touches do to him and the fact that he wants someone who’s supposedly taken and telling him constantly he’s taken but doesn’t ever really act quite like it.
Maybe if he were a girl, he’d think he was easy and back off.
But he’s a guy and he knows he wants this, wants Jun, and wants to thread his fingers through those gripped around his wrist impossibly tight.
“I’ve always wanted to return the favour” Toma whispers impossibly low and he isn’t even sure if Jun heard and even if he did Toma knows Jun doesn’t know what he’s talking about because Jun probably thinks he doesn’t remember and he’s never indicated ever remembering but he hadn’t forgotten. In all these years; Eight? Ten? He hadn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t believe that, that fact alone hadn’t been an indication of some sort in the past.
For now, he just can’t believe his actually shoves his hand down Jun’s pants before Jun manages to grip into the short hairs on his nape and pull him into a deep kiss. He’s just mostly breathing to calm down as he palms Jun over his underwear until he’s hard as Jun swipes his tongue over his lips and teeth. He kisses Jun back, pushing back into Jun’s mouth with his tongue when he finally has his hands wrapped around Jun’s cock.
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Toma has been so super charged the whole day that it’s inspiring and Jun is very glad to have him on his team. Sports days are great bonding time with boys doing things they love doing together, playing, goofing around, snacking and posing at the camera. (maybe the last one is a Johnny’s thing)
Jun has never really liked wearing jerseys, he doesn’t even like the way his hair sticks out in all angles from the sweat and the constant need to wipe himself off with towels and sometimes they share and there are serious hygiene alarm bells that go off in his head at that but it’s either a used towel or have sweat pour out into your eyes.
Toma is up against Nagase for shooting penalties and everyone’s given up because it’s Nagase and he’s powerful and intimidating and older. When Nagase misses one they bite their lips because Toma’s under a lot of pressure here and its not completely unexpected if he ends up missing too. At this point they’d be glad of a tie even.
And when the ball sweeps in from the top right corner and into the goal and Toma’s actually done it and Toma’s barely shown his ‘V’ sign to the camera when he’s surrounded by a group of boys as everyone runs towards him all at once and Jun’s chest swell with pride and victory as everyone else once pats Toma on his back, hi-fiving and just shouting and jumping simultaneously and Jun doesn’t know what to do, he can’t even move close.
He just reaches forward and threads his fingers into the first part of Toma he can reach and it’s sweaty and should be disgusting but isn’t as he ruffles it affectionately.
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Jun doesn’t know what he’s thinking of talking to Ohno about when he calls out to him. It’s just that they’re left alone and Jun’s bursting ever since Toma bolted from his house after giving him a hand job. He’s bursting from all the things he feels, or thinks should or should not feel. He doesn’t talk to Toma, he doesn’t call his girlfriend, and he doesn’t know if she’s his girlfriend anymore, if he should guilty.
He’s guilty for not feeling guilty. Somehow Toma seems different, not cheating and everything goes around in circles because technically isn’t it cheating though it doesn’t feel like it. So Jun has this ‘that’s enough!’ moment before he jumps off his chair and calls Ohno and Ohno looks at him looking mildly interested which means he’s listening and its enough for the moment.
“I don’t you know…like stuff happens you know?”
Ohno nods as though he actually gets what’s Jun’s saying and he’d probably not get what Jun was saying if he was actually making sense.
But the good thing about Ohno is if Jun decided now that he’s going to turn around and never speak of this again Ohno would respect that (or forget it) unlike everyone else he knew.
But Jun doesn’t turn around, he hesitates and half hopes that Ohno would press him a little but Ohno doesn’t.
“Well…I cheated.” He rushes out finally
Ohno raises his eyebrows, “…And?”
“I’m not guilty.” And Ohno doesn’t say anything more because he knows why people come to him, cause he listens.
“Cause it wasn’t a mistake.” Jun admits slowly, as though convincing himself or testing his thoughts out loud to make sure that it was the same as it was in his head.
Ohno actually chuckles, “Knew you were never into her.”
Jun splutters for a bit. “So…”
“Go after your non-mistake.” Ohno looks almost forceful and then he stops for a bit, “Unless you’re not into them either…” And Ohno looks confused like he doesn’t know what that would mean.
Jun shakes his head because he’s not sure. He’s into Toma. He just doesn’t know if he wants to go for him. There’s something that stopped him from going for him all this time and Jun isn’t sure what that was and he thinks he should figure it out.
Ohno almost seems like he’s zoned out of the conversation but just when Jun’s sure Ohno’s fallen asleep he startles him with, “Start with breaking up with her?”
And yes, that would be the right thing to do.
-----------------------------------
Toma’s enthusiasm never fails to enrapture Jun. It’s one of those things that makes Toma stand out in a crowd of boys who wear essentially the same costume all the time, the way when he talks its as though he can’t help talking and that thought amuses Jun a little.
By the time a question is directed at him and he realizes he’s in the middle of an interview being filmed Toma has already finished his introduction for Toma’s Scoop and Arashi have apparently done the greeting. It’s a good thing he hadn’t realized anything at all throughout the interview and was hence able to go through with it till the end without feeling like an idiot.
Of course, he still felt like an idiot when he saw it when it aired and realized what had happened was him staring at Toma all throughout the part he’d zoned out on.
---------------------------
Toma doesn’t know why but he feels so very heavy as he storms out of Jun’s apartment. He had expected that to play differently, like fairytale different but realistically he gets that what happened was what was bound to happen.
How had he expected Jun to love him when he wasn’t even sure that he felt it back? He was relieved; he really was at not having to deal with the whole new spectrum of their relationship if something had actually happened. But he was still…feeling kind of down about it. He admits it because he’s stopped lying to himself about it and now it was kind of like he couldn’t lie to himself anymore and in a way he preferred that ignorance over this weight on his chest, like he’s lost something.
Something he never had?
The utter silence disconcerted him; he was a little dizzy by how Jun hadn’t even tried to give a lame excuse.
It was like Jun refused to even acknowledge him, them and that had hurt.
-------------------------
Jun thought that he was pretty suave and undercover when he sneaked in unnoticed into the NewS concert, relieved at not being smothered or recognized.
Of course that was before he knew that there was an overexcited boy not so sneakily stomping in right behind him and he’s waving and screaming and has all but jumped onto the seats to get NewS’ attention and Jun wants to pull his fedora over his eyes but he’s kind of into watching the performances so he slouches his shoulders and slides down in his seat.
That worked, until of course NewS saw them and called them up in the MC part.
He wanted to kill Toma for always being so overexcited but he doesn’t want the focus to be taken off NewS while he attempts to swiftly, inconspicuously and also painfully break Toma’s neck so he channels all the energy to bully Ryo instead.
It’s the first time in forever that he’s gone up onstage without a script and strict rehearsals programming into his brain what to do and how to react so it feels liberating to do just what he wants and not be judged or admonished.
Okay so maybe he would be judged but he didn’t particularly care. He was having fun with his friends.
Except for maybe that Tegoshi kid.
He could make room for one more on many of his impromptu late night dinner dates.
--------------------------
Toma’s realized he’s holed himself up for a few days.
And while its not anything to start a panic amongst his friends because he’s doing his work and replying to texts. He even updated his Jweb.
He just doesn’t pick up calls or accept invitations to go out. He didn’t cry, he wasn’t wallowing in self pity but he had developed a penchant for sad songs and staying alone.
In a way he was almost waiting for someone to notice and come scoop him out of this state he was in.
When the bell rings and he’s not expecting delivery, Toma is sure its Yamashita on the other side demanding why he’s been neglecting his little wifey. Toma’s even ready to pamper Yamashita by the time he’s scrambled up from his hour long lounge on the couch and shuffling towards the door.
Almost as though he’s convincing himself its Yamashita so that he isn’t disappointed when it turns out to be not someone he wants it to be like really deep down, like where he’s slightly masochistic and has a hard time letting go of things.
Only it is Jun and he starts speaking as soon as the door cracks open a little so that Toma can’t even slam the door on his face.
“Look it meant a lot, it meant so much to me that I couldn’t say it. I didn’t, I still don’t have the words. And I didn’t want to find out what it meant to you. I was afraid.” Jun says in a rush of nerves and vulnerability and when Toma just stands and stares, Jun fidgets because he doesn’t realize that Toma’s digesting.
“How many times did you practice that?” It took some time and Toma likes direct three letter confessions but he’s heard those before, they’re easy to say when they don’t mean something but when it does it’s so hard like you’re heart stills in fear every time you even think about saying it. So he understands why Jun would be vague and so he lets it slide.
Jun throws a sheepish smile, “Verbally? This morning. But I’ve been thinking about it for a really long time.” Jun pauses as though Toma isn’t convinced already before added, “Long as in long time”
Toma suppresses the urge to giggle. Well that came as close to a confession as he was comfortable with at this point.
“Okay.” Toma concedes.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“What so I don’t get a elaborate confession?”
Toma rolls his eyes before he all but jumps into Jun’s arms in the open hallway, pulling him into a kiss. He breaks apart a moment later, noses brushing.
“No adrenaline, no alcohol, no sexual frustrations.” Toma confirms
When Jun closes the distance between their lips immediately after Toma’s own ragtag version of a confession, Toma whimpers in his simultaneous surprise and expectancy at the kiss.
He breaks apart again just to admit, “Maybe a little bit sexual frustration.”
This time Jun suppresses the urge to giggle.
---------------------------
It’s the time for the annual welcoming the new juniors icebreaker. They’re the group that have been selected for the past few months from all the places where the Jimusho branches out and they’ve all been rounded up in Tokyo where they are to meet each other.
There are unlimited drinks and everyone’s handed a packet of pocky and some dried snacks as they mill about talking, chatting, laughing and suppressing their nervous uncertainties beneath cheerful smiles and enthusiasm.
At one corner of the room there is a large group, at the center is a small boy with a bowl cut, he’s dancing to the music playing in the background because he’s a big fan of SMAP and performing the dances to their songs makes his mother happy.
It’s not just his dance that attracts the boys who surround him since they can all dance more or less. There was just something easy and likeable about the smile with which he’d thrust his hand out for a shake and introduce himself in a breathless excited voice.
And it was nice to meet him because he was just fundamentally curious and would ask about everyone’s homes and families, recounting funny stories from his school while listening intently in turn as well.
He was so comfortable in his surroundings that many of the juniors mistook him for a veteran as though he was a part of the welcoming committee.
At the other end of the room, melting into the corner almost out of sight was another junior. He wasn’t exactly frightened but he was disinterested. People would accuse him of arrogance and it wouldn’t be the first time. But he didn’t feel the need to exert his energy into getting the effort to know boys with whom he’d never speak to again. The soft drink in his hand was almost room temperature, he’s had it in his hand untouched for so long. For the most part he’s ignored the hushed whispers of those who managed to notice him and recognize him correctly as the elite who hadn’t needed to audition.
Actually the reason he doesn’t mix is because these boys are irritating him a little with their lack of professionalism. He had plenty of friends at school and didn’t need anymore in his workplace.
And suddenly the boy from the center of room has somehow managed to find him out in his corner with a bright smile on his face, a smile that seemed like just an integral part of his features like his hands and legs were.
He thrusts his hand out, “Hi I’m Ikuta Toma! Nice to meet you!”
The boy in the corner has been thrown polite nods and smiles but no ones actually taken the initiative to talk to him and he feels a little grateful despite his apparent nonchalance.
Some would say the boy in the corner was a complete opposite to the boy previously enchanting other boys in the center.
But it wasn’t important at that moment.
At that moment the boy in the corner took the hand offered to him and shook it.
“Matsumoto Jun.”
A/N: Yes, the title is an irony. Pretty chic, eh? This is me being intelligent at 3 am and going ‘OMG I WROTE 16K’
A/N 2:YEAH MAN THE POST WAS TOO FUCKING LARGE TO FIT IN ONE ENTRY
“Oops.” Jun says as he notices that the restaurant he’d picked for dinner was closed, he looked at the timings of the restaurant plastered on the door.
“8 am to 11 pm” It said and Jun checked his watch to see that it was almost midnight.
He smiled sheepishly at Toma who grunts annoyed.
“Dinner would work so much better if you weren’t such a night creature.”
And Jun raises an eyebrow at the insult, “Night creature?” Toma grunts again as though to say ‘yeah, you heard me’
Jun looks unfazed and way too dressed up for middle of the night outings. OR maybe he just stands out naturally. Toma doubts he would shine so much in skinny jeans, red T-shirt and a jacket with 69 written on the back in glittered lettered.
He looked at the fedora on Jun’s head and decided he’d never wear so much stuff. Heck he doesn’t even own so much stuff he realizes as he looks at the shirt he’s wearing, the one he got when he went to Shun’s radio show the third time, and baggy jeans. It’s not like individual pieces of Jun’s ensemble was particularly loud. It was just how he threw them together and to some extent he realized, as Jun strutted in front of him, how he carried them around.
Jun points at a small yakiniku shop, it almost looked like a stall since most of the chairs were outside the small shop.
“Aren’t you a little overdressed for that place?” Toma asks because damn Jun could go to a club like this and no one would bat an eyelid.
“No, you’re just underdressed.” Jun says confidently and Toma sighs.
Typical.
Jun orders two beers for them and looks at his watch as he holds his glass up
“Right on time.” He says happily and Toma is a little confused but he raises his glass as well.
“For what?”
“Happy birthday! Kampai!” Jun says as he clinks his glass to Toma’s and Toma completely forgets to say it back because it suddenly dawns on him why they’re out so late. He isn’t the type to forget his own birthday because he’s the kind that gets excited over it for weeks before, only he’s been so busy and its all very hectic after Hana Kimi that sometimes he just doesn’t get it. He feels almost bad for the night creature comment. Almost because it’s true despite it being undeserved tonight particularly but still usually that was the case.
Jun seems unfazed at his lack of response as he gulps his beer down happily, “You know you still owe me something.” He says with a mischievous glint of his eyes, “And a reminder is my present to you.”
Toma wants Jun to elaborate except he doesn’t, preferring to silently eat his yakiniku than converse with Toma because all Toma can say is ‘what?” and “What!” and “WHAT?”
Toma gives up eventually and Jun makes this weird noise of victory and tells him about how Aiba tried to bake him a cake during his own birthday. The chunks of mapo tofu in the sweet chocolate cake mix sending shivers through Jun’s spine.
Toma wakes up next morning to find an issue of the latest wink up delivered to his doorstep. He would have bought a copy soon anyway and finds it a convenient gift because there is a post it on top that says, “Happy Birthday”
There is also a post it that marks the dengonban page and he opens it curiously only to find hearts drawn around Jun’s picture that says “To Toma” beside it. Toma reads, heart fluttering because really that is very sweet and thoughtful except when he actually finishes reading the message:
“You still owe me for the taxi fare.”
Typical. Too typical.
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Wild nights out are fun, very fun until you lose at janken and are forced to be the designated driver. Toma sighs as he watches Yamapi take his shirt off and twirl it above his head with a screech as girls surround him touching his chest and Toma doesn’t get what exactly they find sexy about what Yamapi is doing.
Yes, when you are the designated driver, wild nights out are very very pathetic. They’d usually take cabs home so that there is no designated driver, just a less drunk person who can co ordinate stuff like hauling taxis and remembering addresses and making sure all clothes are in the right place. Yamapi tends to be a stripper drunk.
Toma lounges back onto the sofa because everyone else had abandoned it to go dancing and wonders why there was a designated driver in the first place and suddenly there is an odd weight across the lower half of his body as Jun drapes himself over Toma. That’s right he remembers now, because MatsuJun wanted to bar hop.
Toma sighs just trying to remind himself that his friend was drunk and is not completely responsible for whatever stupid thing will come out of his mouth next and so must not be killed or castrated (whatever causes the receiver the more anguish really) for it. Except when MatsuJun sidles up to level his face with Toma’s and smiles in this lewd way.
“Another bar?” And his face droops at Toma’s stern expression, “Please?”
This was the fourth bar that has seen Yamapi’s torso (and third to see his thighs before Toma pulled his pants up) and Toma is not having a second more of this because he was bored. The first two bars were okay because he was dancing and there were nice friendly girls ready to press up against him but he was tired and sleepy without the constant supply of alcohol to keep him rejuvenated.
“Oh come on…” MatsuJun whines and brings his face closer and Toma tries to press further into the sofa making a gesture of retracting although he doesn’t really go very far from Jun’s face, “Just one more.” It comes out as a low rumble and MatsuJun smells like a mix of tequila and vodka, Toma wonders if his lips would taste of the spice of those drinks before he remembers he’s not drunk and hence not supposed to think like that.
“Matsujun we’re going home!” And at ‘home’ Toma gives MatsuJun a hard shove so that he rolls off Toma and falls. Toma has a feeling that it has to do more with poor muscle co-ordination and a flare for the dramatics rather than Toma’s strength and so he doesn’t bother to help MatsuJun up.
“It’s Jun.”
“What?” Had MatsuJun gone nuts and forgotten his own name? Was that fall down really that hard? Toma actually peered from across the edge of the sofa to the slightly dazed man sprawling on the floor.
“It’s Jun. Not MatsuJun.” He slurred and Toma’s went wide-eyed at the sudden request.
Jun scrambled on the floor awhile before sitting with his head resting against the sofa seat, “Call me Jun.” He said softly looking into Toma’s eyes and Toma stiffened from where he was lying on the sofa.
Toma hesitated a bit, not really understanding what was happening, “Jun…” He said in a whisper and Jun’s face broke into a happy smile. He chuckled and Toma rolled his eyes as Jun was back to his inebriated antics. Jun stumbled up and lifted Toma’s hand, pulling on it as an indication that Toma should also sit up.
“Let’s go home now.”
Toma refrained from asking who’s as he follows Jun’s lead.
At that moment it seemed as though it wasn’t very relevant.
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“I saw Miopan yesterday.” Jun started
And Toma’s smile faltered for a moment before coming back on full force, “Oh?” He said suddenly concentrating full force on the movie as he munched on the popcorn.
“You said you liked me.” Jun half whispered to the wall on the other side of him.
Toma cleared his throat; an air of awkwardness settling around them, no matter how hard he stared at the screen he could feel what Jun was getting at. They’d both pretended that nothing had happened at the concert. To some extent Toma had started to think of it as a drunken mistake, although he hadn’t gone near to any other alcohol other than the scotch for nerves that Yamapi had given him right before he went on stage.
Toma laughed, hoping that it didn’t sound as forced to Jun as it did to him, “I do like you because you’re a great friend.” Toma said, very fast almost as though to cover up the fact that the clause he gave wasn’t completely honest. But Jun doesn’t notice the hitch of breath as Toma had said it and nods, now looking at his hands clasped in his lap.
“Thanks.” He says and reaches out to grapple around the space between them for the popcorn bowl.
And Toma wants to accuse Jun of something, at least hold him responsible for the awkwardness that now exists between them because he wasn’t running away from Jun. Jun ran away from him. Jun created a huge big question between them then ran away, got a girlfriend and called him up the next day to have a passionate conversation about acting over a friendly round of drinks and a friendly plate of takoyaki and it all seemed a little unfair how he was cornered on that show and how he couldn’t not say it. How hard it was to keep smiling in that nonchalant and damned friendly way as he said it.
The image of Jun and his cowardice right behind his eyes, egging on tears that he wouldn’t allow himself to shed.
-------------------------------------------
Jun was happy that Arashi had been allowed to host the countdown of 2007. It was always such a huge honor but that means the senior staff had told them the big surprise when they were handed the order of performances.
He had seen how Toma fought the internal battle of anguish at Yamapi’s loss and the flicker of hope that the suspension of NewS had brought. He’d seen Toma be the best friend that he’d been to everyone, not anticipating reward or benefits and knowing that NewS would be starting afresh and that sliver of hope that Toma’s allowed himself to have, the sliver that Jun’s allowed himself to have for Toma’s sake, for Toma’s happiness would again disappear pained Jun beyond anything else. Everytime he’d see NewS on the list, there’d be a pang in his chest like somehow announcing their return was akin to supporting their return. It was not that he didn’t support his fellow agency members, not that he doubted Toma would support them. But sometimes to be truly happy, a few selfish thoughts would creep up.
And Jun interviewed Toma with a light step and a happy smile, asking him about his year plans and knowing that a few moments later he’d announce something that would simultaneously give Toma joy and cause him pain, not pain. Maybe a dull thud of remembrance, like suddenly finding the scar of a forgotten wound.
And when he announces NewS’s he tries to find Toma out from those that are visible in the backstage from on stage. And he finds him, clapping wildly and raising a thumbs up in Yamashita’s general vicinity and Jun feels a little stupid for having ever doubted that Toma would be anything but wholeheartedly happy.
He doesn’t know perhaps that Toma knew, from a very long time, in fact he was the only other person outside NewS who did because Yamapi told him in a blur of uncontained excitement and Toma had let go gradually of selfish desires and forgotten wounds.
----------------------------
Toma didn’t really get where she was trying to go with her little game. But when she asked him to tell Jun he really liked him with a giddy, almost high smile he knew she just wanted some fan service. He half wished that one of the colours had witched. Telling Jun he liked him hit too close to home. In fact he had been wanting to say it for quite sometime. Shout it from rooftops until he realized there was nothing there to shout out for. Jun had been ignoring him, turning away, changing subjects and finally two days later Yamapi calls him and tells him that Jun is seeing someone.
Toma is left thinking if he’d imagined the countdown, if maybe somehow something suppressed over the years had found an outlet and had gone crazy with it but he looks to the camera, all smiles and giggly as he says it.
“Matsujun, I really like you.”
And she tittered happily and Toma tries to channel some of her enthusiasm into himself but it just turns into a slightly awkward, “what?” and she shakes her head as though to say ‘no big deal’ and Toma lets it drop.
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Toma realizes that he’s really been missing out once he’s gotten a little bit of the stage. It’s exhilarating and liberating under all those adoring gazes and shout outs, he really feels alive. Like he’s in free-fall.
He gets to go on again, he gets to feel this twice without a band, without a song, without a debut and there is gratefulness that creep up his neck along with the blush of exhaustion.
And as Yamashita’s hand grip into his waist he really he has his slice of dream right here. He doesn’t need it regularly although it can get addicting enough to want it so much but in reality this much is fine, a little taste of this happiness of sharing, of leaning into a person as they harmonize in song, lose themselves in each other in the melody that envelops them and suddenly there’s a hand that waves in front of his face and he realizes that its better than any dream because Jun is here.
His voice falters momentarily as he extricates himself from the world of Yamashita and Toma that he had lost himself in for a while there but it’s easily masked over by all the voices that accompany him. He laughs at Jun, confident that no one really cares and he can enjoy that too, having both his best friends up here right beside him, supporting him.
Like they always have. He remembers and his chest tightens as it all becomes a bit much, like everything compels him to burst into tears. The nostalgia had fueled all the emotions that he’s ever been capable of feeling.
And as he runs offstage Jun’s hand in his and a grip on Yamashita’s shoulder, just linking them to him physically prolonging the attachment that the melody had provided just moments before until Toma can finally let it go, like waking up from a good dream, happy and regretful.
It’s dark and there are people milling about. Some pat him on the back as they run on stage and Toma’s laughing, giggling and giddy with all the adrenaline that still courses to his body. He still feels all too energetic and ready to channel it , in his wheezing, his bright smiles and enthusiastic hugs and suddenly he’s pulled by one of those enthusiastic arms and it gets just a tiny bit darker but he can still feel the energy of the stage radiating all the way to where he stands his view half blocked by the man in front of him.
It’s Jun. He thinks with a dizzy laugh as Jun surges forward to kiss him. There should be alarm, questions, technicalities and boundaries that he’s sure he must be considering somewhere up there but he doesn’t because it’s Jun and Jun’s charisma and enigma that surround him and he kisses back, explores. He figures out Jun not questions society teaches him to ask.
It’s a messy clash of tongues and teeth and bottled up happiness and energy but he channels, everything, feelings and emotions, companionship, friendship and love as he clutches at Jun’s shoulder, clings with his head buried in the crook of his neck when they break apart.
And Jun holds him just as tight.
----------------------------------
Toma feels like a quiet night out, just a one on one conversation to just distress, unfurl and let his mask down a little. Toma scratches his head a little, he’d like to listen as much as say, he likes light conversations that hover over the deeper seated insecurities and hardships of the entertainment business.
And Yamapi is not in Tokyo.
He thinks for a while, even scrolls through his contact list on his phone rejecting calling people just because he feels like it. He calls Nino in the end and Nino apologizes when he asks him out to dinner, saying he’s got something planned with his co star and the staff on set and Toma nods though Nino can’t see it, too lethargic to give Nino’s guilt assurances. If anything he was sure Nino was regretful to have missed the free meal. Large groups usually meant they split the bill.
“I think Sho’s free tonight. If anything I implore you, save him from the current affairs filled romantic dinner he must have planned in his apartment.” Nino says in an urgent voice and ends up chuckling fondly as though without current affairs filled lonesome evenings Sho wouldn’t be Sho.
He doesn’t know when it becomes a regular thing. But since they got interrupted in the middle of dinner because Sho needed to run due to News Zero running short on reporters and requiring fill ins, Sho had rescheduled their dinner for the next week. And promises to meet up again just kept on popping up every time they said goodbye, schedules snaking around by coincidence to allow frequent meet ups.
Jun hears about it in an off hand comment. He doesn’t really follow paparazzi gossip but Nino and Aiba are laughing about it as Nino recounts how he had set Toma and Sho up and now they’re going steady. And Aiba snickers as Nino guffaws at Sho’s embarrassment.
“Hey, we’re drinking buddies!” He exclaims but knows it’ll do nothing to stop the teasing and so just lets the two have fun.
There is something akin to jealousy in Jun as he hears the news and he wonders why Toma had never once invited him before he can stop himself. A moment later he feels ashamed at the selfish thoughts and comes to the conclusion that Toma’s personal life wasn’t of his concern so he should try not to be…concerned about it.
---------------------------------------------
The whirl of the scandal surrounds all of Arashi, even poor Sho though he doesn’t have any part in it. They’re briefed as a group on the stories to tell or more specifically to not tell. They were grilled on how to handle the pressure of the AV actress scandal as a group because it contained most of the group. It wasn’t one where everyone shows support while one struggles through, no this time they were holding hands tight and pushing through the doubts and the shameful questions and the betrayed fans.
Jun was already tired of it when Toma suddenly appears as he’s getting some alone time in the Arashi dressing room, the rest were still running around attending press and interviews, in fact he’s just finished his own round.
“I know you must be tired” Toma’s voice sounds so soft, like he’s ashamed to be here, “And I know better than to question you based on rumours but I just couldn’t…rest” Jun almost doesn’t catch the last word, in fact he doesn’t understand what the great build up is leading to.
“Is it true?” Toma finally blurts and it sounds awkward and misplaced no matter how lengthy and detailed an introduction Toma tried to provide.
Jun rubs his eyes with the heel of his hands and flexes his legs. He contemplates a little bit in his head on what he should say, hours of intensive drills revolving in his head and making him dizzy and unable to think straight. He goes for the simplest answer, the fastest way he thought this could be over.
“Yeah…most of it.”
And Toma leaves, closing the door quietly as to not disturb anymore and Jun thinks happily if a bit ashamed at his foolish actions that this was over.
He just didn’t know that it wasn’t over. That his words were being mulled over in Toma’s head, burrowing into his mind and making pathways for doubt and a sense of betrayal.
Toma heard him say it proudly, without explanations and without any lame ass excuses.
When the rest of the Johnny’s were discarding it with a nonchalant flick of their wrists, Toma was having a hard time letting go.
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Jun tried to be meticulous about things even if he was only 14. He’s studied different basic poses for modelling from a book he’d come across browsing the used book store and he’s read up on how to build up camaraderie and dynamics with fellow models and he’d tried to get Nino, Aiba and Toma into his carefully measured tactics. Tried to educate them before the shoot started.
But Toma had half listened to him, half stared outside the window. And he was sure that as soon as they’re faced with the camera the flash of nervousness would ruin everything, he hadn’t practiced building up nerves and the art to mask nervousness like Jun had.
But when the photographer’s assistant gives them a box of carpenter’s tool, warning them to be careful and not run around with them, Toma just picks up a ruler and naturally holds it up against the frame of the set that even though they are supposed to go in pairs for the pictures the photographer snaps a shot murmuring a quiet ‘excellent’. The assistant prods Jun on and he grabs a spanner as he jogs to join Toma.
The book never said that it could be so much fun when they’re tickling each other and laughing genuinely between real bickering and pseudo fist fights.
--------------------------
It’s all over the Jimusho that the next Johnny’s to do an issue of An An’s sex article would be Toma. Jun suppresses a laugh when Aiba tells him with a tinge of pride in his voice. Toma is goofy, funny, cute and cuddly. Sure, Jun can picture him with a half awkward half sexy look with a half buttoned shirt. But to be smouldering hot and confident and alluring with no clothes on, Toma who’d blush tomato red when others stripped their shirts around him, Jun could never imagine that.
He was looking forward to it as much as everyone else and when it came out that there was no model involved, he could almost fist bump into the air with a smug ‘told you so!’ because he’s betting on a tame photoshoot with nothing more than the smooth expanse of Toma’s back disappearing into a pair of tight fitting jeans like Sho’s had been.
And Jun’s jaw drops when he actually says it because he just can’t believe that through all these years he’s missed something so compelling and powerful about a guy he considers his best friend whereas its picked up by some random magazine editors.
And the photos while being unbelievable is at the same time so Toma that Jun feels dumb having expected anything different. Because only Toma could look vulnerable, could be in the compromising position, simultaneously captivated by someone and captivating them just as strongly. And for a moment this same face flashes into his memory when it was younger, less defined and masculine. And a sense of nostalgia settles somewhere within him and Jun just feels like he’s been missing out.
He can’t pinpoint on what.
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Jun bursts out laughing as soon as Toma trudges out pulled out by Yamapi from the dressing room in his white ensemble complete with a skirt and feather accessory. It’s not that Toma looks particularly ridiculous. Jun himself with his gold and black body hugging outfit was in no position to comment but it was the look of utter misery and horror on Toma’s face. He’s appalled at the ridiculousness that is usually Countdown clothes and that naivety is endearing. Toma huffs at Yamapi’s taunting and the feather hits him square in the face sending Jun and those milling around into another fit of laughter.
And Toma makes a serious face, stops looking so miserable as though he realizes that this is work and in that moment he stops laughing because the difference in Toma now that he exudes confidence is startling.
He looks almost otherworldly, beautiful in his larger than life costume.
Jun might just be a little bit captivated by it.
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Toma looks so downtrodden that Jun reaches out to ruffle his hair.
Toma is startled by the affectionate gesture from his friend who usually takes painful measures to not show affection in ways like these. He just saw the reviews for Ningen Shikkaku and Toma feels a little sick. For a moment he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do with that piece of news.
That the movie was not well received.
He feels like he has disappointed everyone who’s worked so hard for so long. He just never so much was riding on his shoulder, if he knew that failure was something that would come so easily then he’d have pushed more, worked harder.
Why hadn’t he worked harder? Why had he let all those people pegging their confidence on him down?
And Jun breaks this vicious cycle of thoughts as he appears on his doorstep. He brings grocery and busies himself in the kitchen immediately, he pulls Toma up from where he’s sagging against the couch and forces him to cut vegetables for the yakisoba and Toma does so as Jun hums a cheerful tune. And Toma’s thoughts slip from horribly despondent ones to amused ones repeatedly as he notices his sprightly friend from time to time. A small smile comes to his face when Jun scolds him for making the carrot slices too thick and proceeds to chop them up by himself some more.
And when Toma spaces out in the middle of dinner Jun ruffles his hair, he can still feel the warmth of Jun’s palm against him scalp as he peers up at him and Jun smiles at him, there’s understanding there. Jun’s not here to say that it’s okay, he’s here to say ‘it’s a part of this business’ and Toma is grateful that Jun doesn’t try to cheer him up verbally. Somehow his presence speaks volumes.
It’s not the end and he’s not alone.
By the end of the dinner, he feels like a round of ice-cream sundae with fruits and brownie on the side.
Jun grins, almost victoriously before grabbing the keys to his car.
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Toma loves Shonen Club rehearsals, they’re more like hanging out with everyone, coming up with crazy ideas and dance routines and singing and dancing to children’s songs. The fans are generous (or very stupid) and they fawn over anything and everything they do. In fact, the part of the appeal of Shonen Club is the spontaneous feeling of it, like not really planning a fun evening with friends but coming across a few in a diner and having a blast anyway. Except Shonen Club was heavily scripted.
Though recently its almost like its been grouped out. Not that there is any such tension between the two groups, they’re just categorized and it says a little about the person depending on the category they pick.
It all started with Koichi showing up one fine day in rehearsals looking sleepy and in his jersey suit. His long hair is such a mess that he grabs the nearest scarf (from around someone’s neck) and ties it over his head (the boy is kind of glad at having the scarf returned all sweaty because omg it’s Koichi-san’s sweat at the end of the day. And Koichi just kept coming with his jerseys and never stopped. The style spread like wildfire and soon all boys would show up in jerseys or won’t fit.
But there were others, more stylistically inclined who just weren’t comfortable with the casual and slob-like image the jerseys gave them (Toma liked to think none of them were confident enough in their appearances to pull off a jersey lifestyle)
Until of course Nagase breaks the trend, coming to rehearsals with tight black pants and a black suit, almost jacket over a white undershirt, sleeves folded up to his elbows. He doesn’t challenge Koichi and neither is he unconfident in his own good looks but boys take the opportunity and they change quickly until its already been two months and the Suit Vs Jersey battle has been on ever since. They’ve stopped convincing each other over what’s better by this time and they’ve all fallen into their categories, Toma lounging casually in his loose jersey glad that Sho is wearing jerseys too because that breaks the jersey wearers are lazy stereotype.
The sharp “tap!tap!” of the heel of loafers clicking against the wooden floor reaches his ears and he rolls his eyes as the epitome of ‘why suit wearing makes you serious and intense’ shows up. It’s as though MatsuJun clicks his shows loudly on purpose, as though clicks above a certain amplitude would announce his presence automatically and to some extent it does.
MatsuJun’s clothes are impossibly tight and Toma wonders how he could stand wearing that while dancing because they’d sweat crazily even if it weren’t scorching hot outside.
And MatsuJun shrugs out of his black suit, his arms sinewy slightly muscular arms exposed as his shoulders disappear into his light blue undershirt.
Toma finds himself not really minding the style.
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Jun doesn’t know why Toma picks this day out of all others to wear a tank top. The style had started from when he did Maou and Toma would hardly wear anything but white tank tops and make Jun’s heart beat so fast that he thought he was having a heart attack or seriously, seriously ill.
Thankfully the phase had passed, except Toma suddenly came in for some soumen and took off his jacket only to reveal as though in slow motion, inch by inch of smooth pale skin that Jun had a glimpse of in the An An sex issue a few days ago. Fuck, he could still get a glimpse of it because its on the bottom shelf of his bedside table and it is not there because its within easy reaching distance for occasional peeks at.
He doesn’t really need to peek at it because Toma flexes his shoulders, rolling them a little as he groans from the tension there giving away and Jun has a hard time keeping his mouth close at the ripple of muscles around his shoulder blades that he could see live and playing out unlike the still he’d caught in the shoot. Toma needs to dress more conservatively because he’s wearing low riding jeans too and its all a little too slutty before Jun can slap himself mentally and say ‘this is my best friend, fuck’
Toma places the machine for the noodles in the low coffee table and they settle on opposite sides while Toma surfs through the channels on the television. He pops open a bottle of pop and Jun goes for some beer as they slurp their noodles noisily.
Eating soumen is always a little messy and Jun keeps plenty of tissues at hand but Toma still manages to ignore Jun’s attempts at hygiene and wipes his mouth with the back of his hands. He talks as fast as he can swallow and there is nothing sexy about the way he’s so excited and so animated and talking as though he doesn’t know if he should close his mouth to chew or open it to talk.
Except it’s Toma and that’s how Toma is and that’s as sexy as he gets and Jun finds it so very incredibly sexy, like the sex appeal drips from every single excited flick of his wrists and Jun doesn’t know when he grabs Toma’s hand and Toma kind of just stops…like stills his eating, his talking, his laughing and the cheery excited aura fades as Jun stares transfixed at the way Toma’s face transforms from laughter to quizzical to something serious and unfathomable.
Jun doesn’t know why or how Toma knows why everything just stopped or what it is that Jun wants, he doesn’t notice the intense desire that’s written all over his face in Toma’s eyes because he’s a little busy staring at Toma’s lips and gripping his wrists so hard, it was bound to leave marks.
Toma doesn’t mind because its Jun and Jun’s like that, hot and cold, at times he leaves Toma giddy with happiness and can just as well ruin that in the next second with something completely cold and oblivious.
Toma’s stopped denying the barely there something that always leads to drunken (it was drunken, he’s convinced they were drunk during countdown) kisses and teasing touches ever since…well ever since countdown but he never really acted on it or associated feelings to it, they way Jun makes him feel. Maybe, there were always feelings, here and there, but he’d always been too afraid to label them. Because sometimes they were so intense and sometimes they weren’t even there and shit Jun has a girlfriend.
Toma feels like he should care and he should label, understand first what Jun does to him and what this, these intense gazes and longing touches do to him and the fact that he wants someone who’s supposedly taken and telling him constantly he’s taken but doesn’t ever really act quite like it.
Maybe if he were a girl, he’d think he was easy and back off.
But he’s a guy and he knows he wants this, wants Jun, and wants to thread his fingers through those gripped around his wrist impossibly tight.
“I’ve always wanted to return the favour” Toma whispers impossibly low and he isn’t even sure if Jun heard and even if he did Toma knows Jun doesn’t know what he’s talking about because Jun probably thinks he doesn’t remember and he’s never indicated ever remembering but he hadn’t forgotten. In all these years; Eight? Ten? He hadn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t believe that, that fact alone hadn’t been an indication of some sort in the past.
For now, he just can’t believe his actually shoves his hand down Jun’s pants before Jun manages to grip into the short hairs on his nape and pull him into a deep kiss. He’s just mostly breathing to calm down as he palms Jun over his underwear until he’s hard as Jun swipes his tongue over his lips and teeth. He kisses Jun back, pushing back into Jun’s mouth with his tongue when he finally has his hands wrapped around Jun’s cock.
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Toma has been so super charged the whole day that it’s inspiring and Jun is very glad to have him on his team. Sports days are great bonding time with boys doing things they love doing together, playing, goofing around, snacking and posing at the camera. (maybe the last one is a Johnny’s thing)
Jun has never really liked wearing jerseys, he doesn’t even like the way his hair sticks out in all angles from the sweat and the constant need to wipe himself off with towels and sometimes they share and there are serious hygiene alarm bells that go off in his head at that but it’s either a used towel or have sweat pour out into your eyes.
Toma is up against Nagase for shooting penalties and everyone’s given up because it’s Nagase and he’s powerful and intimidating and older. When Nagase misses one they bite their lips because Toma’s under a lot of pressure here and its not completely unexpected if he ends up missing too. At this point they’d be glad of a tie even.
And when the ball sweeps in from the top right corner and into the goal and Toma’s actually done it and Toma’s barely shown his ‘V’ sign to the camera when he’s surrounded by a group of boys as everyone runs towards him all at once and Jun’s chest swell with pride and victory as everyone else once pats Toma on his back, hi-fiving and just shouting and jumping simultaneously and Jun doesn’t know what to do, he can’t even move close.
He just reaches forward and threads his fingers into the first part of Toma he can reach and it’s sweaty and should be disgusting but isn’t as he ruffles it affectionately.
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Jun doesn’t know what he’s thinking of talking to Ohno about when he calls out to him. It’s just that they’re left alone and Jun’s bursting ever since Toma bolted from his house after giving him a hand job. He’s bursting from all the things he feels, or thinks should or should not feel. He doesn’t talk to Toma, he doesn’t call his girlfriend, and he doesn’t know if she’s his girlfriend anymore, if he should guilty.
He’s guilty for not feeling guilty. Somehow Toma seems different, not cheating and everything goes around in circles because technically isn’t it cheating though it doesn’t feel like it. So Jun has this ‘that’s enough!’ moment before he jumps off his chair and calls Ohno and Ohno looks at him looking mildly interested which means he’s listening and its enough for the moment.
“I don’t you know…like stuff happens you know?”
Ohno nods as though he actually gets what’s Jun’s saying and he’d probably not get what Jun was saying if he was actually making sense.
But the good thing about Ohno is if Jun decided now that he’s going to turn around and never speak of this again Ohno would respect that (or forget it) unlike everyone else he knew.
But Jun doesn’t turn around, he hesitates and half hopes that Ohno would press him a little but Ohno doesn’t.
“Well…I cheated.” He rushes out finally
Ohno raises his eyebrows, “…And?”
“I’m not guilty.” And Ohno doesn’t say anything more because he knows why people come to him, cause he listens.
“Cause it wasn’t a mistake.” Jun admits slowly, as though convincing himself or testing his thoughts out loud to make sure that it was the same as it was in his head.
Ohno actually chuckles, “Knew you were never into her.”
Jun splutters for a bit. “So…”
“Go after your non-mistake.” Ohno looks almost forceful and then he stops for a bit, “Unless you’re not into them either…” And Ohno looks confused like he doesn’t know what that would mean.
Jun shakes his head because he’s not sure. He’s into Toma. He just doesn’t know if he wants to go for him. There’s something that stopped him from going for him all this time and Jun isn’t sure what that was and he thinks he should figure it out.
Ohno almost seems like he’s zoned out of the conversation but just when Jun’s sure Ohno’s fallen asleep he startles him with, “Start with breaking up with her?”
And yes, that would be the right thing to do.
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Toma’s enthusiasm never fails to enrapture Jun. It’s one of those things that makes Toma stand out in a crowd of boys who wear essentially the same costume all the time, the way when he talks its as though he can’t help talking and that thought amuses Jun a little.
By the time a question is directed at him and he realizes he’s in the middle of an interview being filmed Toma has already finished his introduction for Toma’s Scoop and Arashi have apparently done the greeting. It’s a good thing he hadn’t realized anything at all throughout the interview and was hence able to go through with it till the end without feeling like an idiot.
Of course, he still felt like an idiot when he saw it when it aired and realized what had happened was him staring at Toma all throughout the part he’d zoned out on.
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Toma doesn’t know why but he feels so very heavy as he storms out of Jun’s apartment. He had expected that to play differently, like fairytale different but realistically he gets that what happened was what was bound to happen.
How had he expected Jun to love him when he wasn’t even sure that he felt it back? He was relieved; he really was at not having to deal with the whole new spectrum of their relationship if something had actually happened. But he was still…feeling kind of down about it. He admits it because he’s stopped lying to himself about it and now it was kind of like he couldn’t lie to himself anymore and in a way he preferred that ignorance over this weight on his chest, like he’s lost something.
Something he never had?
The utter silence disconcerted him; he was a little dizzy by how Jun hadn’t even tried to give a lame excuse.
It was like Jun refused to even acknowledge him, them and that had hurt.
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Jun thought that he was pretty suave and undercover when he sneaked in unnoticed into the NewS concert, relieved at not being smothered or recognized.
Of course that was before he knew that there was an overexcited boy not so sneakily stomping in right behind him and he’s waving and screaming and has all but jumped onto the seats to get NewS’ attention and Jun wants to pull his fedora over his eyes but he’s kind of into watching the performances so he slouches his shoulders and slides down in his seat.
That worked, until of course NewS saw them and called them up in the MC part.
He wanted to kill Toma for always being so overexcited but he doesn’t want the focus to be taken off NewS while he attempts to swiftly, inconspicuously and also painfully break Toma’s neck so he channels all the energy to bully Ryo instead.
It’s the first time in forever that he’s gone up onstage without a script and strict rehearsals programming into his brain what to do and how to react so it feels liberating to do just what he wants and not be judged or admonished.
Okay so maybe he would be judged but he didn’t particularly care. He was having fun with his friends.
Except for maybe that Tegoshi kid.
He could make room for one more on many of his impromptu late night dinner dates.
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Toma’s realized he’s holed himself up for a few days.
And while its not anything to start a panic amongst his friends because he’s doing his work and replying to texts. He even updated his Jweb.
He just doesn’t pick up calls or accept invitations to go out. He didn’t cry, he wasn’t wallowing in self pity but he had developed a penchant for sad songs and staying alone.
In a way he was almost waiting for someone to notice and come scoop him out of this state he was in.
When the bell rings and he’s not expecting delivery, Toma is sure its Yamashita on the other side demanding why he’s been neglecting his little wifey. Toma’s even ready to pamper Yamashita by the time he’s scrambled up from his hour long lounge on the couch and shuffling towards the door.
Almost as though he’s convincing himself its Yamashita so that he isn’t disappointed when it turns out to be not someone he wants it to be like really deep down, like where he’s slightly masochistic and has a hard time letting go of things.
Only it is Jun and he starts speaking as soon as the door cracks open a little so that Toma can’t even slam the door on his face.
“Look it meant a lot, it meant so much to me that I couldn’t say it. I didn’t, I still don’t have the words. And I didn’t want to find out what it meant to you. I was afraid.” Jun says in a rush of nerves and vulnerability and when Toma just stands and stares, Jun fidgets because he doesn’t realize that Toma’s digesting.
“How many times did you practice that?” It took some time and Toma likes direct three letter confessions but he’s heard those before, they’re easy to say when they don’t mean something but when it does it’s so hard like you’re heart stills in fear every time you even think about saying it. So he understands why Jun would be vague and so he lets it slide.
Jun throws a sheepish smile, “Verbally? This morning. But I’ve been thinking about it for a really long time.” Jun pauses as though Toma isn’t convinced already before added, “Long as in long time”
Toma suppresses the urge to giggle. Well that came as close to a confession as he was comfortable with at this point.
“Okay.” Toma concedes.
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
“What so I don’t get a elaborate confession?”
Toma rolls his eyes before he all but jumps into Jun’s arms in the open hallway, pulling him into a kiss. He breaks apart a moment later, noses brushing.
“No adrenaline, no alcohol, no sexual frustrations.” Toma confirms
When Jun closes the distance between their lips immediately after Toma’s own ragtag version of a confession, Toma whimpers in his simultaneous surprise and expectancy at the kiss.
He breaks apart again just to admit, “Maybe a little bit sexual frustration.”
This time Jun suppresses the urge to giggle.
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It’s the time for the annual welcoming the new juniors icebreaker. They’re the group that have been selected for the past few months from all the places where the Jimusho branches out and they’ve all been rounded up in Tokyo where they are to meet each other.
There are unlimited drinks and everyone’s handed a packet of pocky and some dried snacks as they mill about talking, chatting, laughing and suppressing their nervous uncertainties beneath cheerful smiles and enthusiasm.
At one corner of the room there is a large group, at the center is a small boy with a bowl cut, he’s dancing to the music playing in the background because he’s a big fan of SMAP and performing the dances to their songs makes his mother happy.
It’s not just his dance that attracts the boys who surround him since they can all dance more or less. There was just something easy and likeable about the smile with which he’d thrust his hand out for a shake and introduce himself in a breathless excited voice.
And it was nice to meet him because he was just fundamentally curious and would ask about everyone’s homes and families, recounting funny stories from his school while listening intently in turn as well.
He was so comfortable in his surroundings that many of the juniors mistook him for a veteran as though he was a part of the welcoming committee.
At the other end of the room, melting into the corner almost out of sight was another junior. He wasn’t exactly frightened but he was disinterested. People would accuse him of arrogance and it wouldn’t be the first time. But he didn’t feel the need to exert his energy into getting the effort to know boys with whom he’d never speak to again. The soft drink in his hand was almost room temperature, he’s had it in his hand untouched for so long. For the most part he’s ignored the hushed whispers of those who managed to notice him and recognize him correctly as the elite who hadn’t needed to audition.
Actually the reason he doesn’t mix is because these boys are irritating him a little with their lack of professionalism. He had plenty of friends at school and didn’t need anymore in his workplace.
And suddenly the boy from the center of room has somehow managed to find him out in his corner with a bright smile on his face, a smile that seemed like just an integral part of his features like his hands and legs were.
He thrusts his hand out, “Hi I’m Ikuta Toma! Nice to meet you!”
The boy in the corner has been thrown polite nods and smiles but no ones actually taken the initiative to talk to him and he feels a little grateful despite his apparent nonchalance.
Some would say the boy in the corner was a complete opposite to the boy previously enchanting other boys in the center.
But it wasn’t important at that moment.
At that moment the boy in the corner took the hand offered to him and shook it.
“Matsumoto Jun.”
A/N: Yes, the title is an irony. Pretty chic, eh? This is me being intelligent at 3 am and going ‘OMG I WROTE 16K’
A/N 2:YEAH MAN THE POST WAS TOO FUCKING LARGE TO FIT IN ONE ENTRY