mind games
I spent a good part of my session today listening to Kim tell me how my choices in movies, TV, and books need to be thought out a little better. That I choose things that I am at least partially aware will trigger me. That those choices are self injurious in nature because it ultimately sends me into thinking about my own shit. Then I came home and watched a movie that absolutely fits that description and I knew that on more than just one level when I made the choice. Rebellion? Stupidity? I don't know. Doesn't matter. Just what I do.
I obviously have a "thing" about avoiding triggers. I don't really believe in it, but mostly because I've never really had something trigger me directly. Meaning, I've never watched a movie and found myself overwhelmed with a flashback or body memory or even an emotion related to my abuse stuff. I know that happens to other people but my stuff is truly buried THAT deep. It takes a hell of a lot to bring it anywhere near the surface and certainly doesn't happen quickly. I know it's probably hard for other people to believe but I can actually forget about being raped entirely. I don't know if it's denial, compartmentalization, or just because it's happened so damn often. I honestly don't have a clue. I just know that it can happen and I can put it away on a shelf somewhere and not think about it again. That's what started me watching and reading triggering things. I know I have too much trauma buried and I don't want it to be so covered up but there's very little that I can do to bring it to the surface. If I force myself to watch a movie about a woman being raped, it starts the ball rolling and eventually I can make myself bring some of my own stuff to the surface. It takes a hell of a lot more work to do that than it does to squash it though.
I saw J again a month ago. And it wasn't until Kim reminded me that I realized that I was raped at the same time last year and the year before. That's what I mean - you wouldn't think that would be something that someone would forget. And honestly, when she brought it up and I realized she was right, I still couldn't remember exactly what happened. I looked back in my LJ history and I wrote about the one 2 years ago that happened. How I could forget that, I have no idea. And as it turns out, though it was VERY different from what just happened, there were certain details that were very... interesting is really the only word I can come up. Mostly interesting in light of the most recent event.
I can't really talk about that yet except to say that it was completely different from everything I'm used to and has really thrown me into a tailspin. I'm so confused and I can't seem to get it straight. Not entirely. I'm back to having to imagine someone else in the situation to see the full picture and even that is not working out so well.