A comprehensive list of things that are better than my life right now
- wheelchair basketball
- lighting cigarettes backwards
- actually slipping on a banana peel
- getting caught shoplifting at the dollar store
- puddle of mudd lyrics
- realizing you're adopted and both of your parents are gay
- being reincarnated as a cumsock
- selling your vital organs on the black market
- chimney sweeping
- the ebola virus
- bryan adams records
- ICP lyrics
- breathing in fumes from burning poison ivy
- hallucinating on ambien
- paying for a call from a pay phone with pennies
- dingleberries
- drinking expired milk to stay alive
- telemundo
- sunburned genitalia
- trucker hats
- watching a gilmore girls marathon with a girl you want to fuck only to be told that she's tired and you have to leave so she can go to sleep
- nicking your ballsack with a razor
- the self-doubt and questioning session you have with yourself after getting a half-chub after seeing another man naked
- finding a cougar asleep in your car
- accidentally rubbing your eyes while eating hot wings
- dragonball z button-up shirts
- still saying "i'm rick james bitch" and thinking it's hilarious
- owing taxes
- saying your sister's name during sex
- abscessed tooth
- carpeted bathrooms
- zipper boners
- mold
- girls farting during cunnilingus
- putting headphones on so you can watch porn without turning the volume down but accidentally not plugging the jack in all the way so it plays in both the headphones and the speakers but you don't notice and your parents hear you watching anal crack whores XII
- chuck norris jokes
- the matrix soundtrack
- using butter as deodorant
- high fives with someone who didn't wipe properly
- top ramen
- avenged sevenfold's musical talent
- being in a car fire
- getting accidentally swept up and packed into a funny clown car when a horde of clowns is running through
- running back and forth accross hot coals to benny hill music for 10 hours straight
- fran drescher singing axl rose songs to you through a megaphone
- moving to haiti
- british comedy
- gluing corn back onto a cob
- having sex with a double cheesburger/getting fired from mcdonalds
- slipping on the ice in front of a large group of people
- getting a brand new pair of shoes dirty
- accidentally stepping on a kitten
- being this guy:
- successfully putting a tv remote control all the way into your urethra
- a duffelbag full of semen
- being hilary clinton's tampon
- snorting lines of dandruff
- brewing coffee with your own piss
- giving the Pope a blumpkin
- having your anus torn to shreds by a dildo made out of thumb tacks
- putting dogs to sleep for a living
- playing scrabble with a grade 3 education
- getting locked in an outhouse
- falling off a fence and landing on your face and having your whole front row of teeth turn black
- driving behind a really old person
- pouring a bunch of cereal in a bowl then realizing you have no milk
- primer 55
- kids who are wicked serious about being straight edge
- razor scooters
- getting a hot chick in bed and not being able to cum
- gay porn
- rain on your wedding day
- smegma
- mexican water
- athlete's foot
- having an itchy asshole
- cardboard papercuts in betweenyour fingers and toes
- actually having to call the hospital for priapism
- fucking a skunk in the ass
- being the mole in a human whack a mole game
- popping ingrown hairs in really hard to reach spots on your ass
- getting your high school crush to sleep over and wetting the bed
- shaving your head with a dull razor and then getting swirlies for 3 days straight in a vinegar toilet
- am radio
- fishing with your bare hands in the detroit river in order to survive
- the taste of stamp adhesive (and envelope adhesive)
- corn flakes after they've been sitting in the milk for an hour
- AIDS
- sharting
- finding a nearly empty container of milk in your closet after 3 weeks
- being at a girl's house, taking a shit, and realizing there's no toilet paper
- oral surgery sans the anesthesia
- sex with brian peppers
- wiping your ass with sandpaper
- a borat impersonators convention
- trying to set the world record for the most times a llama spit in your face
- a lesbian womens softball team playing horsehoes using your penis as the pole to get them around
- frohawks
- those zits in the edge of your nostril that don't quite come to a head and just hurt until they go away because you can't pop them
- getting kidnapped while on vacation in brazil
- jewish leading men in hollywood
- the creative minds behind mentos commercials
- being married to larry king
- larry the cable guy
- drinking the ashcan beer
- eating your own penis
- shredding the only copy of an imporant document and having to tape it back together
- not getting kicked full force in the balls, but getting grazed
- eating grape nuts 3 meals a day
- clippy, the microsoft office assistant
- masturbating with your dog staring at you from across the room
- female pattern baldness
- the pants/undies your female dog wears when shes on her period
- newspaper hats
- calling 911 because youre lonely and getting arrested for it
- henry rollins' current career
- leprosy
- watching your mother take a shit
- getting run over by a bus
- mad tv
- smells that just won't come off of your hands
- shitting glass
- catching your little brother masturbating to a picture of your dad
- being sentenced do an eternity of dressing like a juggalo for stealing
- not being able to piss for 5 days and having it come out of your ass when you're asleep
- bowl cuts
- explaining your taste in music to co-workers
- patchouli
- trimming your beard and using the wrong setting so you end up having to shave all/most of it off
- sleeping on a couch too small for your body
- uwe boll movies
- watching a sex and the city marathon
- getting locked in hot topic with 12 juggalos
- horribly unattractive woman asking for your number with your friends cheering her on
- telling a good friend an insensitive joke then finding out they're offended
- being stopped by a really slow police officer when you're late
- adult diapers
- getting fucked in the ass by a 10 dicked walrus without lube
- hemorrhoids
- getting mauled by a mountain lion
- meeting barbara streisand
- fibromyalgia
(needless to say, i'm not happy with the way things are)
- lighting cigarettes backwards
- actually slipping on a banana peel
- getting caught shoplifting at the dollar store
- puddle of mudd lyrics
- realizing you're adopted and both of your parents are gay
- being reincarnated as a cumsock
- selling your vital organs on the black market
- chimney sweeping
- the ebola virus
- bryan adams records
- ICP lyrics
- breathing in fumes from burning poison ivy
- hallucinating on ambien
- paying for a call from a pay phone with pennies
- dingleberries
- drinking expired milk to stay alive
- telemundo
- sunburned genitalia
- trucker hats
- watching a gilmore girls marathon with a girl you want to fuck only to be told that she's tired and you have to leave so she can go to sleep
- nicking your ballsack with a razor
- the self-doubt and questioning session you have with yourself after getting a half-chub after seeing another man naked
- finding a cougar asleep in your car
- accidentally rubbing your eyes while eating hot wings
- dragonball z button-up shirts
- still saying "i'm rick james bitch" and thinking it's hilarious
- owing taxes
- saying your sister's name during sex
- abscessed tooth
- carpeted bathrooms
- zipper boners
- mold
- girls farting during cunnilingus
- putting headphones on so you can watch porn without turning the volume down but accidentally not plugging the jack in all the way so it plays in both the headphones and the speakers but you don't notice and your parents hear you watching anal crack whores XII
- chuck norris jokes
- the matrix soundtrack
- using butter as deodorant
- high fives with someone who didn't wipe properly
- top ramen
- avenged sevenfold's musical talent
- being in a car fire
- getting accidentally swept up and packed into a funny clown car when a horde of clowns is running through
- running back and forth accross hot coals to benny hill music for 10 hours straight
- fran drescher singing axl rose songs to you through a megaphone
- moving to haiti
- british comedy
- gluing corn back onto a cob
- having sex with a double cheesburger/getting fired from mcdonalds
- slipping on the ice in front of a large group of people
- getting a brand new pair of shoes dirty
- accidentally stepping on a kitten
- being this guy:
- successfully putting a tv remote control all the way into your urethra
- a duffelbag full of semen
- being hilary clinton's tampon
- snorting lines of dandruff
- brewing coffee with your own piss
- giving the Pope a blumpkin
- having your anus torn to shreds by a dildo made out of thumb tacks
- putting dogs to sleep for a living
- playing scrabble with a grade 3 education
- getting locked in an outhouse
- falling off a fence and landing on your face and having your whole front row of teeth turn black
- driving behind a really old person
- pouring a bunch of cereal in a bowl then realizing you have no milk
- primer 55
- kids who are wicked serious about being straight edge
- razor scooters
- getting a hot chick in bed and not being able to cum
- gay porn
- rain on your wedding day
- smegma
- mexican water
- athlete's foot
- having an itchy asshole
- cardboard papercuts in betweenyour fingers and toes
- actually having to call the hospital for priapism
- fucking a skunk in the ass
- being the mole in a human whack a mole game
- popping ingrown hairs in really hard to reach spots on your ass
- getting your high school crush to sleep over and wetting the bed
- shaving your head with a dull razor and then getting swirlies for 3 days straight in a vinegar toilet
- am radio
- fishing with your bare hands in the detroit river in order to survive
- the taste of stamp adhesive (and envelope adhesive)
- corn flakes after they've been sitting in the milk for an hour
- AIDS
- sharting
- finding a nearly empty container of milk in your closet after 3 weeks
- being at a girl's house, taking a shit, and realizing there's no toilet paper
- oral surgery sans the anesthesia
- sex with brian peppers
- wiping your ass with sandpaper
- a borat impersonators convention
- trying to set the world record for the most times a llama spit in your face
- a lesbian womens softball team playing horsehoes using your penis as the pole to get them around
- frohawks
- those zits in the edge of your nostril that don't quite come to a head and just hurt until they go away because you can't pop them
- getting kidnapped while on vacation in brazil
- jewish leading men in hollywood
- the creative minds behind mentos commercials
- being married to larry king
- larry the cable guy
- drinking the ashcan beer
- eating your own penis
- shredding the only copy of an imporant document and having to tape it back together
- not getting kicked full force in the balls, but getting grazed
- eating grape nuts 3 meals a day
- clippy, the microsoft office assistant
- masturbating with your dog staring at you from across the room
- female pattern baldness
- the pants/undies your female dog wears when shes on her period
- newspaper hats
- calling 911 because youre lonely and getting arrested for it
- henry rollins' current career
- leprosy
- watching your mother take a shit
- getting run over by a bus
- mad tv
- smells that just won't come off of your hands
- shitting glass
- catching your little brother masturbating to a picture of your dad
- being sentenced do an eternity of dressing like a juggalo for stealing
- not being able to piss for 5 days and having it come out of your ass when you're asleep
- bowl cuts
- explaining your taste in music to co-workers
- patchouli
- trimming your beard and using the wrong setting so you end up having to shave all/most of it off
- sleeping on a couch too small for your body
- uwe boll movies
- watching a sex and the city marathon
- getting locked in hot topic with 12 juggalos
- horribly unattractive woman asking for your number with your friends cheering her on
- telling a good friend an insensitive joke then finding out they're offended
- being stopped by a really slow police officer when you're late
- adult diapers
- getting fucked in the ass by a 10 dicked walrus without lube
- hemorrhoids
- getting mauled by a mountain lion
- meeting barbara streisand
- fibromyalgia
(needless to say, i'm not happy with the way things are)