It's been a looooong while... so let's start with something heavy
Is there such a thing as being too independent? Have I worked hard to make myself shut up to other people? Do I really not let guys in? Have I actually built walls and started keeping people out?
These are questions that I've been wondering lately. I've been preparing myself to graduate and move somewhere, away from here, and so I decided months ago to not get involved with anyone because I didn't want to have any ties to keep me in a certain place since I wasn't sure where I would go, what I would do. Then I developed a crush on a guy from work. Which I told myself was okay because historically, he's not my type at all. If anything the relationship would be a fling of some sort... compared to me, he's got the whole bad boy image going on, and so I convinced myself that if we were to get involved, it would be brief since he's completely not my type. Which would fit in with what I was looking for at the time - nothing stable. Three months later I still have a crush on him and nothing's changed. Where was the brevity? Shouldn't I be over him and moved on? I still want a chance with him. I don't know what type of chance though. Do I want to date? Do I want a fling? I want to try to have something with him, but also I just want to move on, and I don't know why I can't. He hasn't made it clear that he's totally disinterested in me, but he hasn't given any positive signs either, and why I've been keeping hope, I really don't know, I guess I'm just stupid like that.
How does this relate to the questions at the beginning? I'm really not sure. It may not relate at all, but it's something that's bothering me. Oh, wait, I just remembered how it does relate. So with this whole situation, I do talk to my friends and let them know how I feel, but I don't think I tell them everything. I don't know if I let people know fully how I feel about him, or anything else in general. There have been a few nights where it's really gotten to me that I can't be with him, and I haven't let anyone know it. I rely on myself, I don't let myself cry, I just toughen up and tell myself I'll get over it. But I feel like maybe I need to just let it out. Be with a friend, have a should to cry on, or even just cry for a change. Lately I've been emotional, and I'm afraid that something's going to give and it'll be at the wrong time. I'm not just emotional about him - things like graduation coming up, finding a job, deciding where to go, and most importantly leaving my friends here - they're all working inside of me and making me sad and anxious. When Carrie and the other Maca-folk brought out a cake and sang happy birthday to me on my birthday at work, I seriously had to fight to hold back tears, and I don't know why. That's never been an emotional situation for me, but my God, I wanted to cry. The other week I was driving around late Sunday night, thinking about the guy I like, and I actually tried to reach out to someone, but of course when I did talk to someone I played it down, acted fine, like I didn't need anything. I keep shutting others out... or am I keeping myself in? Is there a difference?
Some moments come when I just want to break down infront of a friend, cry, hold on to someone who cares... but there are times when I see how ridiculous that would be and that I really have no reason to be so dramatic. I really just want to know what's going on with me. Is there a way around? Would another guy be a practical distraction from the one I like? Is that even what I need? Sure there are other guys I could be interested in, (decided to omit the names), but even they're bad choices because of their current relationship status or location. There's no one else local that I'm really interested in or feel like giving a chance. So does that mean I'm stuck in this emotional limbo? Will I eventually move on? Do I just need to wait until July when my lease ends and I'm forced to move on? This introspection thing is really hard and I don't think it helps at all anyway. I think last year when I was having problems with Andrew I tried to hurt myself to make myself cry - I knew that if I would just finally cry I would feel better, but I couldn't. (I wasn't suicidal or cutting myself, just like hitting myself and stuff.) I keep analyzing things too much. Like maybe I keep doing gymnastics and hurting myself so that I'll have a reason to cry. Maybe one day I'll fall and break my arm - that'd be an acceptable situation for tears, right? I keep pushing myself, I keep working, I keep myself occupied because I don't know what else to do. Is there anything else?
These are questions that I've been wondering lately. I've been preparing myself to graduate and move somewhere, away from here, and so I decided months ago to not get involved with anyone because I didn't want to have any ties to keep me in a certain place since I wasn't sure where I would go, what I would do. Then I developed a crush on a guy from work. Which I told myself was okay because historically, he's not my type at all. If anything the relationship would be a fling of some sort... compared to me, he's got the whole bad boy image going on, and so I convinced myself that if we were to get involved, it would be brief since he's completely not my type. Which would fit in with what I was looking for at the time - nothing stable. Three months later I still have a crush on him and nothing's changed. Where was the brevity? Shouldn't I be over him and moved on? I still want a chance with him. I don't know what type of chance though. Do I want to date? Do I want a fling? I want to try to have something with him, but also I just want to move on, and I don't know why I can't. He hasn't made it clear that he's totally disinterested in me, but he hasn't given any positive signs either, and why I've been keeping hope, I really don't know, I guess I'm just stupid like that.
How does this relate to the questions at the beginning? I'm really not sure. It may not relate at all, but it's something that's bothering me. Oh, wait, I just remembered how it does relate. So with this whole situation, I do talk to my friends and let them know how I feel, but I don't think I tell them everything. I don't know if I let people know fully how I feel about him, or anything else in general. There have been a few nights where it's really gotten to me that I can't be with him, and I haven't let anyone know it. I rely on myself, I don't let myself cry, I just toughen up and tell myself I'll get over it. But I feel like maybe I need to just let it out. Be with a friend, have a should to cry on, or even just cry for a change. Lately I've been emotional, and I'm afraid that something's going to give and it'll be at the wrong time. I'm not just emotional about him - things like graduation coming up, finding a job, deciding where to go, and most importantly leaving my friends here - they're all working inside of me and making me sad and anxious. When Carrie and the other Maca-folk brought out a cake and sang happy birthday to me on my birthday at work, I seriously had to fight to hold back tears, and I don't know why. That's never been an emotional situation for me, but my God, I wanted to cry. The other week I was driving around late Sunday night, thinking about the guy I like, and I actually tried to reach out to someone, but of course when I did talk to someone I played it down, acted fine, like I didn't need anything. I keep shutting others out... or am I keeping myself in? Is there a difference?
Some moments come when I just want to break down infront of a friend, cry, hold on to someone who cares... but there are times when I see how ridiculous that would be and that I really have no reason to be so dramatic. I really just want to know what's going on with me. Is there a way around? Would another guy be a practical distraction from the one I like? Is that even what I need? Sure there are other guys I could be interested in, (decided to omit the names), but even they're bad choices because of their current relationship status or location. There's no one else local that I'm really interested in or feel like giving a chance. So does that mean I'm stuck in this emotional limbo? Will I eventually move on? Do I just need to wait until July when my lease ends and I'm forced to move on? This introspection thing is really hard and I don't think it helps at all anyway. I think last year when I was having problems with Andrew I tried to hurt myself to make myself cry - I knew that if I would just finally cry I would feel better, but I couldn't. (I wasn't suicidal or cutting myself, just like hitting myself and stuff.) I keep analyzing things too much. Like maybe I keep doing gymnastics and hurting myself so that I'll have a reason to cry. Maybe one day I'll fall and break my arm - that'd be an acceptable situation for tears, right? I keep pushing myself, I keep working, I keep myself occupied because I don't know what else to do. Is there anything else?