flux
It's been a while.
Maybe I haven't felt the need to purge, maybe I've been going on auto pilot, I dunno. But here I am. It's late, I'm mored, I need how to move forward. Do you need to revisit the past in order to move forward? I feel like I do. I need to go home. I need to revisit the ghosts of my past; the rocks of my present; the angels of my future. They're all in the same place and I need to be there.
How do you move forward? The most brilliant, beautiful, life-altering times happened then with those people and I still have a connection with many of them now but I don't know what it has to do in relation to my present life. It would be easier, I think if we weren't still connected but we are, both the living and the dead, but it's the living I'm struggling with the most now, I think. Maybe. People say they have moved on but when I talk to them they haven't and that makes things confusing.
And I've changed. I realize what I am, who I am, what gifts I have, what I have to offer, and what I need from whoever it may be out there. I understand that most people won't understand it or end up humoring me for it but it's who I am and I need someone who sees it for what it is and doesn't judge me for it and takes what they need in reciprocity for the same asking. Perhaps what I need isn't familiar at all but fresh, but that seems like a pipe dream, doesn't it? It does when you've been living in the past for 10 years.
The hard part is that the part of me that I've come to understand in the past year or so is the same person I've always been but masked behind something I can't explain to those who have known me all this time. They know my nature but not of my being.
You. If you're reading this, I know you understand. But you've decided you can't or won't help me on my journey although you're the one that really awakened it in the first place. Shame on you for abandoning your responsibilities because of your own insecurities and fear of failure. I wish you no ill will despite how you have forsaken me. I am strong enough to make my own way which is more than I can say for others that have crossed your path. For once, be content in your momentary solitude and pretend that you take solace in it. I went through some rough times in the past few months and it has been brought to my attention that I have taken it out on those who are the closest to me and have acted like a douche to some people who mean the world to me and I have had the chance to apologize to most of them but not all. To those I haven't, I hope you read this and are able to forgive, for it is bad enough to lose someone once let alone repeatedly and that is something I do not wish to do. The ball is in your court and I hope you decide to play it.
As for me, as for now, I suppose I'll keep keep on searching. For what, I have an idea but can't say for sure that I'm quite certain. I do know that when I find it, I'm damn sure I'll know.
Maybe I haven't felt the need to purge, maybe I've been going on auto pilot, I dunno. But here I am. It's late, I'm mored, I need how to move forward. Do you need to revisit the past in order to move forward? I feel like I do. I need to go home. I need to revisit the ghosts of my past; the rocks of my present; the angels of my future. They're all in the same place and I need to be there.
How do you move forward? The most brilliant, beautiful, life-altering times happened then with those people and I still have a connection with many of them now but I don't know what it has to do in relation to my present life. It would be easier, I think if we weren't still connected but we are, both the living and the dead, but it's the living I'm struggling with the most now, I think. Maybe. People say they have moved on but when I talk to them they haven't and that makes things confusing.
And I've changed. I realize what I am, who I am, what gifts I have, what I have to offer, and what I need from whoever it may be out there. I understand that most people won't understand it or end up humoring me for it but it's who I am and I need someone who sees it for what it is and doesn't judge me for it and takes what they need in reciprocity for the same asking. Perhaps what I need isn't familiar at all but fresh, but that seems like a pipe dream, doesn't it? It does when you've been living in the past for 10 years.
The hard part is that the part of me that I've come to understand in the past year or so is the same person I've always been but masked behind something I can't explain to those who have known me all this time. They know my nature but not of my being.
You. If you're reading this, I know you understand. But you've decided you can't or won't help me on my journey although you're the one that really awakened it in the first place. Shame on you for abandoning your responsibilities because of your own insecurities and fear of failure. I wish you no ill will despite how you have forsaken me. I am strong enough to make my own way which is more than I can say for others that have crossed your path. For once, be content in your momentary solitude and pretend that you take solace in it. I went through some rough times in the past few months and it has been brought to my attention that I have taken it out on those who are the closest to me and have acted like a douche to some people who mean the world to me and I have had the chance to apologize to most of them but not all. To those I haven't, I hope you read this and are able to forgive, for it is bad enough to lose someone once let alone repeatedly and that is something I do not wish to do. The ball is in your court and I hope you decide to play it.
As for me, as for now, I suppose I'll keep keep on searching. For what, I have an idea but can't say for sure that I'm quite certain. I do know that when I find it, I'm damn sure I'll know.