taking a look inside
i know i'm not a honorable "role model" figure to others, i act on impulses extremely too much. i know i'm not a good influence on many people when it comes to my personal life, i do a lot of shit i shouldnt. i know the things i say are sometimes harsh and uncaring, i lash out when i feel out of control in a situation. i know that i dont show my religious beliefs as freely as so many others do, i still believe in god and know that he is there even though i dont act like it. i know that i really dont like family time, even though i know that they're the people that will be with me forever.
a guy told me today that i "act like i'm better than everyone else". i was always the one that said i hated people who thought they were superior. everyone was equal no matter who they were. and here i am being called the one thing i hate. i know i've changed a lot over the last few years but i cant say that i'm unhappy with the way i am now. in fact, i think, when it comes to being nicer to people whom i havent exactly seen eye-to-eye with, i have severely changed for the better. case in point: miss megan garcia. (sorry to mention you in this way but you seem to be the epitome of my reasoning). we didnt exactly get along too well last year (because of a fag). i met her as a person this year and not as a rumor and she really is a cool person. i let my guard down with her and actually found a new friend that kicks ass. garcia, we need to hang out too :) that would have never happened to me a few years ago with my COMPLETELY stubborn mind.
that comment made today, however, was coming from a guy and i KNOW i have a distorted view on guys and my relationships with guys. i treat some of them in a not too appealing way. my fault. i know the ones that put up with my shit are really good friends though, aka marco. and there are some that i wish i didnt push away, or that one of my actions didnt push them away. i cant help it that i'm scared of commitment. i act on impulse and having a long planned out relationship isnt exactly impulsive after the first moment. i like my hazardous decisions. however stupid they may be and drama causing and rumor starting. its now become an inevitability to be the topic of choice at lunch or whenever so i just dont give a shit anymore. like i said many times before, "its my life, i do what i want or who i want". if i can live with myself than others should be able to as well.
i cant remember what else was on my mind... too much to focus on one thing at a time.
and by the way, it does hurt when someone tells you that "jesus doesnt love you because the way you are"
a guy told me today that i "act like i'm better than everyone else". i was always the one that said i hated people who thought they were superior. everyone was equal no matter who they were. and here i am being called the one thing i hate. i know i've changed a lot over the last few years but i cant say that i'm unhappy with the way i am now. in fact, i think, when it comes to being nicer to people whom i havent exactly seen eye-to-eye with, i have severely changed for the better. case in point: miss megan garcia. (sorry to mention you in this way but you seem to be the epitome of my reasoning). we didnt exactly get along too well last year (because of a fag). i met her as a person this year and not as a rumor and she really is a cool person. i let my guard down with her and actually found a new friend that kicks ass. garcia, we need to hang out too :) that would have never happened to me a few years ago with my COMPLETELY stubborn mind.
that comment made today, however, was coming from a guy and i KNOW i have a distorted view on guys and my relationships with guys. i treat some of them in a not too appealing way. my fault. i know the ones that put up with my shit are really good friends though, aka marco. and there are some that i wish i didnt push away, or that one of my actions didnt push them away. i cant help it that i'm scared of commitment. i act on impulse and having a long planned out relationship isnt exactly impulsive after the first moment. i like my hazardous decisions. however stupid they may be and drama causing and rumor starting. its now become an inevitability to be the topic of choice at lunch or whenever so i just dont give a shit anymore. like i said many times before, "its my life, i do what i want or who i want". if i can live with myself than others should be able to as well.
i cant remember what else was on my mind... too much to focus on one thing at a time.
and by the way, it does hurt when someone tells you that "jesus doesnt love you because the way you are"