The Emotional Masochist
I don't like the emotional masochism I put myself through sometimes... I do things that I fully know will cause emotional upset, and I do it frequently. One of my least favorite is that I tend to facebook stalk people I dislike. My ex-girlfriend, my boyfriends ex-girlfriends, people I used to consider friends... Every time I start I imagine that I won't feel the same way I always do, but it still hurts. It's like when you have a really bad bruise and you keep poking it even though you know it will hurt.
Is there some kind of mental thing that causes me to seek out painful emotions? It's something I notice a lot, like listening to music that has a strong emotional response, to facebook stalking... I used to self harm a lot, I wonder if this is a coping mechanism to keep me from falling back into old behaviors or if it's just a matter of time before old habits resurface. It's not that I miss hurting myself, but I do. It's been nearly two years since I've self harmed, and I still think about it a lot. I miss it. Self harming made me feel powerful, like a better version of myself. At least for a while... It got really bad at one point during high school. I stopped cutting my thighs, stopped caring who saw, and started cutting my arms too. I'd cut at school in the bathrooms and then pick open my arms during class. It got bad enough that complete strangers would ask why I did that to my arms. As bad as I know it was, it's still something I think about a lot. There's this stupid subreddit that is nothing but pictures of self harm and it makes me miss it more. I hate that I found it because now I know it's there, it's hard to not look. Honestly at this point the only thing keeping me from it is the fact that my boyfriend would be hurt by it. No one in my family sees enough of me to worry, I work from home, and don't hang out with friends that much. If I only did my legs no one would even see, since I only wear jeans.
Rationally I know I won't cut anymore, but sometimes I just can't keep all of it in my head. It was a habit for a long time, and for a while that was the only coping skill I had. I still haven't found one that helps as much.
Is there some kind of mental thing that causes me to seek out painful emotions? It's something I notice a lot, like listening to music that has a strong emotional response, to facebook stalking... I used to self harm a lot, I wonder if this is a coping mechanism to keep me from falling back into old behaviors or if it's just a matter of time before old habits resurface. It's not that I miss hurting myself, but I do. It's been nearly two years since I've self harmed, and I still think about it a lot. I miss it. Self harming made me feel powerful, like a better version of myself. At least for a while... It got really bad at one point during high school. I stopped cutting my thighs, stopped caring who saw, and started cutting my arms too. I'd cut at school in the bathrooms and then pick open my arms during class. It got bad enough that complete strangers would ask why I did that to my arms. As bad as I know it was, it's still something I think about a lot. There's this stupid subreddit that is nothing but pictures of self harm and it makes me miss it more. I hate that I found it because now I know it's there, it's hard to not look. Honestly at this point the only thing keeping me from it is the fact that my boyfriend would be hurt by it. No one in my family sees enough of me to worry, I work from home, and don't hang out with friends that much. If I only did my legs no one would even see, since I only wear jeans.
Rationally I know I won't cut anymore, but sometimes I just can't keep all of it in my head. It was a habit for a long time, and for a while that was the only coping skill I had. I still haven't found one that helps as much.