It's a fine day for a Monday
I don't post very often here anymore, nor do I check as often, but this morning as I was doing so, I realized just how much I miss it. So, hello!! I did get in about a half hour or so of writing this past week, which just isn't very much. I keep thinking I'll take time and I nearly always decide to knit instead, or call someone, or just sit quietly play Candy Crush. This week is The Week Before I Have To Return to SF For Another Work-Required Visit. Last November was an absolute clusterfuck. This visit won't be, but I still have enough churning negative feelings about it to be savvy enough to have scheduled sessions with my therapist both before and after the trip. The days themselves for this summit will be absolutely packed from morning until night, so no hope of creative pursuits next week. It will be an endurance test, while trying not to see it as an endurance test, while trying to respect all of my emotions about being there, away from my support system, and not getting too snarky with colleagues or openly negative about many of my thoughts about upcoming changes I'm really very unhappy about. So this week is the week before that, and I'll try very hard to stay in the moment and not project forward. Easier said than done.
I did buy some gorgeous ombre patterned taffeta over the weekend and moved my altar so that it's no longer under a shelf. It looks and feels so right now; the space is open and the energies can breathe and disperse. That's how it seems to me, anyway. I've also consulted a pagan prayer book and selected and modified a few general prayers to memorize as ways to center myself. I'm learning that it's really obvious when my behaviors are in accordance with dharma. It feels right and flows organically and there's usually a lot of emotions that manifest themselves and then they pass. This is a far, far cry from hiding out in the relative safety of my head, and drinking down the feelings I didn't know how to deal with. I'm incredibly grateful to be on this side of those incredibly challenging years. Finally knowing that anger has been the source of so much of my self-sabotage has been empowering in a way I've never experienced before. It also helps that I've had plenty of therapy in recent years, and I've done a LOT of self-analysis, so I was in a place to accept this knowledge without judgment.
Huh. This really was just going to be about how I'm not writing yet, and still really intend to, but instead you get rather a thinky post about my journey. :)
I did buy some gorgeous ombre patterned taffeta over the weekend and moved my altar so that it's no longer under a shelf. It looks and feels so right now; the space is open and the energies can breathe and disperse. That's how it seems to me, anyway. I've also consulted a pagan prayer book and selected and modified a few general prayers to memorize as ways to center myself. I'm learning that it's really obvious when my behaviors are in accordance with dharma. It feels right and flows organically and there's usually a lot of emotions that manifest themselves and then they pass. This is a far, far cry from hiding out in the relative safety of my head, and drinking down the feelings I didn't know how to deal with. I'm incredibly grateful to be on this side of those incredibly challenging years. Finally knowing that anger has been the source of so much of my self-sabotage has been empowering in a way I've never experienced before. It also helps that I've had plenty of therapy in recent years, and I've done a LOT of self-analysis, so I was in a place to accept this knowledge without judgment.
Huh. This really was just going to be about how I'm not writing yet, and still really intend to, but instead you get rather a thinky post about my journey. :)